Michelle
I barely know what is going on. My brain feels numb, and although things are happening, I’m too
heavily medicated to understand what is going on around me. I remember being rushed to the hospital
There was an ambulance, and then Maddox arguing with a doctor
Maddox yelled, “No, I’m not her husband, but I’m still the father of the unborn babies. I’m coming with
you.” Yes, it’s coming back in bits and pieces…
Driving
Medication
A doctor asked me questions…
Oh!
My water broke, and there was something about one twin not growing normally inside me. I cried when
the doctor said one of the babies had a higher survival rate than the other.
That’s it.
The rest is blurry. I wasn’t open enough and needed a c-section; now, I’m on painkillers. Right at this
moment, the doctors are performing an emergency c-section, I think? Gosh, I should be sleeping, but
I’m like half-awake. I hear monitors beeping and people talling. A smile fills my vision, the person is
wearing a mask, but I see their eyes crinkling.
Definitely a smile. I decide that I like this person. Her voice is soothing when she speaks to me too.
“Everything is going to be okay.” Somehow, I doubt her words, but I can’t respond. Everything turns into
total darkness seconds later.
It’s like sleeping, but deeper, like I’m falling into a deep, deep hole from which my body tries climbing
up but repeatedly fails. I sound crazy, but I can’t find a better way to describe it.
I’m in some sort of vacuum. Pictures are coming to me…
I dream about Maddox We are happy and smiling, enjoying the sun until Stephanie appears. Maddox
releases my hand, then skitters off into the sunset with Stephanie.
Terrible drearn.
When I wake up, I’m dizzy and staring into a pair of blue eyes — Maddox is here with me. But where
are the babies?
“You made it,” Maddox whispers at me. He is sitting on a chair right in front of my hospital bed. I try to
sit up but can’t move a single muscle in my body. God, I’m weak.
Dehydrated with a terrible migraine.
Is this what dying feels like?
Somehow, I manage words even though my lips are parched, “Babies?”
Did they both make it?
His smile falters, and there is a sigh. “They had to be taken into the NICU immediately, but don’t worry,”
he squeezes my hand. “Everything will be alright. We will get through this.”
Get through what? Did something happen?! Everything turns dark again. I’m in inner turmoil, and many
questions are on my mind. But I’m too exhausted to stay awake.
It feels like I’ve been run over by a truck yet somehow miraculously survived the accident.
I stay asleep for a long while, and the room is bright when I wake up the second time. Maddox is
scrolling on his phone but puts it down as if he can somehow sense me.
“Michelle?” He tries.
“I’m awake…” I blink like into my eyes. My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s dry and hoarse. “I feel
terrible… Like I’ve been without water for days…. Everything hurts.”
Maddox breathes a laugh. “Understandable. Your body has been through hell. It will take time to
recover.”
I force a smile and humor him. “Or I won’t recover, and you will have to plan my funeral.”
Maddox snorts. “Since your dark humor is back, I know you’re going to be just fine. Hang in there.” I
smile at him, for real this time. “I will.” Minutes later, I’m speaking to a midwife. She informs me how to
look after my wound. Cleaning is essential, and not lifting heavy things, she repeats that driving is
forbidden.
It feels like I’m being lectured by a mom, but I like her strictness and the fact that she seems to give a
rat’s shit about her job. She also tells me we can go home in a few days.
When I ask about the boys, I’m told I can’t hug or be with them right now. Something about their lungs
not being ready. The news makes me cry because not being with my baby boys hurts me physically,
but I know the NICU stay is what is best for them.
“We will get through this…” Maddox whispers.
The tears are close. “I haven’t held them, and I’m their mother… I feel like a failure…”
“You‘re not a failure.”
Maddox’s arms are resting on my bed. He is too big to lay next to me but is halfway on the mattress
anyway. My hands are in his sandy-colored hair.
if I let go of the strands between my fingers, I would cry hysterically again. Maddox is my anchor, the
only thing keeping me from hysterically crying inside this room. “I just wanna go home…” I exhale,
curling more sandy strands around my fingertips. Maddox’s hair smells good. “No more hospitals,
doctors, or people talking to me from behind a chart. I just want my baby boys and permission to go
home.” “I know…” Maddox sighs heavily. Silence unfolds, and I quietly sob. It makes Maddox lifts his
attention to my eyes. A smile spreads over his lips. “You’re not going back to studying again, are you?”
I know Maddox is trying to make me think of something else, and it’s actually working.
Suddenly, I have to use my brain and rake it for an answer. But there isn’t an easy one. I haven’t
pondered over the future much. Heck, I don’t even know what I want to become.
“The future frightens me,” I say in an earnest voice. “I’m not sure what I want to do. My goal before the
pregnancy was to get a job anywhere away from this city… I didn’t care what it was.” “And now?” “And
now I have no goal in mind,” I laugh in a pained voice as I gaze down into his beautiful eyes. “Is that a
bad thing? Am I being a burden for saying that? Gosh, I feel so guilty for not bringing anything to the
table. I should be out there, working to help you with our income.” “Babe.” Maddox breathes an amused
laugh. “Money is the least of our problems, and I don’t expect you to pay for anything. My money is
your money, and that won’t change.”
I smile. “You’re sweet…”
His eyes crinkle with his smile. “Also, I didn’t ask about the future because I want you to work
-you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I’m genuinely curious about what you want to do… If there is
any dream or something like that.” “Well I do like writing, but… I don’t think there is much money in
that, but it’s a hobby of mine Hence all the literature classes…”
“I see. Then maybe once the boys are older, you could focus on that?” “Writing, you mean?”
He shrugs a massive shoulder. “If you want to… Not like there is any rush to decide now. You have all
the time in the world.” My chest warms. “Thank you… I will give it some thought after we have gotten
home from here… I hope our boys will make it.”
“They will,” Maddox squeezes my hand. “Trust me. I have a good feeling about this. I’m hopeful.”
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