Chapter 403: First Confession
“Kurono-kun, I love you. I adore you from the bottom of my heart.”
A confession of love. This time, it’s no dream or illusion. It’s the reality happening here and now. It’s the earnest feelings of one person toward another.
“Please be with me, and let me be with you.”
The way her sparkling, sky blue eyes looked at me was indescribably beautiful. Her chestnut hair tied up in a chignon, her snow white skin, her tapered elven ears, everything about her felt breathtaking.
“I don’t want us to be adventurer and receptionist any longer. I want more, I want more of you, Kurono-kun! So please, go out with――”
“I’m sorry.” I was too weak to hear her out until the end.
This is the first time I’ve received such direct words of love from a girl. I’m extremely happy, because why wouldn’t I be?
I wanted to say yes right now. I wanted to love this beautiful girl who had such deep feelings toward me, me of all people. I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to say all the above, but,
“I can’t respond to your feelings… Erina.” I said firmly.
“... Eh? N-no… w-why?” It was incredibly difficult to look at Erina like this, with her eyes wide like it’s the end of the world. But I can’t back down from this now. I can’t run away.
“I can’t make you happy. And I’m sure I’ll make you sad.”
“No… you don’t mean that! You can make me happy, I know you can!”
Once I went and said it, it sounded an awful lot like an excuse. But I guess that’s to be expected. I never told her anything about me, after all. I can’t expect her to understand when she doesn’t even know.
“Soon, I’ll be gone to fight the war against the Crusaders.”
“A lot of people are! The knights, mercenaries, adventurers, so many people are going. I know you’ll come back, I’ll wait for you!”
“Even if I...” I took a breath. “Even if we win this war, my fight won’t be over.”
Lots of people are leaving their lovers to go fight in the war. And that’s fine. They can fight with their all, and if they come back alive, they can settle down and make a family with their significant other.
But, I can’t do that.
“What, are you saying?” Erina hesitantly asked.
“I’m saying that, I have a personal grudge against them.”
Spada is going to war because the other side are planning to invade. Once they finish this defensive war and drive off the enemy, what reason do they have to continue on to invading Daedalus? According to Will, that course of action would actually be detrimental to Spada as it might incite the neighboring city-states to take action against them. Therefore, it’s in Spada’s best interest to avoid invading that country that’s now under Cross rule.
“My fight won’t end even if we win the war. Next, I will fight to free Daedalus.”
I may be a powerful rank 5 adventurer, but I am still just one person. Even if I swear to free Daedalus some day, I don’t think I’ll have much influence over the matter.
Still, I have to continue fighting. I have to eliminate the Crusader scourge from Pandora. Otherwise, we can never achieve true peace.
No, inside, in my heart of hearts, I even think that we need to venture into the Arc continent and destroy the Sinclair Republic once and for all. Eliminate the corruption at the root, in other words.
But I realize that that’s too much. It’s far detached from reality and stepping into delusion territory. I don’t even have a plan or anything, just an idea.
And even barring that, I’m getting ahead of myself here. We don’t know what the outcome of this war will be. I might die on the battlefield long before Sariel even appears.
“Why… am I, not good enough?” Erina said, angrily this time. “You’d choose to keep fighting forever over living happily in Spada, here with me!?”
It sounded like she was accusing me of being a madman, a berserker.
I plan to keep fighting the Crusaders no matter what. The enemy is so large that it can conquer nations and continents. I have no reason to believe I can definitely beat them, nor do I have any guarantee of coming out of it alive. They seem to come everywhere I go. They compel me to fight so that I can protect the things I hold dear.
I’ve been doing everything I can to stand up against the warmongering crusaders. All my efforts until now have been to reach the strength of the Apostles who serve their despicable White God, the strongest of the Gods.
I’ve always thought that this is what I have to do. Fight, gain strength, or else, I can’t protect everyone.
But, yeah, I can kind of see it… this is clearly not the way of a mage like how I always claim to be. This is the path of a warrior who can’t stop fighting, this is the fate of a berserker.
“That’s right. I will choose the path to keep fighting.” I unwaveringly accepted Erina’s accusation. “You know, I’ve always thought that whole Nightmare Berserker thing was dumb and didn’t suit me. But here I am now.”
“No, you’re definitely not some battle maniac, Kurono-kun! Why do you keep saying that!?” Erina yelled. She’s telling me that she knows that I’m still an ordinary guy on the inside. She has a keen eye for judging the nature of others. It’s why she’s such an amazing receptionist.
I don’t feel uneasy about that, that she can see through me. On the contrary, I’m glad that she can understand me so well.
And it’s because she can, that――
“I can’t involve you in my battle, Erina.”
She’s still an ordinary civilian. But if I wanted it, she might be one no more. She might get swept up in the endless swamp of blood and bones that I wade through to reach my goals. I don’t want that.
Lily and Fiona, they’re not her. But if I’m being honest, I don’t want them to… well, nevertheless, I can’t help but rely on them.
“I promise I’ll defend Spada. So you and everyone else can live in peace. I can only hope you find happiness in that peace, Erina.” With a strong man who will stay by your side, I left unsaid.
“H-how can I… I can’t be happy… with anyone, other than you…” Erina finally broke down into tears. Yet, as if to show that she won’t accept my rejection, she came to my chest and embraced me.
“... I’m sorry, Erina.” Apologizing is the only thing I’m good for now. I had nothing to say that could console her, nothing to make her not cry.
Yet, I didn’t push her away either. She was hugging me and I let it happen… I am painfully aware how bad that makes me.
I know what to do, so I should just do it. I can’t keep being with her, like this.
“Let’s stop this.”
“N-no! No!” I moved away from her even as she begged with a trembling voice. Her face was smeared in tears but still looked beautiful. Like it was tempting me to embrace her right here and now.
“Please, Kurono-kun! Just, just for now, please make me your――”
“Don’t, I’m begging you. Don’t make me… regret this, any more than I do.”
Erina is, a friend. A receptionist from the adventurer’s guild who I get along with.
Please Erina, you don’t have to make this anything more than that. If you make me have even more regrets than I already do, if any more guilt piles up, I… I might get scared of dying.
“Goodbye, Erina.” I left the crying girl. Knowing that it might be our last, I bid her farewell. Not once stopping or turning back. Because if I did, I’d surely go back to her――
“This is fine… this is, for the best.” As I muttered that to myself, I finally realized that I also had a tear streaking down my cheek.
“―― Ahh, so this is what you meant… didn’t you, Lily-san?” The corners of my lips had risen into a grin before I realized. I’m sure that the only expression on my face at this moment, is an ugly, warped smile.
“Fufu, fufufu...” I couldn’t help but laugh. “I, of course, never doubted Kurono-san, nope, not even once.”
Kurono-san had, after all, rejected the receptionist―― he had rejected Erina.
She’d spent all day with him, accepting his gifts, laughing with him, seducing him, but then, just like that, everything was gone. She was rejected by Kurono-san.
She wasn’t chosen. She was refused.
“I’d commit suicide if that was me.” my voice sounded so cold it surprised me.
I felt a scornful, black and ugly emotion boiling up inside me. I know, I know it’s not right to be so villainous―― but I can’t stop, it won’t stop. This deep, deep, cathartic sense of delight.
“After all, the one who deserves Kurono-san more than anyone else is――”
Erina likely still doesn’t understand why Kurono-san rejected her. But I don’t blame her for that. She can’t help it. She’s a girl who’s lived all her life in peaceful Spada. She doesn’t know Kurono-san’s hardships. She couldn’t even imagine the sheer pain he’s undergone. Even adventurer’s who’ve only fought weak monsters wouldn't understand.
Only those who have experienced his hardships alongside him can truly understand his pain.
“―― Me, of course. I will be the one he chooses. I will be the one he loves.”
Ahh, I was being such an idiot today. How could I honestly believe that a mere receptionist could rival my love?
After all, I know who it is I must defeat to truly claim him as my own… no, let’s leave that aside for now.
Right now, I should bask in the tremendous joy of being in a position where Kurono-san can choose me. I should inebriate myself in that dark bliss.
“I suppose I should be returning now… fufu, maybe I can find Kurono-san and walk home with him~” Was I perhaps already drunk off the emotion?
I came out of my hiding spot behind one of the trees and began walking toward the avenue where Erina stood crying. I was coming from behind her and close enough to see that her shoulders were trembling in anguish. I could also make out Kurono-san in the distance, no bigger than a speck.
I was being enticed to catch up to him like a moth to a flame. My head felt fluffy, and my feet felt light as air on the snow covered stone path.
Which reminds me, I’m still in disguise. If I call out to him like this, he might not realize it’s me. I took off my glasses and headband, and stored them inside my subspace purse. The false coloring of my eyes and hair gone, I was just about to pass by the lamenting loser of love when,
“―― Wh-!? Wait, you there!” She called in a piercing, provocative shriek. “I said, wait! You’re Fiona, right? Fiona the Witch!”
“... Yes,” I stopped and turned around, “yes I am. Do you need something?”
Her sky blue eyes were clouded in rage. So she knows my face and name. She is our usual receptionist after all. In other words, she knows that I’m a part of Element Masters.
“Why… are you here…” She said, initially confused, but then came to a realization, “you, heard everything…”
Is this woman daft? What does it matter that I happen to be here or happen to have heard them or not. Her earlier failure was completely independent of me.
After all, I trusted that Kurono-san would make the right choice, and with the tolerance of the Cross Bible’s Virgin Aria herself, I watched on without interfering in the slightest. She can neither thank me not blame me, for I was not involved.
“Answer me… you, you deceived me, didn’t you?”
“Deceived you? How so?”
“You knew how I felt! And you watched on as I was rejected, and you’re here to laugh at me, aren’t you!? You and Kurono-kun both!”
I instantly pulled out Spitfire―― or at least planned to, but I thought better of it. Her words just now were clearly meant to rattle me, but if I think about why she’s saying such things, I don’t feel so angry.
“So you’re implying that Kurono-san, knowing how you felt, strung you along anyway before crushing your heart? And you’re also thinking that I was a part of his plan, and have been laughing at your utter foolishness all along?”
Do you think this is some teenage romance at your academy?
“I-isn’t that exactly what happened… why else would you be here. This can’t be a coincidence!”
“Well, you’re right. Today, for the entire day, I’ve been following your little date with Kurono-san. It’s no coincidence that I’m here right now.”
“I knew it! You, you two trampled on my feelings… my earnest, heartfelt… he was supposed to be the one…” Erina, the ugly thing, ground her teeth in frustration as she wept. If only her admirers, the students and adventurers who still sought her favor, could see her right now. Could they still love her after seeing this?
And I bet she doesn’t even realize that it’s not just her face that’s so ugly right now, it’s her heart.
“So, you’re saying Kurono-kun did that?”
This wench had just said ”You and Kurono-kun both,” implying that she actually thought Kurono-san was the type of person who’d do something so base.
“W-what’s… that supposed to mean. Of course he did!”
“I see. Some love you have. You make me sick.” I spat.
Erina had the gall to doubt Kurono-san. She doesn’t trust him. She doesn’t believe in him.
“Just admit it, you don’t actually love Kurono-san, you just wanted to be loved.”
“Shut up! What do you know about my feelings!?”
“You want Kurono-san to protect you, to be with you, to give you all of his love. But what about you? What can you give him?”
“I-isn’t that… obvious? I’d do the same for him, I’d give him all my love, my everything!”
Your everything, eh? Did this fool honestly believe that merely offering her everything would earn her the right to be loved by Kurono-san?
“You know what, how about I tell how exactly why Kurono-kun rejected you?”
“What, are you going to say it’s because I’m not charming enough? Don’t mock me! I know fully well――”
“It’s because you’re useless.” I cut off her hysterics.
“... Use, less… what are you…?”
“Do you not remember what Kurono-san said?” I challenged, “He said, he’s going to keep fighting the Crusaders――”
The reason why Kurono-san indulged her today is clearly because, whilst knowing her feelings, Kurono-san wanted to let her down gently, and out of good faith. He could’ve forgone the date and made up any number of excuses. For example, he could say he was already in a relationship with me, or that we’re already married or… so many excuses, really. Kurono-san please.
Anyway, in the end, Kurono-san told her his motives. That he aims to beat the Crusaders, defeat the Apostles who boast nigh infinite power from their White God. And for that, he needs power.
What he obviously doesn’t need is a woman’s passion. It’s no use to him where he’s going.
“Will you be any use to him in his battles? Will he be able to kill more of his enemies with your help? Can you even so much as offer Kurono-san your mana, the power, he needs to stand up again?”
“Uh, that’s…” she hesitated to answer, “of course I can’t… I’m a…”
Just a receptionist? Yes, I know.
“It wouldn’t be enough even if you were an adventurer. Your ordinary adventurer isn’t nearly strong enough to fight beside Kurono-san.”
You’d have to be at least on the level of us Element Masters to earn a spot in our party. You of all people should know how dangerous it is to be in a party above your rank.
“And if you can’t aid him with your strength, do you have any other merit that might ease his burden?”
Gold being the best example. If she was of high nobility or a prominent merchant, she could have aided in Kurono-san’s efforts by providing war funds.
The next best thing would be technique and/or technology. Simon-san, for example, has the brains to develop new and powerful weapons for him, while Regin-san is a blacksmith that can work with cursed weapons.
Erina, the receptionist, can do exactly none of those.
“That’s what I mean by useless. You’re useless. You can only wait and pray that Kurono-san comes back alive. You’re powerless, a civilian. He doesn’t need someone like use, since you’d only become a burden to him.”
He would fight in harsh, life or death battles, only to barely return alive to a wife who was frustrated that he’d been gone so long. Is there no end to this woman’s entitlement?
“Th-that’s… not, I have…”
It appears that now, after having me carefully explain everything to her, Erina has finally come to understand. Her previous anger gone, the only emotions that showed on her face were dumbfoundment and uncertainty.
“And you even had the audacity to try and convince him to stop fighting. Settle down and make a family with you? Don’t make me laugh. Do you have any idea why Kurono-san feels the way he does? Why he’s become unable to stop fighting?” I felt like I was getting too agitated. “… It’s insulting that you think you can change his way so easily.”
Anyone who gets in Kurono-san’s way deserves the worst kind of death. I will not hesitate to perform the deed myself no matter if it’s a receptionist of the guild or some uppity princess.
“Kurono-san has no need for an ordinary woman like you. Someone who can support him fully in battle, someone he can rely on, someone he can bare his heart to, only that someone has the right to stand beside Kurono-san.” You are clearly not that someone, but I am. That part is understood. I can see in her eyes that she fully and completely understands my point. Those pathetic, sky blue eyes of a sore loser. And as such, I will tell it like it is,
“And I fill that role for him just fine, so please be at ease and find a man more suited to you. If you want to help him, then stay out of his way and don’t cause him to needlessly worry.”
Now that that’s done, I believe I need to catch up to a certain someone. I’ve spent so much time talking that I couldn’t see Kurono-san anywhere anymore. I should quickly find him so we can walk home together.
“No, but… but I… love him… I love, Kurono, -kun…”
I ignored the woman who’d gone back to crying again. I no longer feel threatened by this selfish woman who only wanted to be loved.
She’s pretty, I admit, and her large chest (for an elf) attracts hordes of men I bet. She should just settle for one of those. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Simply that certain forms of love require intense, almost superhuman levels of resolve and dedication. Something that no ordinary person can match. And she’s an ordinary woman.
“Now then, if you’ll excuse me, I must go. I sincerely hope that you don’t let this one rejection bother you, and that you find new happiness.” I said as a courtesy, giving her one last look of disgust before completely forgetting about her to chase after Kurono-san.
I know. I can mention how cold it is today, and get him to hold my hand too… ufufu.