Chapter 204 : Candidness
Trigger Warning: graphic description of torture.
After some time, the Emperor responded in a tired voice, “Anyway, Ah Shao, you should think about what zhen has said today.”
Jiang Ruan quickly avoided Steward Lin and stepped into a side room as soon as the Emperor began to leave. After watching the Emperor depart, Steward Lin looked at Jiang Ruan, hesitated for a moment, then said, “If Young Furen wants to know anything, you might as well ask Young Master. Young Master will not hide anything from you now.”
Jiang Ruan nodded, thought for a moment, then quickly moved forward to enter the study. Xiao Shao was sitting at a table, not knowing what to think, but he was not surprised when he saw her. He asked, “Did you hear everything?”
Jiang Ruan nodded. Xiao Shao was a person skilled in martial arts, and his abilities were not weak after all. Therefore, even though the Emperor couldn’t hear the sound of their breathing while she and Steward Lin were outside of the room, it was unlikely Xiao Shao would not have done so. Perhaps it was intentional that he let her listen. She sat down beside Xiao Shao. The qilin embroidered on his black collar seemed to emit a cold golden luster, which made his expression grave and austere.
“Ah Ruan, I have something to tell you,” Xiao Shao said.
“It just so happens that,” Jiang Ruan smiled slightly. “I also have something to tell you.”
Xiao Shao was taken aback, and looked at Jiang Ruan with some doubts. Jiang Ruan looked at the thick books on the table. The books were neat and tidy, as if to show how often the master read them. Xiao Shao was someone who was careful and cautious, so even if he didn’t say many things out loud, it didn’t mean that he was unaware of them. Even though they were husband and wife, they each had their own secrets, and Jiang Ruan had always wanted to confess, however now that Xiao Shao had spoken up first, she felt that it was better for her to take the lead.
“Do you remember when I came back from Mt. Jianan, what I said,” Jiang Ruan said with a smile, “I said I have something to tell you.”
Xiao Shao replied, “Remember.”
“What I want to tell you now is about this matter.” Jiang Ruan sighed, with a trace of melancholy in her eyes. “Actually, I don’t know what you will think of me after listening– maybe you will keep me at a respectful distance, or maybe nothing will change. But no matter what, I will continue. I think we should be upfront.” Her tone was frank, and even if there was a trace of uncertain hesitation, she continued after a short pause.
“In the past, you probably ordered the Jinyi Guards to investigate me about the General fu’s disaster relief provisions, my dage being ambushed in the forest, and Great Master Hui Jue. Because of these things, you must have many questions, and even feel that sometimes I am clairvoyant. It must not have been clear to you as to why I targeted the whole Xia family just because Xia Yan’s actions harmed my mother. Or why I have been going against Xuan Li, blocking his plans. And also in regards to my past dealings with Li Dong’s entire family.”
Xiao Shao stared at her deeply. It was true that all the things she said were what he had doubts about at the beginning. No matter how powerful the Jinyi Guard was, he still couldn’t find any clues, and the only possible explanation seemed too absurd.
“You must also be surprised as to why Thirteenth Prince and I seem to have such a close relationship, why Imperial Grand Tutor Liu seems to want to help me, and why I always know how many things are going on in the court. Xiao Shao, this is not a coincidence.” Jiang Ruan looked at him and suddenly smiled. “Because I already knew what would happen. I have experienced these things myself. I died once, Xiao Shao.”
“Ah Ruan,” Xiao Shao said suddenly, frowning. “You don’t have to tell me.”
Even if these were just a few random statements, they were sufficient enough to stun and confound a person’s heart. Furthermore, the underlying implication of each one of them was such that normal people would not find them easily acceptable. But Jiang Ruan herself didn’t realize that even though she tried her best to mask her expression, when she spoke those words, her eyes seemed to reveal a peculiar sense of frantic distress.
“You don’t believe me?” Jiang Ruan asked back.
“No, I believe you,” Xiao Shao replied. “I just think that if what you want to say makes you feel pain, you don’t have to say it. I don’t have to know. I don’t care what happened in the past, as long as the one who is by my side now is you. You will always be my wangfei.”
His tone was straightforward, and his expression was cold and unwavering, but a trace of indulgence flashed quickly in his eyes. The comfort contained in his words was heart-warming. Jiang Ruan looked at him and suddenly smiled. “But I would like to tell you about some things that have been in my heart for a long time. If I can share them with you, I will be much more relaxed. At least it will make me feel as though I’m not alone in this life.”
Xiao Shao was slightly taken aback, and did not speak for a moment. Jiang Ruan paused, and slowly continued, “The me you see now should not be like this. My mother passed away when I was five years old, and Xia Yan became the di wife. On the surface, she treated me very kindly, and Jiang Su Su was also very amiable. However, the servants in the Jiang fu always bullied me. I didn’t understand why at the time, I just felt that there were many wicked and vicious servants in the fu. Consequently, it was much later that I realized that if there wasn’t a directive from the masters, those servants would not have had the audacity to bully and abuse the fu’s di daughter. Regardless, I was still sent to live at the rural residence, and Dage was secretly misled by Xia Yan to think that as long as he left on his own accord, they would not mistreat me. Hence, he left home when he was young, and we separated as brothers and sisters.”
“Later, I lived in the rural residence and life there was very bad. Everyone forgot that I was actually the eldest di daughter of the Jiang fu. For most of the time I lived worse than a servant. Zhang Lan and her daughter searched for and took away all my belongings and ordered me about like a slave. In addition, her lecherous son was constantly trying to get his hands on me.” Jiang Ruan noticed Xiao Shao’s frown getting tighter and tighter, and said with a smile, “I believe that these matters have been reported to you by the Jinyi Guards. Thus, you already know about these things.”
“In my past life, I didn’t meet Imperial Censor Wang that year, and so I was unable to redress the injustice I suffered. I stayed in the rural residence for eight years, and halfway through I learned that Dage died in battle. I thought life was really hopeless. Even though I wrote many letters to my family, the Jiang fu in the capital seemed to have completely forgotten about me because I never received a reply. Therefore, I thought that I would live such a hard life until I died. Unexpectedly, in the eighth year, someone came from the capital. I was very happy to be able to return to the Jiang fu, thinking that my father finally remembered me.”
Her words seemed nonsensical. If it were an ordinary person, they would not be able to understand what she was talking about, but Xiao Shao just stared at her quietly, with complex emotions in his eyes. Clenching his hands into fists, he tried his best to suppress the shock in his heart, and looked at her as calmly as possible.
“I was taken back to the Jiang fu, and at the main entrance of the Jiang fu, under the scrutiny of a host of onlookers, I was on display like an unkempt beggar, dressed in tattered rags without any decorum or civility. And like a beggar, I accepted Xia Yan and Jiang Su Su’s affectionate greetings and welcome. The more pure and kind Jiang Su Su appeared like a fairy, the more filthy I looked, and at that time I felt deeply ashamed.” She said these words in a flat tone, but her nails sank deeper and deeper into her palm. “Not long after, it was time for the Annual Lantern Festival, on the Ling Long Boat. That time, you didn’t come, and the noble young men and women in the capital were all there. Jiang Su Su asked me to dance so that I wouldn’t let the Jiang fu lose face. She told me that I just needed to do a performance that was common in the countryside to add to the fun. That day I fell from the boat and was completely drenched from head to toe, and thus became the laughing stock of the whole capital.”
Unconsciously, she clenched her fists harder and harder, and didn’t even realize that her veins were bulging. There were many injuries in the world that would not fade with the passage of time, and it would not hurt if one didn’t think about it. But once recalled, every memory would still be extremely painful. Right now, a slender and slightly cool hand stretched out, and gently pulled away her fingers that were tightly gripped into her palm. Fearing that she would hurt herself again, Xiao Shao wrapped her little hand in his slender palm.
Jiang Ruan looked at his movements in a daze until she felt the warmth of his palm and came to her senses. She took a deep breath, and her expression gradually calmed down. “Later, Jiang Su Su and I attended various gatherings together in the name of Jiang fu’s di daughters. Xia Yan invited a teacher for me, but he never taught me how to read and write or manage the household, merely having me practice singing, dancing and playing the qin. I wasn’t proficient in any of them and when I used to go out with Jiang Su Su, outsiders would praise her for both her beauty and proficiency in the arts, while I was the insignificant and uncouth beauty.”
“Later on, the reputation of being a good-for-nothing beauty disappeared but other rumors began to spread throughout the capital at some point. From my time in the rural residence, the matter of Chen Zhao harassing me was brought to light. It was said that I didn’t know how to love myself when I was young, and that I only knew how to seduce men; it showed a lack of virtue. At that time, I was almost at my marriageable age but my reputation was now in tatters.”
Xiao Shao slowly grasped her shoulders, before turning her around and drawing her into his embrace. It was only when she was in his embrace that he realized that Jiang Ruan’s body was extremely tense and as stiff as a board. It was as if all her anxieties and anxiousness had tightly wound up her whole body . Xiao Shao patted her on the back, as if tenderly comforting a startled child which made her relax a bit. Jiang Ruan continued, “When my reputation had fallen to this point, there was only one person who always treated me kindly, and that was Xuan Li.”
Xiao Shao was stunned. Then Jiang Ruan’s tone held a trace of sadness, “That day on Ling Long Boat, after I made a fool of myself, he was the only one who comforted me disregarding everyone’s stare, so I thought that he was a kind and gentle person. Later, he often came to the Jiang fu to talk to Jiang Quan, and would bring me some small gifts. He never called me a good-for-nothing beauty like others, and he never looked at me with strange eyes. Whenever Jiang Su Su and I appeared at the same time, unlike others, he would not only have Jiang Su Su in his eyes and ignore me. At that time, I was really happy.”
“In the year I reached the marriageable age, His Majesty was going to call a new batch of beautiful young women into the palace, and any shu daughters from official families were also allowed to enter the palace. But at that time, the Jiang and Xia families were rising steadily in power, which made the Emperor wary and cautious. Even though it was called the imperial selection of talented young ladies, some might as well say that they were hostages thrown in the palace to warn the Jiang fu. Jiang Li and Jiang Dan were merely shu daughters, and sending them to the palace wouldn’t placate the Emperor. However, Jiang Quan stonewalled and had Jiang Su Su’s portrait withheld and had mine submitted instead.”
Xiao Shao stroked her hair. Even now, as she talked about this matter, there was a hint of deep self-mockery in her tone. Perhaps one thing that Jiang Ruan had never figured out in her past or present lives was why Jiang Quan treated her like this. As a biological father and daughter, no matter how indifferent they were, it seemed that the treatment of even an outsider was far better than her. Even a vicious tiger wouldn’t eat its cubs. Maybe, there was an old feud in a previous life, and in this life they had to pay it off as father and daughter.
“I did not want to enter the palace, I did not want to live with a man I had never met, and I did not want to fight and scheme against other women in the inner palace. But Jiang Quan said that if I didn’t go, the whole Jiang fu would be punished for my waywardness and everyone would be buried together. Xuan Li also persuaded me at that time by saying that he could protect me in the palace, and one day, he would make me his official wife.”
Xiao Shao remained calm and collected, probably because he felt that what Xuan Li said was too arrogant. Now Xuan Li’s wife was not Jiang Ruan. After all, the competition between men had never been based on lofty words, but on real skills.
“I didn’t understand the machinations of the human heart, so I wholeheartedly believed him and voluntarily replaced Jiang Su Su to enter the palace as an imperial consort.” Jiang Ruan paused, and as she remembered the clothes made by those people in the Jiang fu before entering the palace, the affection and gratitude on their faces, every single sentence spoken with love– it felt disgusting. If she knew that she was going to die for such a group of wolves who ate people and didn’t spit out their bones, even if she died, she would drag the entire Jiang fu down to be accused of deceiving the Emperor to make amends.
“The time spent in the imperial palace were the darkest days in my life. I was ridiculed by the other imperial consorts and even bullied by their maidservants. Everyone knew that I was not favored, and sometimes I was even made to perform for the Emperor’s favoured imperial consort much like an entertainer. Even though I was of a rank concubine, I was insignificant and nonexistent in the eyes of others. I had no family to rely on because the Jiang Fu had wanted to prove their loyalty by their hands- off, non interference with matters of the inner palace, and so did not offer me any support or backing. They even wished for me to die, in the hopes of gaining some benefits from the Emperor’s guilt because of my death.” She didn’t know what to think, and she smiled slightly. “Eventually, the Emperor gave Pei’er to me to be raised under my name. Pei’er was also an unfavorable prince in the palace. We were both neglected people and I was very grateful for meeting him. Maybe God gifted him to me in the previous life, knowing that I would not be able to survive alone, so he gave me such a child.”
Xiao Shao’s gaze moved slightly, and he suddenly understood why Xuan Pei’s attitude towards Jiang Ruan was so clingy. Just as Guan Liang Han had inadvertently remarked, Pei’er was like a chick attached to his mother towards Jiang Ruan. It was exactly the same, so was it possible that Pei’er also had memories of their previous life? So far, what Xiao Shao had learned about Jiang Ruan’s past was very tragic, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around what Jiang Ruan had encountered. It was even more impossible to imagine that this powerful woman who didn’t care about anything had also experienced a time of helplessness and despair.
“Xuan Li had his great cause to complete and so he hoped that I would be an obedient pawn in the palace. Some things that were inconvenient for him could be done by my hands and later it came to be. One day they killed the Emperor, but placed all the blame on me. They said that I poisoned His Majesty, and that I was a demoness who brought disaster to the country.” Her palms were gradually sweating, but her body was a little cold. “They pushed me down nine concrete flights of stairs, and my father personally ordered someone to arrest me. He didn’t protect me as he promised. All he wanted was a paving stone. Once the road was paved, the stone was useless.”
“Ah Ruan…” Xiao Shao couldn’t help but hug her tightly, shocked and distressed by her words. At this moment, he felt so helpless that all he could do was provide this meager comfort. However, he knew that the comfort at this moment was of no use to Jiang Ruan of the past life.
“Xiao Shao, do you think that was the end?” Jiang Ruan shook her head and smiled. “My hell had just begun. I was thrown into the imperial prison, the cell for those who were on death row. Then, someone came and rescued me. I thought I had escaped my ill-fate, but instead that was just the beginning of my torture. Jiang Su Su told me that more than 100 people from the General fu were going to be killed as traitors after Xuan Li ascended the throne. She told me that Dage had been murdered by others. Even my mother had also been plotted against and killed. And the culprits were none other than my closest family members. She said that she was displeased with me for holding the title of the di daughter, so on that day, she blinded my eyes and cut off my nose, pulled out my tongue, cut off all my limbs, and made me into a human swine. Xiao Shao, you have been the master of the Jinyi Guard for so many years, and you must be aware of what a human swine is. I was turned into such a complete monster, that even a mere glance would cause others to feel nausea and disgust.”
“Ah Ruan!” Xiao Shao couldn’t help shouting. He took a deep breath. He always knew that a strong heart must come from very deep torture. Jiang Ruan’s strength was different from ordinary people, and she must have suffered many things that ordinary people would never experience. But all the speculations couldn’t compare to the pain that Jiang Ruan revealed at this time. At this moment, he empathized with Jiang Ruan and deeply understood her pain and despair. He understood why Jiang Ruan had always hated the Xia family and Jiang Quan so much. And, if it were him, the hatred would not be any less than Jiang Ruan’s. Xiao Shao, who had always been indifferent and unmoved by any external factors, actually felt a little panic. What would happen if he were to lose Jiang Ruan?
Jiang Ruan didn’t move, but let him hold her tightly. She said slowly. “…Later, Jiang Su Su asked someone to hand me over to Li Dong. In the Grand Councillor fu, in front of my eyes, they made me witness Pei’er being exploited by Li Dong…” She could hardly speak, her voice choked with sobs. “I could withstand anything and even if it was aimed at me, I could take it, but they didn’t even let an innocent child go. I can never forgive them! I will always remember the pain they brought me. In this life, my only purpose has been to get revenge!” She looked at Xiao Shao and continued slowly, “In the eighteenth year of Xuande, Jiang Su Su became the Empress. Jiang Quan was promoted to the highest rank of court officials, the Xia family members[1] rode on the tide of success and found prominence, and I died.”
[1] 鸡犬升天 (jīquǎnshēngtiān) – lit. poultry and dogs rise to Heaven (idiom); fig. to ride on somebody else’s success / Once one man gets a government position, all his cronies get in too / Once somebody has cracked the problem, every Tom, Dick and Harry can do it.
“I died in the Grand Councillor fu from the beatings by a servant. When I next opened my eyes, I found that I had returned to when I was in the rural residence. I am very fortunate that this is another chance given to me by God. I have worked hard to climb up, meet Imperial Censor Wang, save my Dage, and lead the General fu away from disaster. Everything that I have done is to prevent what happened in my previous life from happening again, and everything I do is to collect a blood debt.” She looked at Xiao Shao, tears gradually welling up in her eyes. “I am a dead person, Xiao Shao, do you understand?”
These words were so heart-wrenching[2], but Xiao Shao looked at her, and suddenly pulled her into his arms again. He hugged her tightly, and she was weak in his arms like a newborn small animal, so fragile that even a light touch could easily break it apart. With a look of forbearance on his face, he gritted his teeth, but the rims of his eyes were a little red. However, his tone was flat, and he still said with his usual unquestionable expression, “I understand, but I don’t care.”
[2] 心惊肉跳 (xīnjīngròutiào) – lit. heart alarmed, body leaping (idiom); fear and trepidation in the face of disaster.
“You are my wife, and you are a member of the Xiao family. I will not hate you because of this, nor will I think of you differently. I just regret that I didn’t meet you earlier in my previous life.” After taking a deep breath, he continued, “I regret that I missed the opportunity to meet you in my previous life and made you suffer so much.”
Jiang Ruan was stunned, and slowly reached out to hug his waist, half smiling and half sighing. “Fool, what does this have to do with you?”
The always cold-blooded and invincible master of the Jinyi Guard was not at all unhappy to be called a fool, Xiao Shao just wanted to protect the person in front of him forever. As long as he thought of losing this person in a life he didn’t know, his heart ached and he couldn’t breathe. And for every one of her words that understated the pain that she had suffered in the past was like a death by a thousand cuts to him in this world. He had not known that his wife had so many secrets and that in this life, these secrets were the burdens she carried with resoluteness. She had survived solely on deep seated hatred and those years that she had lived without anyone knowing of those secrets must have been such absolute desolation. He could not bring himself to think about it.
Jiang Ruan slowly let go of his hand. She looked up at him, and the young man leaned over slightly, his dark eyes full of the tranquil and calm gentleness from before, and just one glance would make people feel at ease. There was no evasion or disgust in his eyes, he was so sincere. Jiang Ruan suddenly stretched out her hand to cover his eyes, and his long eyelashes flitted across her palm tickling her lightly. Then, she slowly closed her eyes and kissed him.
“Fortunately, you haven’t missed me in this life, and neither have I.”
* * *
Steward Lin was fidgeting outside for a long time, and finally decided to see what the situation was inside. He stood cautiously at the door of the study, opened a small hole in the flower window[3] with a needle, and looked in. He was stunned for a moment. Jumping far away in one breath, he retreated straight into the yard.
Chinese Old Style Design Window Flower Stock Photo 556864615 | Shutterstock
[3] T/N – Traditional Chinese windows were covered in waxed paper or silk in winter (to keep out rain and cold) and left uncovered in summer (to let in cooling breezes). The window frames were decorated with intricate, wooden lattice-work designs.
Jin Si looked at him curiously. “Lao Lin, did Master and Young Furen quarrel? What are you hiding from?”
Steward Lin didn’t hear what she said because he was thinking, why did he kiss her at this time? What Young Master had to say should have been very serious, and he shouldn’t go as far as this. But why did Young Furen blindfold Young Master? Could it be that… Steward Lin’s eyes lit up, maybe Young Furen had discovered the booklet that he ordered someone to hide under the mattress in Xiao Shao’s room. Young Furen was indeed a hero among women, she was not only good at learning but also adept at applying that knowledge creatively and flexibly. Blindfolding the other person was indeed a novel experience, but maybe she was being too bold by doing it in the study. But this was also good– if they put into practice what they learned from the book, they would have a future young master earlier .
Steward Lin’s complexion changed, and he said to Jin Si seriously, “Young Furen and Young Master are talking about very important things in the study, please don’t disturb them. If His Majesty… those guards come to make trouble again, I will beat them all out with sticks. Not everyone can act wildly in the Jinying Wangfu.” After saying that, he walked towards the kitchen. “I have to order the cook to make some food that nourishes the body, Young Furen is probably working hard now.”
Jin Si shrugged her shoulders, and Jin San came out from behind, before touching her head and saying, “Why do I feel that Lao Lin is the one who has strayed?”