Chapter 142Book Two-Ch#. 34
!!!AUTHOR NOTE: Apologies again for the recent issues with Chapter #33, the one where Ch# 32 and
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Really sorry again that it happened. I was rushing to publish it that day and then I didn’t have the power
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commented to bring it to my attention. I’ll do my best to ensure this doesn’t happen again. 1
“…What? …What did you just say?”
I instantly looked up at him, unsure if I’d even heard him right.
Because he didn’t just say what I thought he did… right?
“I’m in love with you, Rae,” he repeated.
…No, he’d definitely just said it.
My heart thumped loudly in my chest.
“I want to spend every morning waking up next to you… every night kissing you until we fall asleep,” he
continued. “I love your eyes, your smile, your laugh… I love the way you make me feel as if I matter.Not just because of my position or the mate bond, but because of me. Of who I am.”
I felt frozen in place, unsure how to react.
Because I had strong feelings for him as well, of course I did. But… there was another thought in my
head. More important than anything else.
Because did Kieran even love me? Truly? Or did he just love the girl I’d been pretending to be this
whole time?
I was unsure if he still would have said this to me if he knew the truth. The whole truth.
…Including my dark past.
“…Kieran… I’m not, ah…,” I started.
How do I tell him I’m not as perfect as he probably thinks? …That, up until recently, my day job was
espionage and murder?
“…I’m not… as great as I might seem,” I said slowly. “I’ve loved every moment spent with you, every
single minute you’ve given me. In fact, I struggle to think about what my life would be like without you
now. But… the truth is….”
I shakily inhaled, forcing myself to do so since it felt as though I couldn’t breathe. This was something
I’d been putting off for so long now that I couldn’t believe it was finally happening.
Everything was about to come crashing down… but I didn’t want to lie anymore.
And so I closed my eyes for a second, accepting it had gone on long enough.
“The truth is… I’m not who I seem,” I finished, meeting his gaze again. It was hard to keep a strong
face. “I’m not a good person. And… I’m sorry. Sorry for keeping it from you… for leading you on… I’msorry for letting myself become so wrapped up in wanting to be with you that I selfishly ignored it.”
“What…? I don’t understand what you mean.”
“I mean… I’ve done truly horrific things,
Kieran,” I said honestly, my eyes beginning to water with tears. “I was raised to handle the dirty side of
my father’s business, no matter what that entailed. Sterling’s death was just a reminder of how that side
will always be a part of me.”
“Don’t say that. Sterling tried to assault you. That doesn’t make you a bad person
“-But Killing more people than I can count probably does though.”
The words left my mouth too quickly to stop them… and they hung in the open between us.
“… You deserve better, Kieran. So much better,” I said quietly. “…Better than a rogue.
He held my gaze for a moment and it was the first time I’d ever seen such confliction in them. A look I
never wanted to see. Not from him. Never from him.
“Rae…,” he started.
But then he sighed, rubbing a hand across his forehead.
…Rae, your past doesn’t matter to me,”
he finished. “It never has. When I brought you here, I made a vow to keep you safe and protect you
from those who wanted to hurt you. That included your father, someone who I had already assumed
had you doing some shady stuff.”
“But that past is still a core part of who I am. You can’t just… ignore it,” I said.“Honestly? If the biggest issue we ever have to face publicly is just crimes your father forced you to do,
then I think we’ll be fine. No one in a right mind would blame you for that. In fact, if I had it my way, I
would have already confronted that monster for what he did to you. The fact he’s still allowed to
breathe… it boils my blood. Just remembering the bruises. and silver suppressors are enough to piss
me off every time I think about it.”
“But I still did all those things,” I argued. “I… wanted to.”
“No, Rae, you didn’t. You just wanted to please a man who only sees you as a weapon.”
However, I only bit my tongue, trying to sort through the mess inside my head. I didn’t even know what I
wanted. At what point can I say it was no longer ignorance but simply innate nature to do what I did?
That I’d been dangerous even before my father had adopted me?
…I was never a good person and I had never even tried to be. Not before Kieran, at least.
Meeting him gave me a reason to do better but… if we’d never met? I would have probably kept on
serving my father unquestionably until the day one of us finally died.
Was that really the kind of woman Kieran wanted to be with?
“Hey…,” he said gently, breaking me from my thoughts. “All that matters to me is who you are now.
Who you want to So….
And he lightly touched my cheek, the warm sparks no longer feeling like a comfort right now.
“So… tell me what you want, Rae… who you want to be. And I promise I’ll accept whatever your
decision is.”
My breath caught in my throat, constricted with guilt.“I…,” my voice trailed off.
He was an assignment. A person of interest to befriend for information.
Information relating to documents I had just located. From that perspective… I was done. I should have
already left and returned back home to my father.
Mission success.
But… I’d had a glimpse of how good life could be with him now. How we were fated together and how
this was some fantasy dream of saving me from my old, terrible life. A prince raising a girl from the
ashes to lead as his queen. A Luna. A’ happily ever after’ fairy tale.
…But I was no queen.
I was… a Raven. A harbinger of death… just as I had been named for.
There was no room here for a Rogue Luna.
And so I knew that, if I really did care for him as much as I thought I did, then perhaps the kindest thing
I could do would be to leave. Because maybe the next time I brought trouble here, it would be far, far
worse than simply an uncle who had it coming. That sometimes people are born as something they
can’t undo. 2
“I… don’t know,” I finally said.
My heart was racing as I spoke, wanting nothing more than to tell him what he wanted to hear. But… I’d
told myself I was done lying to him. And the truth was that I really didn’t know what to do… or who I
was.
“I don’t know,” I repeated, firmer this time. “I’m sorry, Kieran.”And I wish I could have burned from my memory the way he then looked at me. A look of hurt and pain,
and one that instantly made me want to remedy things.
“Ok… well, let me know when you figure it out,” he said. “I’ll be waiting for you. I always will be. There
is nothing you could do or say that would ever make me feel differently about you, Rae. Nothing.”
But as I did my best to blink back tears, I knew it was words like that which only made this more
difficult. He was deserving of a mate who could be what he needed. Not… whatever mistake I had
been.1
Surely a paperwork error by their Goddess.
In the end though, those words of his were the last spoken about it for that night. The atmosphere was
tense, my head was pulsing with a headache, and everything felt… wrong. And as the night came to a
close, I felt myself breaking a little bit more as we slept separately. The first time in almost three weeks.
How quickly I’d become used to his warmth, to his touch. It was clear just how dependent on him I
really was now. A dangerous thing for someone as conflicted as myself, where I wasn’t sure what the
correct thing to do was.
…Was I truly deserving of someone like Kieran? Was it possible to change? 1
Or would I find myself slipping back into old habits one day, unable to distinguish between right and
wrong in a moment of lapse?
Though, his complete acceptance of my past did prove one thing to me however;
That he was a genuinely good person, through and through.
Something I would never be.The next day, I awoke feeling alone.
With the bed empty, I was left to dwell in my own thoughts, the sheets feeling colder than I
remembered them to be. 1:
How was I meant to guarantee that I would never become that person again?
Did a way even exist to erase that part of me? To start fresh with no looming threats from my past?
I wanted to be ‘Rae’ for Kieran’s sake, but what if that was also just a lie?
And so I sighed, my head hurting once more.
Regardless of the confusion, I would need to make a decision sooner rather than later. Dragging this
out was only going to hurt both of us. Clearly, he was just as determined to fix my past as he was to fix
my wolf-shifting problems. But I wasn’t too sure if this could be fixed so easily.
“Still having troubles?” Allison said, catching me off guard.
I’d wandered to the kitchen to grab breakfast, feeling in a daze as I did so. I hadn’t even sensed her
nearby.
“Oh… hi, Allison,” I said quietly, giving her a small smile.
But her head tilted in innocent confusion, her sweet nature showing through. 1
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Did something else happen?”
“No, no, nothing to worry about… just. tired, I guess.”
However, this apparently wasn’t good enough of an answer as she pressed for more details.“…Is it to do with Kieran?”
And I looked at her more attentively. ” How…?”
“He looked strange when I saw him this morning,” she explained. “Maybe more tired than you.”
Oh.
It pained me a little to hear that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. All of this stress was because I
was trying to avoid that very thing from happening one day, though far worse in the future, I was sure.
“I know what might cheer him up,” she said. “A little surprise to make him feel better.”
I frowned. “I’m not sure that’s going to fix this, Allison. It’s a bit… complicated.”
But she just smiled brightly. “No, no, I promise, it’ll be good. Plus, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it too. There’s no
way you’ve never been curious about it.”
“What…?”
Though, instead of answering, she merely held out her hand for me to take.
Something that made me eye it warily after the last time.
“Come on, Raven,” she said. “Please?”
… And I felt myself concede, grabbing her hand as she then led us through the packhouse.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To the archives,” she said. “It’s a special restricted area of the library.”I was pretty sure I’d seen it before. There was a locked door at the back with a keypad and a guard. I’d
assumed it had confidential documents inside, something I’d made a note of before Sterling had told
me the information I needed.
But why would Allison be taking me there?
“Hello, Finn,” she said to the guard there today. “We would like to go into the archives, please.”
The man looked down at her, puzzled by her request.
“Allison? Why do you need to go in there?” he asked. “You know the rules… ranked members and
Elders only.”
Though she simply pouted, undeterred.
“But Raven is ranked, she’s going to be our Luna one day,” she argued. “Why else would have Kieran
told her to go grab him some things from inside?” 2
And as Finn’s eyes travelled over to me, I immediately shifted uncomfortably. This was definitely not
something I wanted to deal with today.
“Why exactly do you need access?” he asked.
Why, indeed, was a good question. An answer to which I didn’t have since I was only a blind participant
in all of this.
However, Allison really wanted to go in, adamant that this was all for a surprise for Kieran. And… I
don’t know. Perhaps it was because I didn’t have the heart to disappoint yet another Lycroft sibling
today, but… I decided to go along with it.“Kieran is busy this morning and asked me to retrieve some documents for him,” I lied. “I’m really sorry
for all the short notice but… would it be okay for us to quickly go in just this once… please?”
He still didn’t seem convinced. “I don’t know….”
And I smiled at him as best as I could muster. “It would really mean a lot to me after all, I’d hate to drag
Kieran away from his work just to come all the way down here….”
That seemed to do it.
With a flustered reply, the guard named Finn got to work opening the archives and allowed Allison and I
in. For which, I still wasn’t sure why we were even here.
Inside, the place was filled floor to ceiling with shelves of papers, books, documents, and a few
valuable looking items. Seeing it now, it definitely looked like the kind of place that warranted a guard.
“Give me a minute to find it,” Allison said, grabbing a book from the shelf.
And I left her to do her thing, walking around the room to explore instead. Most of the books were dusty
from never being used. It seemed like no one really came in here, which made sense with its strict
rules for access.
I scanned my eyes along the shelf in front of me, but I did find one thing slightly odd. One of the books
had been moved recently. Unlike the others, the dust was disturbed around it.
A book with a familiar looking title that enticed me to pick it up.
“Dammit, I can’t find it,” Allison said behind me in defeat.
“What were you looking for?” I asked, turning back around to look at her.
“Well… I thought we could surpriseKieran by finding out which pack your family belonged to,” she said. “I don’t know if he ever told you
this but… most of the time, ranked members mate with other ranked members. Meaning your family
might have been very influential at some point. I thought I could find which pack they belonged to but…
I can’t seem to find any record of ‘Raven Reid’ or ‘Reid
And suddenly I had an overwhelming feeling to leave.
That this was a bad idea and I shouldn’t have come here.
But….
But this was Allison. I needed to get over those feelings about her already.
Especially when things were already so rocky with Kieran. The last thing I needed was to upset him
further.
“Oh, um… that probably won’t work,” I said slowly. “I was adopted by humans, remember? ‘Raven
Reid’ is just my adopted name.”
Or, at least, my working name. Bestowed upon me by my beloved father. Though it had been mostly a
nickname at first, I became so used to being called his Raven that it wasn’t long before I’d cast my old
name aside entirely. It sounded similar enough, I guess, and these days I wouldn’t even turn around if
someone shouted my birth name on the street.
Though her face instantly perked back up at this. “Oh! I didn’t realise. Do you remember your old name
then?”
…And I wanted to vomit. A choking that slithered around my throat, telling me to stop.
A feeling I ignored.“My name…?” I asked, my heart pounding.
Leave. I needed to leave.
Now.
But I didn’t.
And, instead, I introduced myself as someone I hadn’t been in over sixteen years.
“My name is Rheyna…,” I said. “Rheyna Knight.”