Chapter 183: Never Again
Leonel sat on a chair in the Lab Setting, staring out blankly into space.
In truth, in the beginning, even he wasn't fully aware of why he was feeling like this. It could even be said that Thunderous Clap and Roaring Black LIon understood before even he had. It could only be said that the objectivity of a third party was great.
He had come here with every intention of instantly getting to work, diving into training until he could barge his way out. But, instead of doing any of that, he found himself frozen in time.
After a long while, he finally understood the emotion he was feeling…
Shame.
He had made too many mistakes. Initially, he kept brushing them off as though they were nothing more than jokes. But it seemed that as time passed, the 'mistakes' he made continued to have more and more serious consequences. It came to the point where even though this most recent mistake of his had no real consequences yet, he simply couldn't put up with himself anymore.
What truly baffled him was that he wasn't immediately certain of how to fix this. Wasn't it only natural that someone as young and uninformed as him make so many mistakes?
But, the more Leonel thought about it, the more he felt that this excuse was exactly that… an excuse. In a world like this, who cared if he needed time to mature? Would the spider king's venom wait for him? Would the Force Crystal Core let him go on account of his youth? Would Simeon leave him be until he matured?
The answer to all of this was obviously no. No one owed him such a thing.
Compared to others, how much better was his starting position? Whether it was his talent, the treasures his father left for him, or the Lineage Factor his mother left for him… How many times luckier was he than another?
To this day, he still had no idea how well his teammates were doing. Did James fall out with them after being snubbed by him? What about Yuri? She was one of Aina's only two friends. How was she doing with them? Was she okay?
Compared to these people, wasn't he considered to be lucky?Was this what those psychologists deemed as survivor's guilt?
Maybe that was exactly what it was. Leonel felt undeserving. He made so many life altering mistakes, yet managed to survive every time by the skin of his teeth. Sometimes it might be due to his own wit, but how many more times had it just been luck?
Memories were constantly pulled up from the depths of Leonel's mind, each one striking a cord with him.
When he first exited the Mayan Tomb and Aina killed Conrad with a single strike. During their journey to the Fort, he had even had thoughts of being unwilling to live anymore.
How ridiculous had his actions been back then? He even went out and fought seven A-grade Invalids back to back. Maybe that had been under the guise of protecting his friends, but wasn't the truth that he was just seeking death?
How lucky had he been to survive that? Did he even deserve to survive that? His abilities back then couldn't even compare to the current him. A single A-grade threat was more than enough to threaten his life…
Then there was the time within the Joan of Arc Zone. Due to his own selfishness, he forced both him and Aina into a corner. Instead of waiting until both armies had whittled their strength down, he stupidly charged in.
Back then, without a word, Aina had still chosen to follow him. But, had he not found Joan's weakness at the last minute, wouldn't they have both died?
How lucky had he been to survive that? How could he eve think of blaming Aina for lying to him about the entry quota when he, himself, was so selfish?
Then there was the battle at the Royal Blue Fort. He had foolishly traveled back to the Fort, thinking that everything would be over as long as he made his way back. But, that ended up in Aina almost dying, and now she was in a world he knew next to nothing about. Who knew what kind of hardships she was undergoing now?
How lucky had he been to survive that? If he hadn't been so naive, wouldn't Aina still be by his side right now?
Leonel continued to blankly stare at the wall, his heart beat slowing to eerie speeds.
What a joke. Even with Aina by his side right now, would he even be capable of protecting her?
Here he was again. Another stupid mistake. He was suffering here because of his own foolishness, his own naiveté.
How lucky had he been to survive this?
He could have avoided it. Had he just been more cautious, had he just asked more questions, had he just not gotten ahead of himself...
This all ultimately stemmed from his own personality. Nothing ever entered his sights, nothing ever caught his attention. The only exception to this was Aina, and other than knowing that he appreciated her demeanor, Leonel couldn't quite explain his infatuation either. He only knew it existed.
But, what right did he have to have such a disposition if those things he always put beneath his notice always became roadblocks he could only rely on luck to surpass? What right did he have to be arrogant?
His father always said the two most important things in life were Respect and Persistence. But had he ever truly engraved these words into his heart? Or had he only ever taken them perfunctorily?
How could he claim to have Respect and Persistence in all things if he was constantly placing himself above everything?
Leonel suddenly thought of the kind eyes of the Snowy Star Owl. Such a beautiful majestic creature. To it.. He was nothing more than an ant. Yet, it looked toward him with such fondness and love.
'Never again.'
Leonel's heart thrummed.
He didn't mean that he would never make a mistake again. If he dared to think such a thing, wouldn't he have learned nothing? This would just be the same conceit packaged in a different way.
Rather, he was acknowledging that his character needed to be tempered. This feeling of shame… he didn't want to feel it again.
WENG!
A bright golden glow shot from Leonel's eyes. He inadvertently sunk into a state of contemplation. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice his Spirit improving by leaps and bounds…