Chapter 2317 A Good Look
To not care, to be carefree. He wanted it, but his mind wouldn't seem to allow him that sort of peace. It was all too easy for many to focus on the next step forward, to chase that next goal, to aspire toward something larger than themselves, but they rarely thought about what it meant to sit at that height.
If you really did have the power to wave a hand and make everything you want come true, to force it into being, would it all even be worth it?
'What a uselessly human thought,' Leonel thought, still laughing to himself.
He was laughing because he could already see himself taking it for granted, as though he would definitely reach that height, as though he would be proposed with this question one, inevitable day... and when that time came, what choice would he make?
The question was too complicated, too marred by his own biases, and maybe if not for the level of thought he had achieved, he might not have even considered the question in the first place.
'I really hate you demons,' Leonel thought to himself, shaking his head.
Demons had almost killed him more times than he cared to admit. A demon had eaten him alive. Demons were infiltrating his Morales family. A Demon was supposedly his grandmother, toying with his life since even before the day he was born.
If this was a novel, he'd feel that the author was far too on the nose with his motifs and literary themes. What a condescending wackjob.
His life truly looked as though it was the greatest joke. How many existential crises was he going to have?
Well, this didn't really feel like an existential crisis. He felt calm as he faced these questions, and it wasn't because he knew the answer, or because he felt that the answer wasn't as important, but he was already certain of what he would do.
He didn't know whether they would be worth the same, but he knew that he couldn't allow his life to go by without trying to see his father again, he couldn't allow that silly girl who never listened to him to go to the grave without seeing those that had harmed her mother to be buried first.
Even if he found out that their worth really had plummeted just by virtue of his actions... he was too selfish to not try anyway.
And for the first time, just thinking these thoughts, Leonel felt that he had finally understood something about himself, his true self.
For as long as he could remember, he hated to lose, so much so that even if it required crossing the benefits of his own brothers, he would rather win anyway. James had first had experience with this matter.
That day during the championship game, he had known there was something wrong with James. James himself had tried to bring it up earlier in the day, and Leonel had had plenty of opportunity to ask about it.
He just chose not to. He chose not to because he didn't want to face the decision of what to do himself. He didn't want to be split between his own desires and helping out someone he cared for.
So he had avoided James. He hadn't allowed James to tell him about his plight. Even up until this day, he still didn't know exactly what sort of issues James had faced that day.
And why was it? Was it because he hated to lose that much?
No, it was deeper than that.
He was selfish. He wanted it all. He wanted his brother by his side, and he wanted victory. He was insatiable and there probably wasn't anyone who could turn him from his own goals.
How foolish was it to ask the woman out over 500 times? Even if you felt that she might be interested in you, wouldn't it be obvious after the first handful of times that she had worries and troubles that went beyond her liking of you?
He had ignored that. His charisma had made those around him ignore just how ridiculous what he was doing was too, they had even begun to cheer him on, looking forward to the day that he would finally receive his answer. He had manipulated them for his own goals much like he manipulated everyone else to suit himself.
He hadn't cared about what troubles or worries that Aina had had, because all that mattered to him was her saying yes. He didn't care about what might have caused her to be hesitant. All he wanted was that answer.
It was something that was constant. It was maybe his one constant.
He left his brothers behind on Earth, brothers that he had known since he was a toddler, all to chase a woman who hadn't even given him an affirmative yes yet. Their lives were on their line, and they had actually died. But he didn't care.
Aina told him many times that she wanted him to take better care of his life, that she had already lost too much in her life and she didn't want to lose more, that the lives of everyone he was trying to save weren't worth as much to her as his own. But he hadn't cared, even up until the point she had chosen to leave him.
It didn't matter to him, he was on his own crusade, he had a savior complex back then and he didn't even know how much of that was genuine emotion versus a childish hatred of the fact that he had, well... lost.
Thinking about it could make someone quite sick to their stomach.
Did he really make the decision to unify the Dimensional Verse because he wanted to save people? Or was it because his failure in the Valiant Heart Zone stirred his selfish desire to win?
How much had it really mattered to him if he was willing to sacrifice the lives of those thousands of warriors that had called him brother, just to revive the brothers that were only dead because he had abandoned them too?
Leonel looked down at his hands. They radiated the familiar bronze color of the Morales family, but in his eyes right now, they just looked beaten and bloody.
He had finally gotten a good glimpse of himself, free from the restraints of an almighty future self, and his conclusion was quite something.
He had never been as good a person as he thought himself to be.