"I'd rather be alone, and even if I have to surrender everything, including myself, I only wish for her to remain clean and pure. That night, I overheard her conservation with Qin Yinan on the phone about dress-testing. Images of her in the Red Garden in her wedding dress filled my mind. 3 am but couldn't sleep from stress in the heart. Was downstairs taking the pills when she ran into me. Was panicked beyond belief, stammered when I asked her if she wanted to drink water. Eventually, found a random reason and escaped as soon as I could. When she told me good night, I only had enough clarity left in me to reply with a simple, 'night'.
"The handful of tranquilizers cannot calm me down even when I'm back in my room. The lights in the house are still on, and they are blindingly bright. However, my world is as dark as it could be. There will never be a ray of light that shoots through the darkness like that fall in 1996, October 8th."
There will never be a ray of light that shoots through the darkness like that fall in 1996, October 8th…
A knife seemed to shoot through Song Qingchun's heart, and her whole body shivered from the painful impact. Her hand that gripped the diary shook violently, and her tears fell on the diary one after another, smudging Su Zhinian's handwriting.
From the moment she realized he loved her, she had never doubted his love, but she had no idea how deep his love went. All this while, she had thought that her love for him was incredibly deep, but after reading his diary, she realized that her love was nothing compared to his love for her.
He had so cruelly rejected her confession, he had left her that box of morning-after pills, he had humiliated her so deeply at his office… but now she realized, when he did all those things, he was harming himself as well.
He was such a liar, an indubitable liar who had swindled her since the beginning and until the end, but she found herself unable to hate him. If anything, she only felt heartache.
She was his light… She was his light… She was his light… He knew that he could never leave her, but he tried his best to force a front when he was around her, all so she would live a life of purity under the sun.
But what about him?
Behind the persona that he had manufactured, he was struggling alone in darkness, madness, and despair.
She thought that the month she had lived after returning from Hai Nan was the worst there could be, but she had never realized that the man who looked so serene on the surface only managed to look so unfeeling because his heart was already dead.
He had once told her that he had loved her throughout his youth, but that was untrue; he had loved her throughout his life.
The diary slipped from Song Qingchun's fingers.
Song Qingchun could not control her emotions anymore as her body slid down from the sofa. She collapsed to the cold floor in a weeping heap.