Love had always been known as the scariest and hardest pain to heal. Because love had been the pain from the start of time and yet we need love to heal that pain as well.
Sometimes we love someone without even knowing it ourselves. And we love so deeply that the fear of that love buries itself deep in our soul. That's when we start denying our feelings because to us, only denying would help us overcome that fear.
One can never be prepared for the loss of a loved one but how can we be sure that one can be prepared for love?
Ru was that person who didn't know whether she was ready for love or not but she knew in her heart she had loved Xiao Zhiren for long. Perhaps longer than he had and that was something her heart was certain about.
"What are you thinking?"
With her back against his chest, Ru was lost in her own thinking. His voice had vaguely registered in her mind.
"Do you think people are scared of love?" She asked distractedly.
"Aren't they? You're also one of those people." He stated matter-of-factly while hugging her even closer.
Ru shook her head lightly as she replied, "I've never been scared of love. I just didn't know it until now."
"Then what are you scared of?" He questioned as he nuzzled her hair.
Ru turned her face to look at him as she said, "Loss." He frowned while she continued, "People are scared of that loss that love brings with itself."
"Isn't it obvious that when people love someone they'd be scared of losing that person?" He retorted feeling certain.
Ru snickered softly, "Fear of losing the one we love can be scary but something else is even scarier than that."
"What?"
"Fear of losing ourselves." Xiao Zhiren stared at her fearful look. "We are often scared to lose the pieces that we offered to that one person whom we loved. Just like the fear of knowing that 'good' in 'goodbye' was meant for forever."
Xiao Zhiren pinched her face saying, "Have your mind ever stopped thinking nonsense?"
"I don't think so," she replied honestly. It wasn't like it was her fault that her mind was always wandering off.
"Go to sleep," he said and closed her eyes with his hand.
Ru also thought it was a good idea to close her eyes and shut her mind if she really could. Because there was a high chance that she was gonna get crazy with all those strange things running through her mind. Today had already been tough for her. Accepting so many feelings all at once wasn't an easy task.
Then she even had to restrain herself from kidnapping a little milk bun. That was the toughest part for her. But knowing that she'd only be offering darkness to that bundle of light was enough to dissuade her from acting upon her plans of kidnapping.
She was feeling emotionally drained perhaps that's why she soon fell into a slumber. However, it was not a dreamless sleep for her yet again.
[Ru found herself looking at a path that continued alongside the river. Under the azure blue sky, the path was lined with white cherry blossoms. And as the light breeze blew, the cherry blossoms fell like the first snow of winter. It was a beautiful sight. So beautiful that one might think it was part of a fantasy painting.
A willowy figure of a woman was standing alone on that path. There was a white muslin cloth tied around her face while she wore a red and black traditional Hanfu dress. The woman lifted her hand and caught a falling cherry blossom. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at that beautiful cherry blossom in her hand.
"Why did you want to catch the cherry blossoms?"
A male voice asked coming right beside that slender woman.
"Catching a falling cherry blossom makes your first love come true. Haven't you heard?" The woman replied.
"You actually believe in such stupid things?" The man retorted while blowing the cherry blossom away from her hand. "Your first love is standing before you already. It has come true."
The woman looked dejected seeing how her cherry blossom was lost now. She punched the man's chest and complained, "What did you do? What if you forgot me one day? That cherry blossom was to ensure that we end up together." She looked really aggrieved.
The man hugged her from behind with his arms around her shoulders and said, "Even if I forget you one day, my heart won't. It'll always remember you. And I know that my heart will lead me to you even in next life." When the woman didn't answer him, he added, "Okay, I'll catch another cherry blossom for you."
The woman stomped on his foot and said, "It doesn't work that way!" Saying that she lifted her skirt in an unnatural and not so elegant way before leaving him standing there all alone.
"As I excepted, you only changed your clothes. Nature is still as violent as always." The man's voice from behind seemed like an echo that was suddenly lost.
Slowly the scene before Ru changed and this time, she found herself on a cliff. What shocked her was the woman standing before her. She looked so familiar and yet so unfamiliar.
With blood dripping down the side of her face, she looked like someone who was holding the last shred of her life desperately. There was a sword stuck right in the middle of her chest. And the one holding the hilt had tears pouring down his face.
The man held her body in his arms and said, "Why did you do it? Our love was never wrong. You'd always be my salvation."
Coughing blood, she replied, "And you became my damnation."
"We were meant to be soulmates," he reminded her.
"And it was always bound to be a sad story." She coughed blood again.
"Please, don't say that..." he cried.
With her willpower, she lifted her hand and pushed him away as she said, "Thank you for waking me up from this dream I called love. This moment... I'll remember. If I ever crossed my path with you in any life. I wish my heart never beats for you again. Ever!" With that, she let her body fall backward where lied the deep valley of death.
"Xiaoxue!" An agonized scream was the only thing left behind.]
With that last voice, Ru's dream was ended and she opened her eyes back to reality where she was lying still beside Xiao Zhiren. He had a peaceful glow on his face as he slept. She could hear his strong and steady heartbeat but instead of comfort, she felt an ache in her heart.
What was it? She couldn't tell. The images in her dream were vague but she still remembered every word vividly. Why was it that she always had a strange dream whenever he was beside her? Ru slid out of the bed and ran out of the room to get some fresh air.
The agonizing pain in her heart was making her feel suffocated. And the worst part was, she didn't even know why she was in pain.
"Xiaoxue? Xiaoxue? Xiaoxue?" As Ru whispered this name, again and again, the ache in her heart increased in intensity. She felt tormented, tortured, injured, and heartbroken. "Who are you? And what do I have to do with you? Why is your name so painful to me? Just what are you? And why am I feeling sad for you?"