Chapter 304 - Farewell, My First Love
"Are you saying that falling in love with you was a mistake?" Xiao Zhiren really wanted to know what his feelings were at this moment. He could hear each word of hers, he was even able to understand the meaning and reality behind her words but he was unwilling to accept that meaning or that reality.
"We can never be the judge of someone's love or any feelings. But it's also true that you're at fault..." she took a moment as her hand ran through her short hair. "Your mistake was to underestimate my insanity, ruthlessness, and the chaos I bring with me."
"But all I ever wanted was for you and me to become us," he was agitated as he abruptly sat up but in the process, his hands somehow touched her abdomen and when he pulled his hand back, it was sullied with blood. He forgot what he wanted to say as the reminder and burden of how he was the one who gave that wound to her came crashing down. His hand trembled as he choked, "I... I'm really sorry! I didn't even..."
Ru waved her hand offhandedly as she didn't even let him complete his sentence. She looked down at her black shirt and shook her head. She definitely broke a stitch without realizing it. It was a good thing she was wearing black all over.
"Zhi," she called out to him but Zhiren didn't turn to look at her. "Zhiren, look at me." Zhiren turned his head away refusing to do so. Ru held his face in her hands as she turned his head around to look at his face. But he had turned his gaze down, not daring to look into her green eyes. Ru sighed out, "Do you now understand why I'm taking a step back?" Zhiren's head hung low as she went on, "Whatever happened two days ago won't ever let you look at me the same way as before. This is just another stab wound for me but to someone like you... It's akin to a nightmare. Let's assume for a second that I can forget the way you looked at me but can you forget what you saw?"
She patted the side of his face as she added, "You asked me whether I can be a normal person. I answered I can't. Because in my own view, I'm pretty normal. It's the matter of perspective, what you think is normal might not be the same to me."
"You and I have hurt each other in our own ways. We both let each other down. So, it's better to take a step back from each other. I'll give you the time you need, you give me the space I need."
Zhiren lifted his eyes up and Ru noticed how tears had brimmed in his eyes but since he was trying to hold his tears back, his eyes were bloodshot.
"Are you really gonna leave my hand all over again? Are you really able to swallow this pain?" he asked with painful eyes boring into her soul.
"It's either the matter of; we can endure it or we don't want to endure it. There is no such thing as not being able to endure the pain." She chuckled surprising him as she added, "Besides, who said I'm leaving your hand?" Zhiren's eyes sparkled but the next moment she dropped a bomb on his head, "Didn't I give you a blood oath? I'll forever be your sworn brother."
Zhiren stared at her for a long while in silence. His shoulders hunched as he said, "How come you're still able to joke with me?"
She put on her shoes before standing up as she said, "That's because I hate tears. If this is really the last time I'm seeing you, I definitely don't want to leave with sadness."
Xiao Zhiren also stood up and pulled her in a hug saying, "Every time we parted ways, I lived with the hope that I'd see you again. What am I supposed to do this time?"
Ru patted his back gently as she said, "This time you should accept the reality instead of chasing the illusions. And the truth is, some people can only have a place in our hearts, not in our lives." She let herself divulge in the warmth of his body before she pulled away and kept a distance of an arm's length. "Thank you for coming into my life! Love had never been my goal. It never was, it never will be. I never even thought I'd look for love but then you came to my life and made me experience the feeling of it. I don't even mind the pain it brought because that means, I learned something."
"You certainly are an eloquent person. Even at this moment, you have all the right words." Zhiren didn't know what else to say. As she said, he might really never be able to look at her without the reminder of that day. And he'd never be able to live without feeling the guilt of almost killing her. If her body wasn't poison resistant, he knew very well that she'd not be alive right now and that thought was a lot scarier.
Ru extended her hand towards him, "Have a nice life, Xiao Zhiren."
Zhiren took her hand as he said, "You once told me I should hold my life tightly, you might snatch it from me. I never thought you'd be so true to your words." Because I called you my life and you're really taking it away from me. The worst part is, I have no right to stop you. He took a deep breath before adding, "Thank you for showing me the real darkness. They say darkness can't destroy light; it defines it. Your darkness truly made me see the beauty that I never even found standing in the light."
Ru's lips curved up in a lopsided grin as she said, "Let's not forget that my darkness is leaving a lot of horrors in your life as well." She pulled her hand back and smiled widely as him. "It's ironic but you made my demons really dream of halos. However, demons can only be scorched by halos, mine did as well."
She turned around to leave. Zhiren's eyes were stuck to her figure. He would never call this the end. Never! If anything this was just another chapter of separation. Even if this chapter didn't end in this lifetime, he'd wait for it in the next life. He wasn't willing to believe that his love was not only a sad one or painful one but also an incomplete one.
Ru stopped at a distance and looked back at him as she said, "Zhiren, take care of your brother. This is the first time I'm not able to keep a promise. I said I'd never let Yuan fall. It's a play of destiny that I ended up being the one who ruined his worldview and destroyed his innocence. I'm really sorry for that." She even bowed her head in a deep bow to show her sincerity.
Zhiren was speechless as she stood straight and again turned back to leave. This time she raised her hand over head to wave back at him as she shouted, "Farewell, My First Love!"
Maybe that was the last straw for him because the moment she said it, she seemed far out of his reach and it hurt so badly that his tears finally fell down. Farewell, it was but how he felt it was like the world had come to standstill. Farewell; it was just a word and yet it was enough to destroy his world.