Pushing his mouth to mine, kissing me with intention and cooling my jets completely as he tugs my
arms across my back snugly. It’s not a passionate, tongue caressing kiss but it hits the mark and
renders me mute in the blink of an eye. Calming the tidal wave of insanity and making me surrender to
him on every level with minimal effort and I hate that he suckered me this way and exposed a severe
Achilles heel. Finally, he pulls free and regards at me for a long moment.
“I’ll let your arms go if you promise to calm down, take a breath and hear me out.” He gazes at me
imploringly, swallowing nervously and despite myself, sticking up my chin in defiance, I nod. My heart
hammering from exertion, my brain trying to take control, but I am so spent; the exhaustive outburst
has taken what little energy I had left in me and another bout of attack won’t be effective in any way.
“Fine.” He waits a second to see if I mean it, before releasing me and I pull my arms across my chest
again as he does so. I turn away, taking on a stubborn and angry pose when really, I am scared that
he’s just going to deliver another blow to my wounded soul. Arrick moves back to give me space,
moving to my bed and sits down, breathing a little excessively and looking completely shattered too. He
pats the space beside him, gazing my way but I only scowl at him and meet a resigned frown.
“I love you … I am in love with you. I fucked up, screwed everything up because I was scared and
stupid as shit. I made the wrong choice, a lot of wrong choices concerning you because of how much I
thought I would lose, and I have spent every second since regretting it, Sophie. I lost the only thing
which ever mattered to me in all of it. You have to believe that. I meant all of it.” Arrick stands up again,
obviously hating that I am still standing here like a statue. Anger brimming inside as he gets closer to
me and I turn on him aggressively again before he can lay another hand on me.
“Why should I believe you? Where were you? Three fucking months since you asked me to leave your
apartment. Where the fuck were you?” I yell at him, tears finding a fresh wave and rolling down my
face. Even when I thought I had no more tears left to fall. He reaches for me impulsively, but I step
back away from him and pull myself into a tight huddle, wrapping my arms around myself. He pauses
and waits, realizing I am on the severe defensive and touch will only make me worse. He appraises my
body language and expression, so fully focused on my eyes, with so many emotions on his face it’s
weird to see. The cool and calm poker face is gone and instead, a guy who is seriously struggling to
stay in control.
“I came for you. I did … I swear. Four weeks after you left, when I realized just how badly I had ruined
all of our lives, Sophs, like I told you. When I couldn’t function anymore with not seeing you. I came to
try and do this then.” He reaches for me again and clenches his fist, pulling it back in frustration at not
being able to touch me, but I stay glaring at him coldly. My heart is torn with the many things he still has
to answer for, so much my heart and head want to hear before I can even contemplate forgiving him.
Like why she is even here if she is nothing to him?
“And?” I snap, not understanding why he’s saying he came when he didn’t. I would have seen him,
spoken to him, maybe even been able to forgive him if he had. I had not seen or heard from him at all,
in all that time.
“I saw you with Christian, outside your apartment. I didn’t know he was gay, and to me, it looked like
you had found someone else, you looked happy. I knew I didn’t have a right to fuck any of that up for
you, even if I was there to try and get you back. Jake already told me that you didn’t want me near you
anymore, I didn’t know how to react.” Arrick turns away and back again like he has too much energy
inside of him buzzing about and needs to release it. I stay still, scowling at him, so unwilling to let him
past my wall and hurt me again, afraid to take anything he is saying at face value while I know she is
sat in his parents” house across the street.
“So, Natasha left you, and you came after your second choice? Yet because I wasn’t alone, you gave
up so easily.” I turn my back on him and go off looking for a box of tissues, trying so hard to keep the
tears at bay and failing. I am bristling with so much that I cannot even dissect how I really feel about
anything he is saying.
“No. She would still be trying right now to claw back what we had if I let her. She wanted to keep trying,
she wanted to fix it and go back to how we were. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay with her. You were
never the second choice. You have always been the one for me, even when I couldn’t see it. I felt like I
had severed half of my soul and had nothing left to be happy about … I never gave up on you, I saw
you happy with him and knew you deserved that more than I deserved you. I screwed it up, I wasn’t
about to fuck up your life again; I only ever wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.” His
answer makes me stop, holding my breath, a strange calmness overtaking me at last and I wonder if
my seriously broken wall of defensiveness has finally come into play.
“Go on.” I turn back to him and frown his way, watching as his eyes stay on me wherever I go.
Impulsively wiping away my tears not that they have stopped flowing and watch him warily. Strangely
surreal and empty inside.
“I couldn’t exactly make her forgive me for something I didn’t even regret, and there was no way in hell
I could stay with her when you were all I wanted. I was pining for you, every second that I was around
her; all I thought about was you. This constant weight in my chest has been a reminder every second
that I’m nothing without you, Sophs.” Arrick swallows hard, his eyes glazing over and subtly clutching
his t-shirt at his heart for dramatic effect.
“You are my biggest mistake, Sophie … Letting you go was the single stupidest thing I have ever done
in my life; failing to see what you are to me. How much I need you.” Arrick bites on his bottom lip and
swallows hard, curbing his own fragile emotions and sighs heavily. Watching me like a hawk as though
looking away will sever any chance he has with me.
Suffocation hits me hard again, tears prickling my eyes as my heart constricts, and I lose that relieving
sense of nothing that was all too fleeting. I can’t look at him, turning away as more make their way
down my face and curse this stupidity. I know I am still drunk, and half of this reaction is because of
that, and my emotional exhaustion. Trying so hard to stay strong, but he is saying everything I ever
wanted to hear, breaking me apart in so many ways that I can” stay strong. I turn back to stare back at
him, unable to say anything while my heads this much of a wreck. Arrick sees my silence as a reason
to keep talking, closing the gap a little between us.
“I don’t deserve you … but I am going to fight for you in every way I can; do anything to be the guy who
deserves you again.” I turn from him when I can’t control my tears anymore, not wanting him to see
how badly this is ripping me apart as he gets closer, afraid to let him in. He comes up behind me,
unable to stop my sadness even when I feel his hands on my shoulders and my traitorous body sags
back against him.
“She’s only here because she needs a friend. After I broke up with her, her dad was diagnosed with
cancer … he’s dying, Sophie, and she’s a mess, I couldn’t just cut her off. I’m not that guy, I never have
been, and I can’t be cruel to someone who never deserved any of this. She knows we’re over; she
knows it’s because I’m in love with you. She knows that we’re not getting back together, even if I never
get you back. I asked her to come here and see my family this weekend, to get her away from the city
and her problems. I never thought anything would happen with you and waking up to the realization
she was arriving while we were together, in bed … I didn’t know how the hell to handle it. That’s what
the “fuck” was all about, not that you were beside me, that was pretty much the happiest moment in my
life.” Arrick sounds tired, hell I’m tired. I don’t know what to think or feel and I just can’t seem to get a
handle on my feelings or this dumb crying. He turns me to him and cups my shoulders gently, bringing
my face to his so we’re mere millimeters apart and looking equally lost in this moment. Two people so
afraid of each another, him in case I reject him, and me in case letting him in again kills me.
“I don’t know what to say.” I finally sniff, sighing as he slides them down my arms slowly, sending a
million goosebumps in their wake and sighs at me with unconcealed adoration, now I am both calm
again and no longer staring at him with unconcealed hatred.
“That you want to try with me. Just give me a chance. That’s all I am asking for. A chance to be with
you … It’s what I want more than anything in the world.” Arrick’s eyes come to mine, so uncertain and
for the first time I see real fear in him. Something I never thought I would see in him, ever. That I could
hold the power to wounding him the way he wounded me and for a moment I am not sure I want that
responsibility while my head is still so messy.
His phone rings in his back pocket breaking the moment between us, he pulls it out, frowns at the
screen and slides it back with a heavy sigh that signals “please, not right now”, but before it goes I
catch sight of her name on the screen. Guilt and decency hitting me in the gut and knowing I should be
the better person for once. I may be sobbing in his arms about what he’s done, but she’s sat alone in
his family’s home, breaking her heart over more than him. I hate that despite my fury in life, I am this
soft sometimes.
“Answer it. You can’t leave her sitting over there indefinitely.” I move away from him to give him room,
but he only follows me when I make my way to the bathroom door.
“You matter more. I’m not leaving you … not when I’ve only just got you back with me.” His eyes rest
on mine, a look of complete honesty, his hand coming to stroke my cheek with his fingertips, and he
seems to devour every single inch of me with his eyes. I swallow down the uncertainty and cup his
hand in mine reassuringly, pulling it away gently with a need to have some headspace. I need a little
alone time to let all this filter in.
“Answer the phone, at least tell her you will come over soon, or something.” I glance away from him,
hating that she’s there, but hating knowing she is probably alone with her pain. Knowing why he is here
with me if she knows how he feels. That can of weird worms concerning her and how I feel about her,
rising once again to confuse the shit out of my brain.
Arrick hesitates, looks at me for some sort of reassurance that it’s really okay, and kisses me on the
forehead lightly. An old affection that knocks me off-kilter, another sweep of threatening tears which
only reinforces the fact I need space from him to think. He ponders me a little nervously, then answers
the phone when it starts to ring again, all the while staring right at me with apprehension.
“Hey… Yeah, I am.” He frowns at me, then turns and walks off towards my window and looks outside,
obviously feeling hugely uncomfortable now he has answered it in front of me and giving us both
space. “I’m sorry, Tash. I never thought this would happen, you know I haven’t seen her.” He sounds
agitated, yet remorseful; that cool tone coming through now and I watch him for a second, letting all my
feelings bubble together for a moment. Part of me grateful that he isn’t hiding the call or what he’s
saying from me. He could have left my room for privacy but chose this. There’s a long pause as he
sighs again. “That will probably be for the best … I’m sorry it happened this way … Don’t ask me that, I
won’t tell you either way … Yes, I’m still with her now.” He leans against the window, sighing so he
casts breath down the glass then draws in the cloudy space while listening. I smile softly, stupidly,
when he writes an “S” absentmindedly and draws a heart around it like some love-struck teen and then
lets it fade away, oblivious to the fact I can see him doing it. It warms my insides a little because I know
he isn’t trying to be cheesy, it was impulsive while he was distracted, and for a moment I believe that he
means everything he keeps saying. Maybe, they are more than fast words to win me around.
I watch and listen, my head all over the place concerning him and I realize I am still standing in my
crushed dress, last night’s makeup and have probably looked a lot better. I need some space from him
like I intended, some time to get my emotions in check, to let all of this sink in for a few minutes and
just be still.
I walk off towards my bathroom and catch him looking my way with a half-smile on his face and a warm
look that translates so much. He looks like a guy who’s found his long lost something and can’t believe
his luck. It makes me feel heavy inside, so much laying on my head. I turn and point towards the
shower and get a nod in return, needing the space to get my head together, needing to leave him to do
whatever it is he is going to do while I figure out if I can really let him back in.
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