Arrick’s POV
~ Breaking up with Natasha ~
Sitting on my couch, leaning forward with elbows propped on my knees, I stare at my cell for the
millionth time and scroll to Sophie’s name on the list. Last call was twenty-eight days ago... twenty-
eight long days of hell, silence, loneliness, and lack of Sophie. Twenty-eight days; the last time I felt
anything but the constant absence of her and heavy pit in my stomach, from her disappearing in every
single way, and leaving a gaping silent sunless space in my life.
I’m missing her like crazy, keeping her last texts messages because it’s all I have left of her to hold on
to. I scroll to the very last one, again. It’s a nothing text; I don’t even remember what it was in response
too, as it’s not connected to the conversation before it. Just one single text, one that sums her up in so
very few words and I stare at it as my chest heaves with that same ingrained weight that I feel daily.
Body sagging at the sight of it and mood plummeting.
You’re lame, Douchebag xxx
I stare at her smiling face, I saved as her contact image, and it has the same effect that it has every
time I do this to myself. Like a gut punch from something sharp. Dull, yet piercing. She has no idea how
much this hurts. I never knew I could miss someone with the depths of agony that I miss her. That
missing someone could make every part of you ache, like a toothache you cannot relieve, no matter
what you do.
That unique agony of a slicing sharp pain cutting through your chest a million times an hour with every
single thought of her. I trawl my cell almost daily, for the snippets of video on my phone that have her in
them, for the signs of her in my life, our past life. It’s all I have since she disappeared on all my social
media; she either removed her accounts, or blocked me on every single one, I know because I have
searched for her and nothing comes up.
All the pictures she’d tagged me in are gone too. It’s like she wiped out every connection in one fell
swoop. She blocked me from her life in all ways. Cut me off and severed me, like I deserve, like she
should because I hurt her.
I stare at that smiling, once happy face. Taken on a trip, a couple years back long before Tasha was in
my life. Perfection in a picture. That almost love heart shaped face, framed in natural honey blonde
hair, big tropical blue eyes that even now haunt my soul, and the devastating mouth of a born
seductress. Pouted soft pink lips, natural blushed cheeks, and flawless complexion.
Sophie could have been a model in another lifetime, if she had a start with the Huntsbergers long ago,
and never developed the fear of men she has now. She’s beautiful enough. I don’t have a single bad
picture of her in my cell, every one as photogenically flawless as the previous. She never really acted
like she knew she was gorgeous; I don’t think she ever saw it and it only made me love her all the
more. I know it’s not right, to sit and stare at her face anytime I’m alone, to try and find pieces of her I
can draw back to me. Natasha is clinging to me, trying so hard to make this work, but my heart walked
out that door four weeks ago, and never looked back and try as I might, a human can’t function without
one.
I didn’t know what I had until I didn’t have her and ever since I have no clue what I am even doing
anymore. It kills me to know she was right here, in my grasp and I had her in any way I wanted her, but
I still let her go. I dream about her, I think about her every day, yet I know I lost all of it. She was more
than just my best friend, she was ingrained on my soul, so that severing every tie has torn me apart. I
never knew how much I needed her in my life, never saw how emotionally invested I was in her, until
she left.
Except I made her go, didn’t” I?
This was my choice. My doing: so, I only have myself to blame. She told Jake that she doesn’t want to
hear from me, and I keep telling myself to give her time. I thought I knew what I needed to do, to fix this
whole mess. I figured in time we could sort this out, but all time has shown me, is that I stayed behind
with the wrong girl.
Sophie took more than just her things from my life, she took the sun, the happiness, and the sense of
purpose with her. Since she walked away, I feel like I don’t care about anything anymore. My job, my
career, my training; I’m just going through the motions emptily and some days it takes me all my
strength to even get out of bed. It all seems so pointless now.
My phone buzzes and Natasha’s name pops up at the top of the screen, above Sophie’s smiling face. I
have to drag my eyes from her to look, and it takes a moment longer than it should.
Almost there, are we going out to eat? xXx
I get that same weight of duty and guilt washing over me, it always drags me back to this. The fact I am
still here, still doing this, and trying to make amends. I sigh as my thumb hovers over the home key on
my cell, the one which will tuck her face out of sight again, so I can respond to Tasha.
I linger, looking at her and that same weight hits me in the heart; it happens so many times a day that I
should be used to it, but I swear it gets worse every time. Every blonde girl I see, every dumb unicorn
or fast food vendor. Every cheesy pop song, old movie, or lame girly cartoon. I just see her.
Everywhere. Like my own personal torment. It never feels any better.
Sure x
I reply, with zero enthusiasm. I know I’m just going through the motions with Natasha. I don’t even
know why anymore; I have no energy or inclination to do anything about the state of our relationship.
I throw my cell on the coffee table and slump back. I can’t bring myself to kiss her, let alone sleep with
her and we seem to be skirting around one another all the time. Polite, weird, strained atmosphere.
She is the one who is trying so hard to be together again, when it should be me. I’m the one who
fucked it all up, I’m the one who betrayed her, yet I just can’t find it in me to try. I should never have
followed her to the elevator that night. Never have left Sophs, she would be here if I altered that one
tiny decision.
Staring at the ceiling for a minute, I know I should go get changed. I’m still in my sweats from training,
but I don’t care. I can’t be bothered getting up and showering, can’t really face going out to eat either or
having her company. Nate has been busting my ass the last few weeks, over how off focus my game is
and my trainer managed to punch me square in the jaw today, because I let my guard down. It still
fucking hurts. A rookie mistake, one I never make, but my head isn’t on fighting anymore. Nothing
seems to get my head back on task. Maybe I need a break, and time, to do absolutely nothing. A trip
skiing, or maybe on my dad’s yacht.
Thing is ... every trip I have ever enjoyed, also has memories of her. I sit up and grab the remote, in a
bid to push her out of my head and stop torturing myself over this. I made my choice and I need to man
up and live with the consequences. It will get better, it will pass. Sophie is still there, just out of reach,
but I’ll get her back.... She loves me as much as I love her, we’re like two magnets who are always
drawn back to one another, and if I can fix all of this first, she’ll come around too. She’s my best friend,
we need each other. She just needs time.
I’m just wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, because I miss her, insanely. I need to think beyond this,
when feelings are less bruised, and people are more open to building bridges. I can’t give up on the
hope that I will see her again. She’s sulking and hurt and in time, she won’t be.
I hit the button on the remote and the last paused movie is still on screen. I never watch movies
anymore. The last few weeks I’ve kept myself busy almost constantly, so that I can come home and
crash and sleep away the hours before I do it all again. I blink at the screen as I try to work out what it
is, pressing play so that it comes to life in a burst of color.
It’s Sophie’s favorite movie, ‘The last Unicorn’, paused from when she was sat here watching it and
then we paused it to go out for Chinese and ended up going bowling instead. I can almost picture her
next to me, doe eyed at the cartoon unicorn on screen and sobbing her eyes out when she finds her
family in the sea. Clinging to me, in a bid to relieve her upset and stealing the popcorn from my lap as
she snuggled herself against me. I know every detail of this movie; she has watched it so many times
that’s imprinted on my brain for an eternity. This one holds so much weight in terms of Sophie and I and
our history together.
I stare at the screen and it hits me with the weight of a thunder bolt, completely out of the blue. My
heart constricting painfully as I stare at the dumb white horse in front of me, waving like a flag of
realization. That nothing will ever be like it was, Sophie will never sit here with me again, and watch this
dumb movie, ever again. Never. That where it was paused is pretty much like what’s happened to us,
destined to forever be a stuck on that one scene and abandoned because the one person who would
move it along to its natural and happy conclusion , won’t ever sit here and press play. There won’t be
alone time, or movie time, or Soph and Arry time, ever again.
Even if I manage to salvage a friendship, Natasha doesn’t want me to know her anymore. I betrayed
her with Sophie, she would never want her near me again. Especially not left alone for the two of us to
cuddle up on the couch for a movie night like we loved so much. She has all but begged me to promise
to never go back to how it was with Sophs. That our relationship, even if I see her again would stay
completely distant and polite and no threat to her.
I couldn’t, I can’t promise that. It goes against everything in me to not be what I was to Sophs, but even
I know how callous it would be to do that to Tasha. If I want to be forgiven and fix us, then I can never
go back to how I was with Sophie. Never be as close, never touch her or spend time alone with her. No
more calls, texts, emails, in jokes, or time on road trips, any trips for that matter.
Sophie and Arry will be no more, and like a massive slap in the head I realize that is never what I
wanted. I never really thought of the future in terms of Natasha imposing restrictions on my friendship
with her. So fucking naïve to think I could salvage Sophs and Arry and that Tash wouldn’t interfere or
be upset. I didn’t think ahead to the reality when my brain was a chaos of fucked upness and lost in the
details.
Sophie is all I want. If I could have her here right now, beside me, platonically, watching this dumb
movie and eating junk food then I would... over everything. Over sex, over duty, over my fight career,
my family, my whole life, all the fucking money in the world. Even over Natasha and a life with her. I
miss her that much that half of me has been severed and taken away and I have no hope in hell of
recovering. And the same thing that has turned over in my brain, to be pushed down a million times a
day, hits me once again and for once I don’t silence it like I have since the night she left me.
I chose the wrong girl. I chased the wrong girl. I let go of the wrong girl.
I stare at the screen, numbing out the noises and images and become so consumed with the fact that
this isn’t temporary, no matter what I tell myself, how I spin it and try to delude my heart. This isn’t
something that will end, and we can pick up the pieces. This was a choice of one or the other. Even if I
kept denying it repeatedly.
Of never being with Sophie ever again, seeing her, hearing her, touching her…. needing her, and it
strangles me with the force of a steel grip.
I can’t believe I was so blind to this, so stupid of the obvious outcome when choosing what path to
follow. I never saw it that way at the time, I kept telling myself it was a means to an end. I never really
thought that one choice, one moment of doing the right thing would be an end to her... and me... That I
would never be a part of her life ever again. That I would lose every single one of those moments we
shared. Innocent moments, movies, jokes, smiles... her smile. Now I see it clearly. Even if she wasn’t
cutting me off and shutting me out, Tasha will never allow Sophs to be close to me ever again and my
choice, my loyalty to a woman I chose to stick with, dictates I should never want it either.
It rips me open like I’m a piece of paper and emotion hits me in the throat. It really feels like someone
just switched on a light and illuminated the flaws in my plan, in the most stupendous way and my
broken heart only throbs all the harder. I’ve avoided dissecting this, analyzing this and looking too far
ahead since that night, in hopes of keeping my shit together and getting through one day at a time.
Focusing on the now and resolving the problems so that in time, I could get back to her in some small
way. I should have always been looking to the future, keeping my eye on the far horizon and where my
happiness lay.
I love Sophie. I’m in love with Sophie.
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