Chapter 90
Editor: Whiteflare
Proofreading: Mashiro
—Beginning…In the beginning, where was I, what was I doing?He thought in a daze.
Just like before, he turned all the light sources in the room off, with only the screen glowing faintly with a cold light. The words strung together into the lines of dialogue were like wet traces of ink on a paper sheet, blurring one after another between the rays of light, gradually turning into an indiscernible mess of black and white.
He raised his hand on the table a bit, letting go of the button he kept in his palm.
Then, he moved his hand away—as if to keep himself from instinctively reaching for that button—before he slowly curled it into a fist.
The light before his eyes submerged him like a tide rocking up and down. His consciousness was stored in a small boat, drifting back to the beginning of his memories—the beginning he always chose to keep sealed in the depths of his memory. Now, he made a choice to open it back up.
At the very beginning, there was that rented apartment.
The upper side of the entrance was covered in rust, a reversed “fortune” character taped on the door. Inside, he was sitting with that woman.
He was playing while sitting on the floor, and the woman sat on the wooden chair before him, her expression numb, two dried out traces on her cheeks. The receiver of the phone hadn’t been properly put in place after the call that had just ended and laid crookedly on the side—one could still hear the long beeping tone of the ended call.
Each month, there would be a few days like this, and each time, the woman wouldn’t say who called—but he knew.
Was it dad, he asked.
The woman’s eyes shifted a little, looking down on him, the corners of her pursed lips suddenly turning up. That smile was wretched and miserable.
It was dad, she replied. That reply made his eyes light up momentarily.
—When will he come back.
—He won’t come back…—Why.
—Because…
Suddenly, the voice of the woman he had met once again today rang by his ear, “Shen Yan, he never wanted you.”
At that moment, the time on the screen suddenly jumped from “120” to “119”.
The jump of this one second made him shiver all over, and he instinctively pressed his fingers on his throat—it was as if it was being choked by the hands of that woman, stopping not only his voice, but also his breathing.
118.
117.
There were three seconds of utter silence.
His hands were trembling minutely. He opened his mouth—he could hear the rapid breathing coming from his own mic. It was still very quiet and could easily go unnoticed if one didn’t listen attentively. There was a moment where he wanted to grab that button, but he endured, his hand curling tightly into a fist on the desk.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
The moment the voice appeared was like waves breaking the water surface, yet hearing it was like sinking underwater.
Qi Jing also felt himself sink along with it.
Shen Yan’s voice was like an icy iron hook, immediately catching his hearing, submerging his whole person.
“…What do you want to know?”
It was half a breath, half an actual voice.
The former was formless, the latter tangible, but also a bit hoarse, creating a very unique quality. Just like the muddy bottom of the pond upon getting hit with a stone, the sedimented mud slowly rising from the bottom of the water, swelling up and obscuring the view.
The water was also alarmingly cold—
Then, the man suddenly quietly laughed once in his headphones. It was just that one sound, but it was already full of the hollowness of the living deadman.
“During his life, the emperor&#k2026; he had never mentioned me, because he didn’t want the people to know of my existence,” He said, his speech very slow, like a person walking in the water, each step forward beyond heavy, “Me and my mother wandered about outside for over ten years, we have never even&#k2026; taken a single step inside the capital.”
“Gasp—” At that moment, Qi Jing subconsciously took a sharp breath, like if he didn’t do so, he would really drown.
He shivered all over, a strong chill rushing up his arms, making him cover them with his hands. Before Shen Yan finished the first line, he felt as if he kept sinking down the deep, black waters.
Sinking without reaching the bottom.
Since there was no bottom to reach.
Even the “Bai Ke” audition didn’t make him feel this way.
His only similar experience was when, after going back from the hospital, he looked into Shen Yan’s eyes, wanting to understand from them what he was thinking. The alienation in his expression at that time was no different than now, like a pitch-black sea, depriving one of the courage to throw oneself into it.
And that “what do you want to know”, it sounded just… as if he was directly replying to the question that he had asked at the time.
But as a matter of fact, these words were indeed from the lines for “Marquess Shunyang”.
The person he spoke to was an old minister who had followed the previous emperor everywhere since before he got enthroned and knew about the secrets of the past. He knew of “Marquess Shunyang’s” origin, so he sought him in private, risking death to beg him to reclaim his identity as a member of the royal family. He wanted to rebel against the current emperor in Marquess Shunyang’s name as the emperor’s blood brother, putting an end to the incapable ruler.
This part of the dialogue was “Marquess Shunyang” reminiscing about his past from when he was a child.
But…
“But that’s not right…” The tone wasn’t right and emotions even more so—all of it was amiss from the very beginning, completely wrong.
Qi Jing muttered, feeling a chill rushing through his whole back.
It was clearly written in the speech prompts,【Bitter chuckle, but his tone is calm and composed】
As described in the novel, although “Marquess Shunyang’s” childhood had been rough, after growing up, he received a lot of support from kindhearted people. After the hardships of the past, he began a new, better life and after entering the army, he became widely known as a man of wisdom and bravery—a steady and impressive leader. He had a military background, so his bearing was unlike that of an usual aristocrat, always impressing people around him with his fortitude.
The image Shen Yan had just created had this impressive fortitude in it, but its nature was completely different.
The fortitude of “Marquess Shunyang” was like a midday sun, bright and dignified.
Yet Shen Yan’s fortitude… was as if the sun had already burned out, leaving only ashes behind with no warmth left to spare. It was like a bone-chilling cold, like a midwinter river pricking one’s body with its frosty bites.
—Shen Yan, just why are you like this?
Audience 1: …Just why is Kitty’s Papa like this…【 kneels 】
Audience 2: …What kind of joke is that, Kitty’s Papa’s tone isn’t only different from other contestant’s, it completely disregards the published acting prompts!! He missed it all the way through!!【silently joins in kneeling】
Audience 3: ┭┮﹏┭┮ It can’t be… Kitty’s Papa, what happened… Why would you make such a rookie mistake??
Audience 4: ┭┮﹏┭┮ There’s no rescue from this kind of mistake anymooooore…
Audience 5: ┭┮﹏┭┮ Why like this! I didn’t wait for so long for the sake of a performance like this!
Audience 6: Kitty’s Papa had reached the end of his capabilities at this point… (lights a candle)
…
Qi Jing couldn’t stop himself from reading those worried comments in the chat; his heart was just as anxious, leaving him on tenterhooks, and their comments only made his anxiety spike.
Reached the end of his capabilities?
Nobody is perfect, that’s a matter of fact—even though Shen Yan had skill, he couldn’t give an absolutely perfect performance. But Qi Jing would never think that Shen Yan could possibly make such a grave mistake, completely missing the right direction.
Under unusual circumstances like that of a competition, some contestants would choose to win favour by using unexpected means, striving for a high score by giving a novel performance completely unlike the others.
But novelty could only win so much, in the end, everything had to match a certain general outline to make do.
Shen Yan had always been loyal to the source material, to the point it became his “trademark”, so why would he choose to give a completely different performance than the others and insist on deviating from the original? Why would he go against his interest?
That’s just too unthinkable…Qi Jing started to regret not listening to Five’s advice and stopping Shen Yan beforehands.
“Not only that…” If you’ve set the scene with the acting of your first line, then what are you going to do with the remaining lines?
Qi Jing fixed his gaze at the official lines.
【What do you want to know? During his life, the emperor had never mentioned me, because he didn’t want the people to know of my existence—me and my mother wandered about outside for over ten years, we have never even taken a single step inside the capital. He might have really been a man who abandoned his wife and child, but the way I see it, he was a merciful ruler.】
“There’s no way you can pull off that last line, Shen Yan.” Qi Jing said with a heavy heart.
“Marquess Shunyang” loved his home country, so even having experienced a difficult childhood, he could still attach more importance to the big picture. He left behind the personal grudges, praising his royal father’s rule as wise. And the prompts in the official lines pointed that out even more clearly; the emotions portrayed through that last line should be “sincere and full of esteem”—because for him, the bygone resentment was nothing compared to the country and its people.
Qi Jing had read the original novels, and Shen Yan did as well, even taking longer while analysing its subtleties.
In the novel, “Marquess Shunyang’s” emotions were indeed portrayed as such. If he still remembered that, then it should be even less likely that Shen Yan would forget it.
At that time, he heard a faint laugh in his headphones.
Compared to the laugh before, it was more like a cold, jarring laugh, one that would precede an emotional breakdown. That man’s voice at that time had already emerged from the depths of his memories, the grief in his tone washed away as the water surface broke, now replaced with an iceberg—having reached the freezing point, the waters solidified into an ice.
“He might have… really been a merciful ruler,” At that point, his voice rose mockingly, finishing off with a sudden, cutting edge, “But the way I see it, he was a man who had abandoned his wife and child.”
Ah…Qi Jing’s mind momentarily went blank—he felt as his heart skipped a beat, then started racing wildly.
So that’s how it could be done.It could actually be done this way!
He didn’t add or skip a word of the line, he didn’t even change a single bit—by only exchanging their position in the sentence, he could deliver the previous emotions smoothly all the way to the end.
Audience 1: …!!!!
Audience 2: …!!!! He changed the line! No, that’s not right, it’s more like he changed the position of the lines! So now he can finish it without changing a word, so cool!
Audience 3: Waaah, suddenly I started to really hate the previous emperor!! That’s right, what about him being a merciful ruler, from Marquess’s standpoint, he was just a man who abandoned his family!! This kind of performance actually is so convincing. After having been treated like that, how could he be without any resentment… QAQ
Audience 4: To be honest, when I heard him doing the first line, I really thought he made a mistake, but after hearing that last line… I think that he did so on purpose, not by accident.【Thumbs up, it’s really amazing】
Audience 5: I think that he did so on purpose +1 He completely disregarded the script, to the point of going against the original novel, but I… Shame on me, I actually got into it!! ┭┮﹏┭┮
Audience 6: Me too… If I were Marquess Shunyang, I would certainly reminisce in the same tone as Kitty’s Papa—because the previous emperor was such a scum of a father!! Although this kind of performance certainly won’t get accepted by the competition organisers… I’m so worried, so worried: will Kitty’s Papa manage to pass to the next stage?? (cries)
…
Just as everyone waited while holding their breaths, that man slowly hid away his edge.
After all, he was a learned man who already knew to look at the big picture, so when he realised he forgot himself, his already habitual self-control wouldn’t let his wounds continue bleeding—at least not where other people could see.
Even though what he had to say next was just as sorrowful.
“When mother was approaching her end, she didn’t say anything else, only repeated one thing over and over… and that was to keep that a secret till my death.”
He said that slowly, then his voice hesitated, as if continuing with that reckless behaviour would make him unable to contain his emotions. Qi Jing heard that man rough breathing just by the mic, each inhale and exile making his wounds hurt. After a long while, he continued, “So only by becoming a mute… was I able to live to this day.”
A mute.
That word suddenly cut into Qi Jing’s chest, just like stepping onto glass shards beneath the mud after having walked in it for a long time. He couldn’t possibly guard against it as it cut his skin and flesh.
In that instant, an inexplicable illusion arose in his mind.
He felt that it wasn’t “Marquess Shunyang”, but Shen Yan himself.
Because that word, mute, linked them together.
Once the two of them overlapped, he once again experienced this character’s grudge and hate towards his father, then the bitterness of being unable to even mention it for so many years, all those mixed feelings—all of it made his heart hurt so much.
But what made him the most distressed was the last line of this scene.
【That being the case, if I were to tell you that I really don’t feel like I’m pitiful, would you believe it?】
In the original lines, after reminiscing about the past, “Marquess Shunyang” confessed to the minister that he had no grudge against the former emperor. He was speaking his sincere feelings from long ago, so at that time, his tone should be both a bit frustrated, but also a bit gratified, as if he had got rid of a heavy burden.
—”Even if all of you don’t believe me, it’s fine; I really think I’m not pitiful”, this kind of meaning.
But it was different for Shen Yan.
When Shen Yan read those lines, his voice was full of constrained emotions; even without seeing him, one could tell that he was clenching his fists so hard that they trembled.
“That being the case… If I were to tell you that I really don’t feel like I’m pitiful, would you believe it?”
He stressed the last four words.
He made a calm declaration into a rhetorical question, one that would make one shake one’s head in a hurry, with no way to retaliate or even query—”If I said that I don’t feel I’m pitiful, would you believe? Of course you wouldn’t, how would you even believe it—”
Audience 1: ┭┮﹏┭┮ I don’t I don’t I don’t!!!【 SCREAMS 】
Audience 2: ┭┮﹏┭┮ Marquess aaah, it hurts so muuuuuch— Quickly let the emperor brother heal you!!【eh】
Audience 3: ┭┮﹏┭┮ Although I really want to join the commenter above, but I’m already holding my heart from pain… I have no strength left to ship the younger top brother x brother ship【oi】…There is only pain in my heart now…
Audience 4: He completely overthrew the original work… _(:з」∠)_
Audience 5: Even though he overthrew the original work, he can still deliver the emotions smoothly, with nothing out of place… I got convinced. _(:з」∠)_
Audience 6: …I… I actually like this Marquess Shunyang more…【I’m sorry, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a reader of the novel… I should be criticising him, I’m not fit for the og readers party, I might be more suited to be Kitty’s Papa’s brainless fan…QAQ】
…
That’s right.
Shen Yan’s acting didn’t follow the original at all, but the feelings in it were still genuine.
Or perhaps it could be said that… This way of expression was actually more genuine.
Compared to “Marquess Shunyang”, that optimistic and so noble that he was almost selfless character from the novel, this man right now was everything but perfect, everything but lofty—but he was also so much closer to a normal human being that could get hurt, could feel pain—in terms of realism, he was much more persuasive.
At that time, Qi Jing suddenly froze as if he had remembered something, then covered his mouth.
T/N:
Whiteflare: The start of this chapter gave me whiplash… poor SY! Who else wants to give him hugs?
Lucilla: *raises hand in a speed of light*
Mashiro: Although that change was almost flawless, I am not able to be in awe. Instead I am so sad for SY.