Chapter 92
Editor: Whiteflare
Those three words were also a conclusion for the audition.
He had no score, as he didn’t complete all the required lines and didn’t even qualify for appraisal.
He had no position on the ranking because he forfeited himself.
He clearly had nothing, but he gained so much more than with any of the performances before. In his heart, he had already added the final full stop—there was no need for any finishing touches, it was complete.
Qi Jing blinked his eyes and the haziness before his eyes was momentarily gone, but his vision quickly blurred once again.
Every time he blinked, there would be something wet spilling from his eyes, falling down his cheeks.
Yet he laughed.
“Haha…”
His laugh was soft and quiet, but the more he laughed, the more his tears would flow.
He slowly, calmly took off the headphones, separating the rowdy sounds of the competition from the reality, going back to that peaceful apartment.
During the early winter time, it was even easier to offset this warm cosiness.
He took a few deep breaths in silence, then lifted his hand to try to wipe his tears. Before he left the channel, he caught a glimpse of the messages “Five” sent him.
【★Five★】said to【You】: …
【★Five★】said to【You】: …
【★Five★】said to【You】: … Really, I didn’t expect that…
【★Five★】said to【You】: … I have said previously that with this, no one can help him, but it seems like I was wrong. Return Date, you really are amazing… Thank you.
—No, I’m not amazing at all. It was his own strength that got him here.
Qi Jing laughed as he looked down, closing the laptop.
At that time, he heard the quiet sound of the door being opened.
The door opened, but the man himself stood by the doorside, hesitant to come in. The corners of Qi Jing’s lips curled up a bit as he deliberately spoke in a flat tone, making himself sound very serious.
“Come here.”
There was no modulation to his voice, so it was impossible to judge whether he was happy or angry.
The man outside the door froze for a moment, but he still made a step inside and slowly made his way towards him.
He didn’t say a thing, didn’t turn his head, only sitting silent on the bedside as he listened to that man walking from the door to his side. Even when the man already stopped within the reach of his hand, he still showed no reaction, his expression unfazed—only his lowered eyes contained a mellow smile the other man couldn’t possibly see.
“…Qi Jing,” That man finally called, his voice stifled and rough from suppressed feelings, “Are you angry?”
“Of course I’m angry.” Qi Jing didn’t deny.
Shen Yan’s complexion instantly paled.
But before he could even step back, Qi Jing suddenly moved closer, opening his arms as he held his waist in a tight hug. He breathed in that calming scent almost greedily, laughing quietly as he spoke, “Do you know how many tears you made me shed tonight? My eyes will certainly swell later, so of course I’m angry.”
Shen Yan trembled slightly, like a man who just heard a verdict deeming him innocent, letting him free. His knees got soft as he slowly kneeled on the bed, as if deprived of any strength.
His hands fumbled around Qi Jing’s back for a while until he made sure that what he was touching was the real Qi Jing—only then did he breathe a sigh of relief and close his eyes, leaning over to tightly hug the person before him.
But the tremor in his voice wasn’t gone yet. “I thought that… you were angry because I kept this kind of unsightly past from you, and that you… couldn’t forgive me.”
The hands on Qi Jing’s back tightened their hold, fingers digging into his shirt twisting together with its cloth into a sorry mess.
Qi Jing could clearly feel the hesitation and lingering fear in his heart.
Influenced by those emotions, Qi Jing buried his face even deeper into their embrace, muttering in a hoarse voice, “Dummy… Only those who did something wrong need to be forgiven. What did you do wrong?”
“I… deceived you.”
“You didn’t deceive me.”
“I wasn’t clear with you…”
“That’s not deception, deception is built upon lies.” Qi Jing corrected him slowly, “You haven’t said anything before… But when you spoke, each of your words were true.”
At that time, he asked once again.
“So, what did you do wrong?” Nothing at all.
Shen Yan couldn’t even say a word anymore, his breathing rushed as he tightened his embrace even more, kneeling still before him.
Qi Jing said nothing, just gently pulling his elbow to get him under the duvet to cuddle, waiting patiently for his breathing to calm down.
“Qi Jing,” After a while, he spoke hoarsely, “I’m, a…”
“Don’t say it,” At that time, Qi Jing hastily pressed a finger on his lips, not letting him use that derogatory term. At least, it was still derogatory in current society. “No need to say that, I have already guessed.”
Shen Yan’s eyelids twitched and he blinked twice, as if he wanted to get rid of the stinging pain in his eyes yet was unable to.
Qi Jing lifted his hand, covering his eyes gently to make him close them, then quietly moved his fingers away to lay a kiss on his eyelids. Like a tired child, Shen Yan leaned on the bedhead, leaving all the initiative to him, giving in to his movements.
Qi Jing felt that his eyelids weren’t twitching as much anymore, only then supporting his head on Shen Yan’s shoulder with a sigh, “To be honest, I had that inkling before.”
Shen Yan shook, then asked in a low voice, “…From when?”
Qi Jing laughed bitterly, “There were many clues along the way, but all of them were very vague, so… I never thought much of it. It was only on the day when we went to sweep your grandpa’s grave and I saw that your name wasn’t on the gravestone that I realised something. But at that time I just thought that you were an adopted child of that family, so only during your performance just now I…”
He stopped there. He didn’t say anything more, there was no need to.
“I’m sorry.” This time, it was Qi Jing who apologised in a quiet voice. If he was only an adopted child, some clues wouldn’t make much sense upon careful consideration&#k2014;he really was too slow.
Shen Yan shook his head in silence.
The two of them fell into a spell of a tacit silence, warming each other up in their embrace in silence.
Until Shen Yan spoke.
“…That ‘auntie’ we met in the hospital today… In fact she’s… my biological mother.”
Qi Jing’s eyes shot open and he lifted his head in shock. Shen Yan only laughed bitterly, “I haven’t seen her for almost ten years since she remarried.”
At that time, he stopped for a moment then corrected himself in a heavy voice.
“No, I shouldn’t say ‘remarried’… Because she and my biological father were never spouses in the literal sense. Before I got taken in by my grandpa, I was just a kid with no identity who had no real connection to the ‘Shen family’ besides the surname.”
Qi Jing frowned slightly, pulling on the hem of his clothes in silence to pull Shen Yan closer to himself.
Shen Yan followed this movement by hugging him tighter into his arms and lowering his head, rubbing it against him a few times as he tried to bury the pain in his voice under the flat, narrating tone, “I was born in a small town, my mom’s birthplace. It was a very small place and people there were very conservative, including her family. She grew up in that environment… But since she was much better at learning than other people, she also knew a bit more and wished to see the world outside that town.”
“And my father was a local who grew up in this city. His family circumstances were pretty favourable, so after graduating from college, he got assigned to work in my mom’s town for a period of time and so they got to know each other… then, they got me.”
The longer he spoke, the lower his voice became, so low even that he had to stop for a moment, unable to continue.
Qi Jing didn’t hurry him up, only stroking his back in silence, giving him a bit of comfort—even if it was only temporary.
“When my mom got me, she was still unmarried. At that time and place, if it got out, it would bring her great humiliation, she would be gossiped about and looked down upon for the rest of her life. But my dad… he didn’t want to marry my mom, because at that time, he had already agreed to another marriage that got arranged for him by his superior.”
The man from his memories was always clad in a dark suit, with an immaculately smooth shirt and a well-ironed collar, as if carved with a knife.
The man’s eyes were cold, his face rigid, an utter realist from his looks to his deeds.
The woman hid the child him behind herself. When he looked stealthily from behind her skirt, there were some thoughts in the gaze the man gave him. But in his thinking, there was only the answer, but no consideration—only the final result triggered by the issue, with no emotional toll of processing it.
The man was born in a good family from the provincial capital and the woman was from a small county town. They were not meant to be since the very beginning, their backgrounds didn’t match.
The man worked in civil service and as a proper civil worker, his name and reputation was his everything.
The man had been recognized by his superior, and marriage was only means to pave him a better future, it had nothing to do with feelings.
The man felt that the woman didn’t understand him.
The man felt that the woman didn’t sympathise with him.
The man felt that the woman did a needless thing, and the child was exactly that “needless thing”, a foolish thing even.
“My mom’s way of thinking when she was young was very simple. She thought that as long as she had me, he would one day change his mind.” Saying this, Shen Yan gave a faint, wretched laugh, “But he didn’t.”
He moved his forehead down from where it was pressed into Qi Jing, leaving briefly, only to bury it silently by Qi Jing’s clavicle.
“Because he… never wanted me.”
That emphasis on “never” made Qi Jing’s hurt lurch painfully.
Shen Yan continued narrating the details of his past intermittently.
Most of them were already like the days they came from, old and blurry in his memory, but still as real—nothing could change the stifling feeling as they weighed on one’s heart.
As for the things Shen Yan had said, Qi Jing more or less had heard them from other places.
He was a news reporter, so in reality, he would see incidents like this almost every other day; it was nothing new to him and it could be said that once you saw one case like that, you’ve seen it all. Many of his colleagues could treat those stories just as decent material for an article in the factual channel, thinking it like mere letters printed in black and white, but he couldn’t do that.
He knew that behind each of those recordings, there was always a scar, or perhaps many of them…
“Shen Yan. Shen Yan…”
Qi Jing would at times call his name so, waking him up from recollecting the past, reminding him of his presence, not letting him sink helplessly into the quagmire of memories or struggle all on his own.
And as he spoke, Shen Yan kept hugging him, never letting go.
“Later, my mom and I moved to this city, but my father still didn’t come.” He said, his gaze as if mixed with an ashen gloom, “My mom fell into alcoholism and would often break things when she was drunk. There were times when she would go crazy, and the worst time… she almost suffocated me in a comforter.”
Qi Jing shot up from his embrace in shock.
Shen Yan just chuckled bitterly as he shook his head, supporting his shoulders as he continued, slowly and crudely, “At that time… I really was too scared, and escaped. After neighbours got to know about that, they almost notified the police, but maybe because she was my only family member and she wasn’t sober at the time, they ultimately didn’t call the cops, making a call to my father instead.”
He stopped for a moment.
As if distrait, at that moment, his narration sounded more like a query, as if he himself didn’t really believe what he was saying, “At that time, my father came—”
At that time, the man realised that he should cut short the woman’s hope, and the woman realised she should abandon her hope.
At that time, the elders got to know about their son’s affair for the first time and about the existence of the grandson they never met as well—that was the turning point of his life.
“After that accident, my mom broke down completely and took me back to that county town. Later… She married another man in a marriage arranged by her parents. As for me, they intended to give me back to the Shen family.” He took a long breath in, and finally, a bit of warmth appeared in his voice, “Although my father didn’t take me, when my grandpa got to know about that… he agreed to take me in and raise me. He will always be my benefactor.”
He lowered his eyes, smiling faintly.
“The reason why my mother gave me the surname Shen was because that was the surname of the man she had loved, but that’s not why I kept it. For me, ‘Shen’ is ‘my grandpa’s surname’ and not ‘my father’s surname’… Isn’t this kind of thinking silly?”
Qi Jing resisted the pain he felt and shook his head hastily.
No one who heard his recollections would be able to laugh at it.
“Before, I thought that ‘Marquess Shunyang’ was very similar to me, but I was wrong.” Suddenly, Shen Yan mentioned the audition from a moment ago. He said, as if muttering to himself, “We’re not the same at all. He could abandon his personal grudge for the state, but I’m unable to, I really… Hated my father so much.”
Shen Yan loosened his hold, not to let Qi Jing leave his embrace completely, but to just let some space in between them to take out that button, holding it in his hand.
“Perhaps, I’m not as magnanimous as him, but I have something he doesn’t.”
Qi Jing followed his gaze and looked down. The light flickered on the button; upon closer look, he could see the small version of his face reflecting on its surface.
Surprised, he lifted his head once again. Shen Yan wasn’t looking at the button anymore, observing him in silence instead.
With the man himself there, the substitute lost all of its allure—
“When the first scene started, I kept reminding myself to not touch this button—because it would remind me of you and of how fortunate I am now,” Shen Yan pulled Qi Jing’s hand closer, putting it in his own. With their hands clasped, the button was just between them, like a rite of some oath. Shen Yan laughed, puzzled, “I could even forget that I used to be miserable.”
If it came to that, he would no longer be able to re-enact those feelings.
At first, Marquess Shunyang was a very bright and positive figure, but as the plot progressed, he became more and more gloomy and towards the end, the negative feelings still broke him… like a candle flame reaching its end.
“At the time when my grandpa had just passed away, I also felt like this. My mother bore me, brought me up, but still chose to abandon me; my grandpa raised me and watched me become an adult, but he still left me in the end… I thought that my life was just this kind of sinking, that anything good I had would ultimately get taken away from me.”
But the moment he touched the button, those thoughts would cease to exist—he would only remember that his heart was full, so full that it was overflowing.
He would only remember that he was being loved, and was loving.
“That’s why I chose the opposite direction to his.”
For the last few lines, he had to put down the burden in his heart to face it calmly, that’s why he held the button once again, as if he was holding onto Qi Jing’s hand.
“Shen Yan…” Qi Jing discovered that his voice was somewhat shaky, just like his fingers were.
On the contrary, Shen Yan was particularly calm.
Even when his words shook Qi Jing completely, he could still keep the unperturbed tone, “My mom… She has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. The examination results will only come out tomorrow, so at the moment, it’s still unknown if it’s malignant or benign.”
Qi Jing’s face paled instantly, “No way…”
Shen Yan lowered his head as he finished his words in a quiet voice, “When she told me her diagnosis, I… I actually completely forgot about everything she had done to me in the past. The only thought that remained in my mind was, ‘I need to help her’. Maybe it’s because I had my grandpa and you, so I had a footing—I no longer felt any impact from the memories of her hurting me. I was already… unable to hate her.”
After that, Shen Yan didn’t say anything else.
Qi Jing also remained silent as he looked at the man before him with mixed feelings, keeping him company as they sat together for a dozen or so minutes.
Probably feeling cold, Shen Yan changed his position, drawing him closer into his arms—a gesture of seeking warmth. Of course, Qi Jing didn’t refuse him, but two men hugging together could only warm each other for so long, it couldn’t fend off the winter from outside the apartment.
And he didn’t wish to limit himself so.
He wanted to reach the true end of winter.
“Can I have a talk with your mom?” Qi Jing suddenly said.
The abruptness of those words was even a level above him saying that his mother was sick just now—Shen Yan lifted his head quickly, staring at Qi Jing in surprise. And the gaze Qi Jing met him with was undoubtedly steady and sincere.
“Can I have a talk with your mom?” He didn’t get a reply, so he repeated in a soft voice. But despite asking the second time, he didn’t get Shen Yan’s immediate response.
The two of them looked at each other; Shen Yan didn’t find even a trace of wavering in Qi Jing’s eyes, making him frown. His first reaction of refusal was halted by Qi Jing’s gaze—he swallowed it down, seemingly wanting to say something but unable to.
“She…” doesn’t even want to communicate.
“Don’t worry.” Even though Shen Yan didn’t say it, Qi Jing still knew what he meant. The corners of his eyes curling up in a smile, he rubbed his nose against Shen Yan’s cheek, saying in a low voice, “Did you forget about my profession? I’m a reporter, I know which questions to ask and which to not. I’m even highly praised in my news channel crew—”
There was a slight joking tone to his voice, so as to disperse the gloomy atmosphere a bit.
After hearing this, Shen Yan finally laughed helplessly, then sighed.
“Fine,” If his most important person didn’t mind it, then he didn’t need to fear anything. But he still needed to warn him beforehand, “But she might not want to talk at all, so don’t push her too hard.”
“I will act reasonably, but I also won’t step back easily—after all, interviewing is my specialty.” Qi Jing smiled, calm and confident.
Shen Yan stared at him fixedly, the light rolling in his eyes, flickering in the silence. The flickers in his gaze were like the winter sun shining upon the calm waters of a sea—not as radiant as the summer sun, but it made the warmth even more precious.
“You said that interviewing is your specialty.” Shen Yan suddenly repeated his words from just now.
“Mn?”
“Then, when will you have a proper interview with me?”
It was hard to tell if this sentence was a joke or a real question. Their relationship offline started off with a work collaboration, but in that news report, Shen Yan had always been behind the scene, never showing in the camera—even in the manuscript, he was only referred to as “Dr Shen”—Qi Jing really had never interviewed him face-to-face.
Hearing him ask this question, Qi Jing was stumped for a moment. When he finally came back to his senses, he lowered his head, unable to help a chuckle.
He turned his head over, leaving a gentle bite on Shen Yan’s throat.
From it came a low hum of either pain or pleasure. But when Shen Yan lowered his head to kiss him, Qi Jing stopped him with a finger—keeping him away with that one finger, Qi Jing sighed, their lips just by each other, “I had interviewed many people as a reporter, so interviewing you once more from that position wouldn’t be as memorable… If one day I really became a news presenter and got my own programme, I will let you become my first honourable guest—”
At this time, he took back his finger and as his lips touched Shen Yan’, his remaining words became unclear.
“But even if I manage to get promoted this time, I will only be a co-presenter… For me to properly get independent, I would have to wait another two or three years… you need to… wait for me.
“I will wait.” Shen Yan promised in a low voice—those three words could last for countless days and nights.
No matter if it’s three years, four, five, or maybe ten, twenty, thirty… I will wait for you.
When Qi Jing woke up the next day, it was as if nothing had changed, but also as if… everything became so novel.
He couldn’t remember how many times he woke up in Shen Yan’s embrace.
What he saw upon waking was no different than before, it was only his feelings that had changed. The casual and small furnishings of the room now appeared strangely more familiar—he finally realised that he belonged to this place, belonged to this home, to this man.
He smiled slightly, then closed his eyes to snuggle back into the warmth.
He didn’t know if he had become more prone to hibernation—although clearly already awake, he was too lethargic to move. The chest of the man before him was like a comforter warmed up to a just right temperature, enveloping him whole, so that sleeping with it made him very comfortable.
—If it wasn’t for his body, all sore and weak.
Qi Jing supported his head on Shen Yan’s chest as he laughed quietly. It seemed like at least some descriptions from the novels weren’t completely unbased.
Shen Yan also hadn’t changed. At least, he didn’t change at the surface.
Shen Yan had a habit of kissing him before getting up, sometimes on the forehead, sometimes on his eyes—usually, there was nothing sexual about it. But today, that kiss landed on his lips, resulting in their dawdling in bed for twice as long as usual.
Just as always, Shen Yan got up first, letting him doze off for a little longer, but that day, he started off with a shower. Water in a shower took a long time to heat up during wintertime, so he showered first for it to warm up, then let Qi Jing shower next.
As usual, Shen Yan prepared him breakfast. He would do that everyday, but that day… The breakfast was evidently too sumptuous.
“Like a young wife who just got married off”—Qi Jing almost said so to toy with him, but when he thought about how this ‘young wife’ would be him, his face blushed and he coughed quietly, not saying anything.
The two of them still behaved like every domestic couple, it’s just this time, there was a bit of newlywed feeling to their day.
Moreover, after coming clear to each other, their conversations got a lot more unrestrained and natural.
During breakfast, they even chatted contentedly about small daily trifles, but when they cleared the table and prepared to change the clothes before coming out, Shen Yan suddenly stopped talking.
Silent, he helped Qi Jing put on a coat, taking care of it from its collar to the buttons before he couldn’t help asking, “…You’re really going?”
Qi Jing put the breakfast leftovers into a small lunch box, putting it into his bag as he raised his head with a smile, “What, are you still worried?”
Shen Yan neither agreed nor denied.
Saying “I’m not worried” wouldn’t sound believable, so he’d rather not say that—not to mention that the man standing before him was Qi Jing, a seasoned news reporter.
After a long time, he sighed softly and cupped Qi Jing’s face in his hands, moving it closer as he urged him in a low voice, “Go. Don’t take a bus, it’s rush hour now, so it won’t be safe with all that pushing and shoving, remember to hail a cab.”
All that time, Qi Jing was smiling faintly, pecking him on the corner of his lips when he finished as a sign of agreement.
Just as Shen Yan advised, Qi Jing hailed a cab to the provincial people’s hospital, but about a kilometre from it he asked the driver to stop, wanting to walk for the rest of the route.
It wasn’t because he wanted to cut down on the taxi fee, but to leave himself some time to make a call before meeting his “interviewee”.
Qi Jing walked at a slow pace, moving forward as he followed the long, grey street wall as he fished out his phone. He slowly entered a string of numbers, one he didn’t actively call for many years already, but stopped before pushing the call button. He looked up and took in a mouthful of winter morning’s chilly air.
With this cold air as a cushioning, he shouldn’t get frostbitten when the time comes.
At that time, the call went through, then a drowsy, not yet fully awake voice could be heard.
“Hello?”
That tone was no different than usual.
He probably really has just woken up and didn’t have time to check the incoming number, that’s why he sounds so calm—Qi Jing laughed with a hint of self-mocking, but he didn’t laugh long.
“It’s me.” He answered calmly.
As expected, the man on the other end of the call got caught by a surprise, waking up immediately. There was a four, five second gap in the conversation, reaching the point where the silence almost made the man himself awkward, so he finally tossed in a stern voice, “…What do you want?”
“I just wanted to call home and ask about how you’re all doing.” Qi Jing also felt mystified—to think he was actually able to continue the conversation with such calmness.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” His little brother Qi Zhe spoke just as coldly as before.
The meaning was, he wanted him to end the call himself.
Qi Jing didn’t do that, continuing instead, “Then get dad to the phone.”
Although muffled, he could still hear the indistinct sounds of the morning radio broadcast’s music in the background—it was his father’s habit to turn on the radio after getting up and listen to the old, nostalgic songs as he washed, shaved, ate breakfast, and wore those black presbyopic glasses to slowly read yesterday’s newspaper.
He stuck to this habit for many years, and it seemed like it didn’t change even years after he left the home.
Since the radio is on, then father should already be awake—
But Qi Zhe refused him coldly, “He doesn’t want to talk with you.”
That reaction was within Qi Jing’s expectation, so he also replied flatly, “You didn’t even ask, so how do you know?”
At that time, his father’s voice could be vaguely heard from the speaker, seemingly asking “who is calling”. Qi Jing’s breath stagnated—he didn’t have time to say anything before Qi Zhe cut in the word he was about to say, “We all know that—enough, don’t call us anymore!”
Then, a sudden “clack” could be heard.
Next, he heard the robotic “du—du—du—” sound of the call getting hanged, just like his trembling fingers as they tapped lightly at the phone’s screen.
Indeed, he should have already known how this would end. Qi Jing slowed down his nearly disarrayed breathing and closed his eyes, leaning against the wall for a moment with his head flung back before he gathered strength to once again head for the hospital.
Just as he was about to put the phone back into his pocket, it suddenly started ringing.
—It was the ringtone of an incoming call.
He shook slightly and his hand froze for a moment, but then he slowly turned the phone screen back, lowering his head to take a look. The number on the screen was the same as the one he called just now.
As if he sensed who the caller was, his throat became a bit dry, his voice shaking a bit as he answered the call, “…Hello?”
The man from the other side of the call didn’t say a thing.
Qi Jing also remained silent, just waiting.
What he finally heard was words no different than before, and it was just the speaker’s voice that sounded a bit older. Probably because its owner had yet to start drinking today, it sounded much more sober than usual. “What do you want?”
A/N:
After the wedding night—
2Yan: The ugly daughter-in-law is going to see mother-in-law. (Although he still needs to pay obeisance to his maiden family)
Uncle Goose: …The daughter in law is very pretty…
2Yan: >///<
Five: …You’re both too much (flashed blind by their PDA)
_(:з」∠)_ Although it’s only one chapter, but the word count is worth two chapters… Maybe it’s the newlywed’s (?) blessing?? If just the amount of comments could get proportionally long, then… (look at my honest eyes!!)
T/N:
Lucilla: Among multiple factors that killed me those weeks, the length of this chapter is one of them… But it was so worth it! The healing part of this novel is definitely one I treasure the most and this chapter has plenty of it <3
Whiteflare: “I will wait.” Kyaaaaa! <3 I really adore how they heal together.