Chapter 93
Editing: Whiteflare
Truly a father and son pair, even their lines are out of the same mould—with the rise of such a thought, the corners of Qi Jing’s lips curled up, but the movement was never completed.
After all, before his father, he has long since been unable to smile completely.
With that half-baked smile, Qi Jing repeated quietly, “I just wanted to call home… ask about how you’re all doing…”
Even though his reply didn’t change from when he talked to his brother, his tone became sour, as he scrunched his nose, and weaker, like a crumpled paper that couldn’t get smoothed out no matter how one tried to press it. Qi Jing really wished his left hand hadn’t got injured so that he could use both his hands to hold the phone, as now, he didn’t know whether the uncontrollable trembling of his hands would end up in him dropping the phone.
The man on the other side of the call fell silent for about a dozen seconds.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
As expected, even their reply was the same. With the conversation going like this, they once again got stuck in a dead silence.
As expected, he would also hang up.
Qi Jing thought that he clearly didn’t breathe enough cold air before calling—he could feel the bone-chilling cold in his chest, making even his shoulders start to tremble. He tried his best to not let his voice sound out of control, “Fine… I got it.”
The other once again didn’t reply.
Qi Jing’s thumb hovered over the end call button, but during that moment, he still had no resolve to push it. Hurry up—he urged himself since that man was surely waiting for him to hang up.
But at that time, his father suddenly spoke once again, “Did something happen?”
Qi Jing was speechless.
At that time, the other party also hesitated, adding in a rather harsh voice, “Could it be that you got dumped by some man again?”
His father’s words were without doubt alluding to that case of him coming out of the closet for his ex, only for the other to choose to get married and start a family, tossing him aside to deal with the consequences. Those were clearly said to mock and hurt him, yet Qi Jing suddenly felt as if a huge stone fell off his heart.
He somehow felt like… he could deal with this kind of conversation.
“I’m terribly sorry to inform You that I’m just as stubborn in refusing to come back to my senses,” He said, even purposefully quoting his mother’s phrasing. When he mentioned Shen Yan, he also didn’t bother to cover the gratification in his voice, “What’s more… I met a man who’s very good to me, so we’re spending each day very normally.”
“Humpf.” The other party snorted coldly.
It was hard to tell if it was out of contempt, disappointment, or maybe surprise.
Another spell of long silence.
During that deep silence, the sound of music coming from father’s radio sounded even clearer—it was a very old piece, one Qi Jing used to hear a lot. The familiar notes seeped into his ears, as if someone was putting fragmented memories into his mind, making him vaguely remember the scenery he would see each time he woke up when he used to still live in that home.
At that time, his sister Qi Xi had just graduated and worked in their hometown. In the morning, she would help mother cook eggs and filter the soy milk, meanwhile he would dress up and go to get his Qi Zhe out of bed to eat a quick breakfast before catching the bus to high school together. Father would often sit on that old-school rattan chair in the living room, rocking back and forth as he tapped on the chair arms to the rhythm of the music.
He could even remember where the rocking chair used to be and what direction it faced, as well as the creaking sound it made as it rocked.
His lips parted slightly, and he said without thinking, “I don’t know why, but lately… I keep thinking of You.”
For example during that audition for “Emperor Chang”. He would subconsciously recollect the past, mimicking the drunken rage behaviour of his father in the past. The more realistic his acting became, the more it proved that his impression of his father was still deeply buried in some drawer at the bottom of his heart. And those days, he kept opening that drawer more and more.
“Probably because I was away for so long, although I can’t get back, I still keep remembering.”
No matter if it was father, or home.
After saying this, Qi Jing lowered his head in silence to think back of the way he spoke just now, hoping it didn’t sound shaky, hoping that his tone was not much different than usual. But the air was just too cold out there, he couldn’t help himself from sniffling.
The one on the other side of the call seemed to want to keep silent all the way through and didn’t say a thing in response.
After a while, Qi Jing took an initiative to leave that topic to avoid making both of them unable to retain a way out of that situation, “To be fair, I called today because I will be having an interview in a moment, so I wanted to practise a bit beforehand.”
“Practice? Six years as a reporter already, yet you really show no prospects.” It seemed like his father still remembered how long he was working for.
“That’s because the interviewee is a certain mother,” Qi Jing stopped for a moment, not sure whether it was wise to continue speaking, but he already made up his mind. He took a deep breath in and said slowly, “That mother, she&#k2026; abandoned her son in the past, so today I’m going to ask her a few questions in her son’s stead.”
Without waiting for the other party’s response, Qi Jing laughed self-mockingly after a short pause.
“I thought that if I can calmly face my parents who abandoned me, then I will surely be able to face her calmly as well—if I know what my parents think, then I would probably know what she thinks, too.”
The breathing on the other end of the call suddenly sped up, forecasting the incoming burst of rage.
Qi Jing’s fingers squeezed around the phone.
It was as if his heart had received a strike of a whip, leaving it thrashing around in his chest, its impact pressing him to give up—but it had been years since this pair of father and son got to talk up to this topic, so he had to steel himself up and persevere, resisting the urge to push that end call button on the screen.
The strange thing was, the other party actually wasn’t so quick to hang up.
As if it was a way to measure who could persevere longer—the atmosphere was tense with their emotions left just at the brink of exploding.
“Dad,” Qi Jing called him this already no longer familiar word, each of his words firm, “What do you think, as a parent… Why would one abandon their own flesh and blood? Leaving them outside with no home to come back to, alone and with no one to rely on?”
“That has to be because her son had done something wrong.” When his father answered, his heavy and rough breathing could be heard loud and clear in the speaker.
“No,” Qi Jing cut in harshly, “her son had done nothing wrong—he never did.”
The two of them fell into a deadlock.
After a long while, the other said icily, “Maybe it’s because her son didn’t realise that he had done something wrong.”
Hearing this, Qi Jing laughed coldly before pacing a few steps under the wall, only managing to restrain the outburst of emotions with much difficulty before he asked him back in a trembling voice, “…So one’s birth situation, one’s innate disposition is actually them doing something wrong?”
The person on the other end of the call seemed to have been stumped by his question and didn’t reply immediately.
But Qi Jing couldn’t stop.
“Dad, is it because I was born gay that I deserve to get into an accident? That I deserve to almost die in a car wreck? That I deserve to break two bones and stay alone in a hospital with no one to visit me? That in my most miserable moments, I deserve to be unable to go back to my home, only able to work ceaselessly alone, running about on business trips until I get numb, that I deserve it all?”
Having shouted out the questions he had suppressed for so many years, Qi Jing finally realised that he had lost control and gave a start as he got back to his senses, suddenly covered in a cold sweat.
“Pardon me,” He sighed quietly, apologising in a low voice, “…I strayed away from the topic of our conversation.”
What made even him surprised was that the call had yet to be ended, neither of them had hung up. If it was him from before those few months, he would have probably already ended the call. In other people’s eyes, he had always been a very warm and sanguine person, only he knew that he was in fact obstinate to the core.
Of course, his father also knew that.
“Hah…” Suddenly, he snickered bitterly.
“In fact, I know that having such an ‘abnormal’ son appear in your family made you lose your face.” He muttered numby into the speaker, “Even so long after Qi Xi’s marriage, she still never dared to mention me to her husband’s family. And little Zhe and I used to be so close, he used to follow me all day long, yet now he won’t even call me his brother. And as for You and mom…”
—You’d also rather never have had a son like me.
He wasn’t able to finish the sentence.
His throat tightened, unable to produce any sound.
Qi Jing’s gaze wandered absently on the ground before he looked up, staring at the lime wall before him. He suddenly thought that once one realised the height and width of a wall before them, standing under it would make them just so helpless. Even if he made up his mind to pass it, his resolve was simply not enough.
“Honestly, it doesn’t really matter what the reason was—what matters is that you don’t want to let me go back and that I already have no way of doing that.” Benumbed, he took a deep breath as he closed his eyes.
“That’s why in a while, during that interview, I don’t intend to implore that mother to acknowledge her son again or for them to reunite, because the harm has already been done and there’s no way of making it seem as if nothing happened anymore. Today, I just want to ask her what she is thinking now and if she had ever regretted abandoning her own flesh and blood at that time, that’s all.”
With this, he had already said everything he wanted to say.
“Thank you. After our conversation, I think that I more or less understood the thought process of such parents,” Qi Jing’s smile was dull, but his tone was very frank. His finger moved to the end call button as he said his goodbyes, “…Dad, I’m hanging up.”
But to his surprise, his father suddenly spoke to stop him from doing so, “Wait.”
Qi Jing was speechless—the thumb that was just about to touch the screen froze in place without pressing it.
Through the speaker, he heard his father’s weak coughing. He wasn’t young anymore and it seemed like his body wasn’t as healthy as in the past, so when he spoke, his voice coming from a throat ruined by years of smoking and drinking sounded especially hoarse, “After you’re finished with the interview, call me back… Tell me if she did.”
If she did…If she did regret it? Is that what he means?
Qi Jing was stupefied—this thought was even more startling for him than the fact that his father took initiative in asking him to make a second call home on the same day.
He blinked in confusion as he replied subconsciously, “…Okay.”
He didn’t even get to finish saying this as the monotonous sound of the ended call came from his phone. And he even still listened to it for quite a while before he slowly put it down.
At that time, the hospital wards were quite desolated. Since the mornings were the time of routine check-up patrols, the family members would be usually denied visits, and in the hallways, it was almost only the medical staff that could be seen going back and forth.
Fortunately, Qi Jing had done a report in the provincial hospital before and had come in contact with the administration, so with his identity as a TV reporter, the hospital administrators wouldn’t cause him any problems. Using the connections on this level to get into the hospital wards wasn’t much of a problem to him.
Without any effort, Qi Jing found the sick room the woman was staying in.
But the woman wasn’t in the room.
The nurse responsible for doing the rounds told him that the woman would often go alone to sit at some secluded corner and stare blankly at the window for two, three hours at the time, and that she would rarely interact with nurses or other patients.
“I’ve also never seen her family come to visit her.” The nurse said.
Qi Jing was taken aback, then laughed bitterly in his heart—Mama Shen, I didn’t expect you and me to have similar experiences.
“Good morning.” The woman was spacing out looking outside the window at the half-clear, half-murky sky when she suddenly heard a bright voice greeting her. Startled, she quickly turned her head.
There was almost no one coming through this area at that time, even nurses and doctors walking by were few and far between.
At that moment, there was only one young man standing quietly in the hallway.
The young man’s clothes were simple—a plain, neatly buttoned shirt, looking very intellectual, but also leisurely, seemingly quite comfortable at a glance. His face wouldn’t make one gasp at its sight, but his facial features appeared righteous and scholarly, and even his posture seemed urbane with his slightly curled up lips like an early morning sunshine.
Unfortunately, the broken left arm ruined the sight.
A sling secured the thick cast on his left arm by his waist and only his right arm was inserted into the coat sleeve, while on the left side, he just covered his shoulder with the coat.
Anyone who saw this disguise would know that his arm was broken, so it was a more than plausible excuse for him to appear in such a place at the hospital.
But the reason the woman instantly paled wasn’t because of that.
It was because she recognised this person—the day before, when she met Shen Yan, it was precisely this person he stood beside, so he was clearly with Shen Yan.
“Ah…” The woman’s face was completely white as she froze all over, sitting motionless in the same place like a block of stone.
“Auntie,” Of course, Qi Jing noticed that, but his face didn’t change as he kept smiling gently at her, “Such a coincidence, so Your room is also on this floor.”
Saying this, he didn’t give the woman any chance to stand up and live, taking the lead by pointing at the place at her side.
“I’ll take this seat if it’s not a problem?”
The woman appeared panicked and uneasy, but she couldn’t think of any reason to decline, so she only lowered her head slightly as she shifted a bit to the side away from Qi Jing. As he was taking a seat without any hurry, her pair of shoes kept rubbing against the floor uneasily, as if she was anxious to wear down the passage of time as quickly as possible.
On the surface, Qi Jing lowered his head to brush away the dust on the bench, but in reality, he kept observing her body language.
“Auntie,” He called her softly once again, “Have you eaten your breakfast already?”
The woman didn’t say anything, just shaking her head quickly.
“I can understand, the stuff from the cafeteria here really is unpalatable.” Qi Jing had personally experienced being hospitalised, so when he spoke, it really seemed as if he was still staying in this hospital.
The woman still didn’t say a thing.
Shen Yan and the nurse really weren’t lying, she didn’t like to interact, so making her talk with a complete stranger like him would be even more of a challenge.
At that time, Qi Jing lowered his eyes, then suddenly laughed weakly. Or rather than calling it a laugh, it would be more accurate to say that he sighed. Probably surprised by his laugh, the woman looked slightly sideways at him, only to see his desolate expression as he kept silently looking at the floor without a word, making her unconsciously keep gazing at him a while longer.
“Still… People like me, with no family to visit us, all we can do is to slowly eat up that vile food alone,” He said in a low voice, “Because aside from that, what else is there for us?”
Hearing this, the tightly gripped hand of the woman suddenly loosened, no longer gripping her own wrist.
Loosening her hand also meant she had loosened her stance.
If the fellow sufferers of the world could ever meet each other, then the hospital was the most probable place for that. Sympathy had always been the best key to open one’s mouth—
“Your… family doesn’t want to visit you?”
Hearing her first sentence she took the initiative to say, deep in Qi Jing’s eyes, something brightened a bit, but he covered it under a shadow so that the other didn’t notice.
“Mn,” He muffled in reply, even lifting his hand to rub his nose slightly, “I got into a car accident and broke both bones in my hand. The people at the place of the accident all told me it’s pure luck that I didn’t die… And now, I’m staying in the hospital alone, but none of my family members would visit me.”
“Car accident…” The woman’s face paled and her voice trembled slightly as she repeated after him.
It was apparent that for her, a car accident sounded like a terrible experience, moreover the injury Qi Jing had was very specific, making it even harder to believe that no one would visit him.
While she whispered with her head down, Qi Jing glanced at her.
As he observed, he also seamlessly added the most important information, “Even my parents… they won’t come.”
The woman shook suddenly, falling silent for a long time.
Qi Jing didn’t intend to continue speaking, as he had to wait. Wait for the woman to ask him the reason herself—
This really tested one’s patience—especially in a situation where he wasn’t sure if he really could make the other take an initiative to ask a question, such a wait was simply a kind of torture.
Fortunately, this torture didn’t go on for too long.
“Why?” The woman asked.
Her voice exposed the intense struggle in her heart, as it trembled minutely.
Qi Jing didn’t say anything, releasing a long breath.
After a long while, he finally spoke, his expression bland, “Because… They don’t want me. Many years ago, I got abandoned by my parents.”
A/N:
Honestly, compared to Shen papa and Shen mama… Qi Jing’s family appears more normal… =。= (what a terrifying comparison)
So, Shen mama, you know you’re talking with your in-law, right?!!
T/N:
Lucilla: Despite the stuff she has done, I can’t help but feel pity for Shen mama who clearly had problems with her own mental health…But I won’t enter the discourse about whether she should be forgiven though, it’s not for me to judge.
Whiteflare: Hurt people hurt people. Big sigh. Proud of QJ for making that call back home though. Blurting everything out in a rush and then pulling back and being super polite when apologising is so real.