Chapter 109
unedited
—Feels cold.
Shen Yan instinctively gripped his hand harder.
Qi Jing’s hand shook strongly, clearly scared.
Shen Yan could feel Qi Jing’s fingers straightening from the tension as he jerked his hand back—if it wasn’t for his hold, it would very likely hit the bottom of the table. Because of that, he furrowed his brows, not only not letting his hand go, but also keeping it strong in his hand.
In his life, too many people let go of Qi Jing.
That’s why, he would never become the next one to do so.
“Mom,” Shen Yan opened his mouth for the second time, intending to finish his previous, unfinished words, “Me and him are actually—”
【Me and him are actually lovers, not friends.】
Like the grey letters casted by an old-style movie projector, this sentence appeared suddenly in Qi Jing’s blank mind, clutching at his heart.
He had said this line before, many years ago.
The first time was when he came out to his family, when he said it to his parents, sister, and little brother.
The man who gave him courage to say this escaped after that. It was his own foolishness, he admitted that, and the wound was deep, but it wasn’t the most fatal one.
The most fatal wound was from how, after hearing him say that, his father slapped him brutally; from how his mother cried her eyes out, wailing; from how his sister lowered her gaze, at loss what to do and from his previously so close little brother and his expression full of disgust—he would never forget it in his life. He would also never forget the taste of hard rice and tears he had to force down as he stayed at the hospital after his accident.
Shen Yan’s family conditions weren’t good in the first place, and now he finally managed to talk with his mother normally, getting back that tiniest bit of “home”.
So someone like him, with no home to return… He really shouldn’t involve him again.
“Me and him actually met through work.”
Suddenly, Qi Jing cut into his words, finishing the sentence his way. Even though he felt Shen Yan’s hand tighten up a bit, he still continued without any change in his expression.
Even still with a smile.
“I was doing an interview about a certain topic and he was my main interviewee. At first, it was only a working relationship, but later, we got closer in private and realised that we get along very well, so that’s how we became actual friends.”
When the woman first heard Qi Jing explaining the details of them getting to know each other, she nodded her head in a sudden understanding.
“Was it an animal-related interview?”
“Mhm, it was about the rescue action for the abused animals and he was one of the rescuers—no matter if it’s for his medical skills or integrity, they’re both incredible.” Qi Jing smiled sincerely, he didn’t lie about this one, “In the future, I will record this programme and burn it on a DVD disc for You.”
“Going from meeting through work to being friends in private, you two really were brought together by fate…” The woman once again sighed with emotion.
“Haha.”
Qi Jing laughed while lowering his head to look at the bowl before him. His smile reflecting in the soup was a bit pale, but he tried his best to ignore it, as well as to cover it up enough to make the woman ignore it too. “It’s because You have a good son, he’s a very precious… friend.”
But Shen Yan couldn’t ignore that smile.
He listened to the end in silence, the furrow between his brows getting deeper and his expression solemn as he stared at Qi Jing.
Even without looking at him, Qi Jing knew that he wouldn’t let go of his hand, because even after struggling until that point, he didn’t manage to free even a single finger. Even the bones of his hand started to hurt because of him using too much force—but this kind of pain made Qi Jing feel just a bit better, the feelings in his heart both bitter and sweet.
His right knee slowly shifted over where the woman couldn’t see, bumping against Shen Yan’s knee, then stopping right by it, leaning there silently in a sort of guilty and pleading reliance.
At least this movement could make up a bit for his selfish action.
“Ah, I almost forgot from all this conversation with a guest,” The woman suddenly realised that the three pairs of chopsticks on the table hadn’t even been moved and hurriedly urged them to eat, “Eat up, no need to be courteous.”
“Eh…” Qi Jing was taken by surprise with her words.
At that moment, his right hand was being held by Shen Yan and he couldn’t use his right hand, so if he delayed taking the chopsticks for any longer, even if the woman didn’t realise anything by now, it wouldn’t take long for find it weird if it continued.
At that very moment, he really could experience what being on pins and needles meant—the pricking pain slowly went up his hand through his whole body, making it hard for him to sit confidently with his back straight. Guilty conscience—seems like that’s what it would be called, he smiled bitterly, helpless.
“Why are you two not eating?” As expected, with the two of them staying still, the woman stared at them at a loss.
“Shen Yan…” Qi Jing had to brace himself to warn him aloud.
But Shen Yan still held his hand tightly, not letting go, making him panic a bit, yet he didn’t have the heart to steel himself up and rip it out, so he just sat there on the stool, his face white.
At that time, Qi Jing’s phone suddenly started ringing loudly.
Maybe because it was too sudden, Shen Yan seemed to have been caught by a surprise and his grip was no longer this strong, so Qi Jing quickly took advantage of that to take back his hand.
While apologising wordlessly to Shen Yan, he quickly took out the phone to receive this timely call, “Hello?”
“Xiao Qi, it’s me.”
“Director.”
Hearing the News Channel’s director’s voice, Qi Jing breathed a sigh of relief&#k2014;if it was a work-related call, then he had an excuse to go out to take it. He looked covertly at Shen Yan&#k2014;he didn’t say anything, finally moving his gaze away from him&#k2014;and only then, he slowly sat up from his seat and said quietly, “I’m sorry, I will go out for a moment, you two eat first.”
After leaving the sick room, Qi Jing heaved a long sigh of relief, as if having shed a heavy burden, then found a remote area in a corner to stand while thanking the News Channel director, “Thank You Director, this call came just in a perfect moment.”
The director was still the same, the gossipy nature of a news worker didn’t change a single bit. “What happened? What situation was it just now, did you get caught on lunch with girlfriend A by girlfriend B?”
Qi Jing supported his forehead in silence.
…Director, You…
…Not to mention how Your imagination is too blown out of proportion—why am I a playboy in Your eyes…?
“What A, what B, I was just eating lunch with my elder and she asked a question I didn’t really know how to answer, that’s all.”
“Oh, a question from your elder… I get it, I get it.” The director’s thoughts probably went straight to the arranged date questions, his laugh straight up reminiscent of a cunning imp, “Approaching your thirties and still not married, so your family told you off?”
Having said so, he stopped for a moment, then added, as if to himself, “But it’s kinda a good thing that you’re unmarried…”
Hearing the director say this, Qi Jing was momentarily flabbergasted, “Why?”
When he was getting awards in the News Channel, the director was thinking very highly of him, following the principle of each keeping the best to their own, he would be very enthusiastic with introducing him to his XYZ relative’s daughter, some XYZ chief’s granddaughter, XYZ colleague’s niece… And so on, and so forth, all introduced by him under whatever excuse. Now, for him to say something out of his usual repertoire, it really made one uneasy.
The director was silent for three seconds.
The director would only make pauses like this when he had an important announcement to make. Qi Jing straightened his back instinctively, opting to lean against the wall, so as to prepare for the director saying some high-impact news and get some support first for safety.
As expected, what came was that classic opening.
“I have good news and bad news, which one do you want to hear first?”
Qi Jing was already mentally prepared, so he only took a deep breath before saying, resigned to his fate, “…Please tell me the bad one first.”
“Okay then,” The director went back to his serious tone. No matter what, bad news shouldn’t be said jokingly, especially since he knew Qi Jing’s personal goals very well and understood that the impact of this bad news would have a large impact on him. “Then I will say that outright—about the position of the second anchor “A look into society” segment, the higher-ups didn’t let that go through. I heard that it got blocked by the HR department, the reason being that you’re too young and lack necessary qualifications and experience.”
When Qi Jing, who was holding back his breath, heard this, his heart fell suddenly, finally dropping with a dull thump, heavy from the misery.
“He…” He laughed self-mockingly, wanting to appear a bit more at ease.
But no matter how he laughed, it didn’t become any easier.
After all, it was his life dream—to say that he didn’t feel dejected, that he didn’t care… It would be a lie.
“The HR department? I think I have an idea who blocked that.” He did his utmost to control his voice, so as not to let himself sound too miserable.
There was no lack of petty people in the company, but there was only one who would always go against him—Mr S.O.B., Mr Sun. Although he would end up at a disadvantage every time he tried to mock him, and was met with a poor end not a small amount of times, he was also the backbone of the HR department. His failure in getting a promotion this time was certainly thanks to him adding his two cents.
“It’s good if you know. There’s no way around it, if higher-ups don’t let it through, then we can’t do anything about it…”
“It doesn’t matter, I will continue to work on myself, trying my best to get the qualifications or whatever else is required for me to get promoted.” That’s right, aside from bettering himself and improving his connections, there was no shortcut he could use.
But he didn’t expect the director to smile at that time, selling him on the next big point on purpose, “Don’t be in such a hurry, there’s still the good news I haven’t told you yet?
Qi Jing really wanted to grumble downheartedly, “No matter how good it is, I’m in no mood to listen to it”, but thinking of how the director wanted to cheer him up out of his kindness, he still bit his tongue, forcing himself to pull the corners of his lips up. “Please tell me.”
“Although the plans for you getting the anchor position fell through, that city-wide vet clinic investigation item will still get a full sixty-minutes-long special episode in ‘Look into society’, this really is a huge honour. Also, they’re interested in letting you participate in on-air commentary.”
So that’s what it was about…
If that was this ‘good news’, then he was already more than certain of it. He had previously heard the rumours from his colleagues, even if it wasn’t one hundred percent guaranteed, he was at least ninety percent certain of it, so it was hardly a surprise. “Wouldn’t that all be thanks to You, Director, and the people in charge of ‘Look into society’? It’s You that I should thank for that.”
Maybe the director heard in Qi Jing’s tone how he wanted to conclude this call as quickly as possible, but he stopped him quickly, “Wait, wait! I still didn’t finish speaking—the day I was passing the outline of that item and the edited recordings to the people in charge of ‘Look into society’, there were visitors from Beijing. The president of CCTV was right there and caught sight of it, he later asked if it was your draft and even looked through the reportages you previously produced, saying that you have potential, that he took a liking to you.”
Qi Jing trembled faintly.
CCTV… Would that be… The national TV station?
The moment he realised that, his heart suddenly began to leap. He didn’t really know what the director was about to say.
“Xiao Qi,” What the director asked him was beyond his imagination, “I’m asking you, are you interested in an intership at CCTV?”
“Ah…”
Qi Jing instinctively opened his mouth wide, that “yes” almost coming out immediately. But he stopped himself just in time.
That sudden rush of joy dispersed quickly, like the strong wave receding after washing all over the shore, leaving only the cleared beach robbed of anything on it, there was no thought in his head when he came to his senses—only sense of loss as he stood there,
“Internship…” At last, he opened his mouth dumbly to ask, “At what position?”
“Video editor. It would require you to combine your experience as a reporter, as well as a certain degree of planning ability and creativity, and you would also have to communicate with the anchors a lot. What’s more, it’s the national TV station we’re speaking of, so with this internship on your CV, no matter if you come back to grow here or chose to stay in Beijing, there’s no way anything could stop you in your future requests for an anchor position!” The director talked on tirelessly, even more excited about it than Qi Jing himself.
Excellent opportunity, excellent position, excellent workplace—it seemed as if there was nothing to complain about.
If it was him from before, he would probably agree with no hesitation.
But…
“The internship period, how long would it be?” A month, three months, half or a whole year?
“I heard it would be three years… Aiya, it’s not that long, it will surely take time for you to gain the experience! It would be no good if it’s too short.” The director said matter-of-factly.
Three years?
His mind went a bit dumb, and without thinking much, he spat out, “I don’t want it.”
The director completely didn’t expect such a reaction from him and was thus shocked, “Xiao Qi, I thought that hearing this, you would be jumping from joy, yet you… Do you realise that other people wouldn’t even dare to dream of such a rare opportunity, but you actually want to let it pass? Even I want to curse your stupidity.”
Qi Jing’s hand holding the phone started to shake slightly, his heart in a disarray, an utter disarray.
Turns out that was what the director meant by that “it’s kinda a good thing that you’re unmarried”.
Clearly even the director understood that for the guys who already had their families, having to take care of their wives and children, such a choice would be very hard. If he were single, he wouldn’t have any reason to decline—but he wasn’t single anymore.
“I’m sorry.” Qi Jing apologised, heavy-hearted. He had no idea what else to say aside from an apology.
“In the end, what is it all about, why would you turn it down?” The director was a bit pushy as he spoke, most probably quite angry, thinking he wasn’t committed enough. “You’re obviously single, so you should venture outside to gain experience, aside from having to find an apartment, there should be nothing to worry about?”
Qi Jing changed his posture stiffly, his gaze wandering towards the door of the sick room. He said hoarsely, “Director, in fact… I have someone already.”
The director paused, his tone finally less agitated, “So you actually have a girlfriend ah, son? Is she from here?”
“Mhm…”
“What job?”
“A doctor.” He didn’t want to go into the details.
“A doctor, huh,” The director also seemed to be troubled by this situation. He didn’t say anything for a while, then sighed, making a proposition, “How about consulting with her, try asking her if she could transfer jobs as well?”
“I… really don’t think leaving is an option here.”
Qi Jing’s voice was getting smaller and smaller.
Here were the roots of Shen Yan’s grandpa who raised him, and so, here were also Shen Yan’s roots.
Here was where that old apartment was, full of memories, here were the alleys which remembered the course of Shen Yan growing up, his stable job, his nice colleagues. And above that, here was where they both met, both fell in love, and… here was the place they should both cherish.
Shen Yan belonged here.
And he belonged to Shen Yan.
【Please stay with me and accompany me to the end.】
Those slightly choked upon saying them words, they were etched in his heart, stored there, kept in the most precious compartment of his memory—he didn’t even dare to take them out, not to mention hurting them.
Qi Jing laughed quietly.
【I love you.】
I also love you. That’s why…
“I’m sorry, I can’t accept this opportunity.” It didn’t even matter if the sacrifices had to be made.
The director sighed heavily, vexxed.
But even with the conversation going to this point, he still grumbled, unresigned, “Ei, you better think it through, Xiao Qi. To be painfully blunt, it’s not really my way of doing things, but I’ve seen all kinds of characters in our line of work, heard plenty of stories too, and love these days really isn’t something irreplaceable. You can always find another girlfriend, but this kind of opportunity, you won’t get it the second time. You will regret that.”
Such a sure tone of voice.
Such a manly, realistic way of thinking—
Qi Jing’s gaze dropped as he lowered his head, smiling bitterly. He didn’t know if he would later regret abandoning his prospects for Shen Yan, but for now, he knew that if he were to abandon Shen Yan for his career… He would no doubt regret it.
“I already decided.” He said.
“You give it another thought.” The director cut him short, clearly very disappointed with a subordinate like him. Before hanging up, he said his last sentence, “Three days—after three days, you will give me another answer after thinking it through and I will then pass it to the people from CCTV.”
After the call got hanged, Qi Jing stood still in the corridor, as if he dropped his soul. A layer of cold sunlight passed through the four windows at the end of the corridor, etched stiffly onto the concrete floor, pulling a long, grey shadow from under his feet. Upset from looking at it, he took two steps away, but he soon realised that shadow is just a shadow, and no matter how far he went, he would never leave it.
Suddenly, Qi Jing felt that he had no strength left, so he squatted down by the wall. He tossed the phone on the floor and rubbed his face strongly, forcing himself to get a grip.
It didn’t matter, he still wasn’t even in his thirties, there would be other opportunities in the future.
It didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter…
He was just repeating that to himself, as if in self-hypnosis, when his phone on the floor rang—this time, it was the car dealer calling.
“Hello, is that Mr Qi?”
“Yes.”
“Hello Mr, it’s XX car dealership. The final price for the car You consulted us about got passed, we put together the down payment and dealer fee on the proposed bill and sent it to your mailbox. May I ask You to contact us soon after taking a look at it? This price for the car is limited-time, once it’s sold out it will be gone.” The dealer spared no efforts in getting him hooked on the offer.
“Can I ask for You to brief me on the payment plan?”
“Of course, these fees will include…”
The dealer started to list him the items of the estimated payment. Qi Jing was previously anticipating this evaluation, but hearing it now, he couldn’t muster any enthusiasm for it.
With his current reporter salary, it would be a bit hard to afford a good quality economy car alone.
He originally thought that he would be able to get the position as the anchor and waited impatiently for his income to get higher, and he expected the payment plan to be more affordable, but looking at it now, he would have to tighten his belt to get through with it. Shen Yan had just paid high bills for his mother’s surgery, so he wouldn’t even ask him for any financial support, it was neither appropriate nor what he wanted.
But what later?
Later, after going back to his job, would he return to the ceaseless rush about, with only a few days a month to spend at home between the work trips? With the regular work pattern of a reporter, his time with Shen Yan would only get more scarce—just thinking about it made him feel weary in his heart.
“Goddammit…”
He got swept by waves upon waves of negativity he rarely ever felt, momentarily feeling especially beaten. He couldn’t help but burry his head down, squatting by the wall in low spirits.
“Qi Jing.”
Suddenly, he heard Shen Yan’s voice passing through the corridor and raised his head up from surprise.
Shen Yan had just went out of the sickroom—seeing him in such position in the corner, his expression changed subtly and he came over in large strides.
Qi Jing didn’t want him to know about the content of his conversation with the director, and even less about how he was currently feeling, so he stood up hurriedly, wanting to pat off the dust from himself, to smile as if nothing had happened. But before the smile could even form, his knees suddenly went soft and he almost fell on the floor.
“Qi Jing!” Even Shen Yan’s voice was shaky.
Qi Jing reached his hands out reflexively, and his elbow was immediately caught by Shen Yan, who pulled him up. He finally managed to get steady on his feet in time, only his legs were just as numb and weak as before, half of his body slumping on Shen Yan’s chest, almost in a full embrace.
A whole scene of alarm.
Qi Jing gasped quickly a few times, only then coming back to his senses.
“I’m fine…” First, he assured the other man of his safety, then tried his best to deal with the aftermath, “I just squatted on the floor for too long, so when I stood up, I didn’t realise that my legs went numb. Doesn’t matter, I’ll be fine in a moment.”
The explanation was fair and reasonable, but it wasn’t the only thing about it.
The emotional factor was swiftly omitted by him.
Just as he was about to stand straight, Shen Yan suddenly tightened his hand around him, hugging him closely alongside giving him support.
Qi Jing was dumbstruck.
After a while, he blinked slowly, suppressing that feeling of being wronged that he didn’t know where it came from, so as to prevent it from spilling through other means.
In fact, the reasons for Shen Yan to hug him and for him to feel wronged weren’t the same, but who would care?
This sheer act was where the warmth came from.
Qi Jing only felt his heart hurt with this warmth. Without thinking, he instinctively did what anyone would do at a time like this, circling his hand around this person’s back to hug him. He was just about to rest his head on Shen Yan’s shoulder to rest for a bit, but he suddenly saw the woman standing at the entrance of the sick room.
T/N:
Lucilla: Sorry for the scuffed translation today, I was in a rush to TL this chapter before going on a trip ;;;; I will be away for the next update, so see you guys again in two weeks!