I think back to my childhood room in Chicago, I never really felt like it was my home. I never connected
with the city, or the people; my own mother … always on edge.
Sarah had been a force to be reckoned with, she was shy and small, and looked vulnerable. So, I
swooped in to protect her, in a way that I needed someone to protect me. Except, she wasn’t really that
vulnerable at all. She let me believe it, so that I had a purpose, a focus. That’s what I did … I fixed
things, helped others have better lives than me, organized things to make it all so safe and steady and
predictable. Much like my mother does for her homeless shelter patrons. I was trying to fool myself,
trying to detach myself from my own life. It’s why I excelled at my job, distancing my own needs and
emotions, and robotically taking control.
Is that what my mother does? Are we more alike than I care to admit?
Jake flipped the tables on me when he brought my own life, my own flaws, and insecurities into the
picture. He didn’t want a brainless PA to do his bidding, he wanted involvement from me. A two-way
friendship. To delve into my life and fix things, that others failed to do. This insane need in him to pry
and figure me out, like a kid with a toy. The first time someone took control of my problems and wanted
to hear them.
He is a child sometimes, hardly surprising that I posed as a challenge and an adventure. I was
probably the first young female to grace his presence who didn’t want to bed him, who hadn’t fallen at
his feet drooling. It was probably refreshing to not have a girl swooning demurely all the time. I was
real; we bonded as friends and got to know each other. Not posing a threat to one another at all and
catching me by surprise.
That’s how he got in, by being the one man I have ever met who didn’t want anything from me at all. He
didn’t desire me, he didn’t frighten me, his easy, laid back manner, forcing me out of my formal mode.
Always pushing the boundaries further into laxness.
I crossed the line, not him, I fell in love with him and in turn I gave him a free rein to chase me as
another conquest. He is a hot-blooded male, and that’s what he does. I removed the rules to our
friendship by kissing him, and opened a can of worms, sending us both spiraling into confusing,
blurring the lines of what we are, causing chaos between us. I only have myself to blame.
* * *
Marcus returns mid-afternoon, his short shift for the day over and offers to take us both for a late lunch,
which shocks me. The fight between them forgotten and replaced with giggles and hugs like it never
happened.
I still can’t warm to him, so decline the offer, aware Sarah’s eyes are on me. She’s asking me to give
him a chance, for her sake and I throw her a look which I hope conveys the message “baby steps”.
They finally leave, giving me head space to think. Time to figure out how I’ll face Jake at work on
Monday.
***
I’m tense as I sit in the office waiting for Jake, he hasn’t called or text me all weekend and I’ve been too
afraid to contact him. Apart from after our time on his boat, we’ve never gone this long with no contact
and it has me overly touchy and emotional. My nerves eating away at me. Already I’ve snapped at two
receptionists when coming through the floor to the office, for the smallest things.
I check my watch repeatedly.
When Rosalie takes up residence in her own area of the office outside of mine, I realize it’s after nine
and Jake still hasn’t shown up; he’s rarely late. I’m tense and on edge, and I’ve no idea what we’ll even
say to each other. All I’ve thought about all weekend is what we have done. How it felt to have him kiss
and touch me that way, what it felt like to let Jake have sex with me, and it brought me to tears over
and over.
Despite everything I thought when it first happened, I can’t deny that the memory is bittersweet. I felt
alive and cherished, sexy, and wanton, all in one go, and his touch is the only touch I can ever trust, the
only touch I ever want to feel.
Sarah has gotten to me, another long talk the next morning, turning my way of thinking. Showing me
that I haven’t anything to lose, and everything to gain. That my parents have set me up for insecurity
and worthlessness in my own mind. Fear of rejection and a warped version of life. She convinced me
that it is only in my head that I am not loveable. That only I am convinced I am not worthwhile enough
to be loved by Jake.
I’ve lingered over the memory so many times, I see it every time I close my eyes, remember how he
feels, smells, kisses, and I just want him to come in, so we can talk properly. I want to run into his arms
and have him take all this pain away. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I finally need to be
honest with him, about as much of my past as I can bear. I need to tell him that I’m scared about how I
feel about him, and I don’t know where it will lead. The chaos which goes on in my head when I seem
cold and distant. I need him to truly understand me.
I know one thing for certain after all of this … I love him hopelessly, and I need to tell him that.
Despite how he feels about me, his obsession with casual sex and a stream of women. I need to tell
him how I really feel. No matter the outcome. No matter his response. It’s expanding inside of me so
quickly now that I can identify it; I’ll self-implode. Sarah was right about that at least. I need to take a
chance and be brave. Give him the opportunity to tell me if there is hope.
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