It all happens so fast that it’s like a dream, the car sweeping past as I gaze out of the open door hazily,
distant enough to be a blur but close enough to see it turn this way. Headlights turning to blind me
painfully as the wailing of the house alarm becomes almost unbearable. My consciousness giving way
as the pulsing aches and ripples through my abdomen course along my legs and up my front, making
my jaw ache. The warmth between my legs causing my heart break and silent tears pour down my
face. I can no longer move or cry, immobilized and cradling her to me, begging her to stay. My head is
foggy as the ache starts to devour me slowly, like a wave of numbness moving in.
It’s just the two of us cocooned together in a safe little bubble of non-reality; together and holding on in
the hopes of coming out of this okay, of never being parted.
The blur is Giovanni running toward me, a dark expression of concern on his face and his familiar wide
shoulders, like Jake’s, grounding me. I focus on nothing but him and try to breathe as his face of safety
gets closer, relief sweeping through me as heavy fatigue takes me over.
Now Mathews’ face is close to mine, I must’ve closed my eyes for a moment. The nausea, dizziness,
and blurry vision heighten as my body raises up away from the cold hard ground. I don’t know what’s
happening anymore. Human warmth around me, the smell of distant aftershave and mixed voices.
Familiarity in some weird distant way.
“Emma! Emma.”
I hear my name but it’s far away … so far… my baby girl and I want to sleep. Yes, sleep and wake up in
Jake’s arms and his beautiful smile, that I call home.
* * *
My head aches so badly that I’m afraid to open my eyes, my throat stings and my whole leg is
throbbing. My abdomen feels of nothing, just cold calm numbness. I’m too hazy to experience any sort
of emotions inside me. Woozy and sick, disorientated, and I have no idea if I’m dreaming or dead. The
pain is too much for me to push through to open my eyes and my body feels so heavy and
unresponsive that I’m not even sure I can.
There’s a low gentle noise seeping into my thoughts, tenderly stirring emotions that I am trying so hard
to cling to. The sound is fading in and out of mind and every time I try to follow it, it seems to move
further away. I feel like I’m at one end of a long dark tunnel and everything else is all the way over
there, at the glimmer of light in the distance; if I move toward it I can hear it a little clearer.
I pull myself along the dark cold space, moving closer to the light in the far-off distance, straining to
listen and hope that if I do then my eyes will open and let me see where I am. The silence starts to
recede as I urge along toward the muffled noise, bringing it louder into my sub-conscious and the notes
vibrating around my brain. The faint melodic notes of a familiar song tugging me toward the light and
the warmth that now seems to be trailing across my cheek. Something so familiar and inviting, begging
me to turn toward it. Tiny notes of a song I know and the soft touch that I need with emotions
connected to memories that are fuzzy and just out of my grasp. I need to try harder.
I strain forward, the heaviness becoming tranquil, helping my mind stay tuned. I recognize the melody
instantly; the beautiful soft words of “Halo” coming through the haze toward me and a soft gentle breath
crosses my brow. Jake’s words, his songs; explaining to me how he feels in a way he thinks he never
can.
My emotions rush my heart at finding this small piece of joy in my dark prison. The familiar intoxicating
smell of his body and soul and the touch of his fingers across my lips as he tries to draw me out to the
light to be with him.
“Emma, bambino … I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. Come back to me, baby … Don’t
leave me, please …”
Jake! Jake, my sweet Jake. You’re here. You found me. I love you.
His low husky tone is wracked with anguish and pleading, reaching out to me, and I want to stretch out
and console his voice. I want to open my eyes and draw him into me. His voice is drowning in pain and
aching for me, and I try desperately to reach out toward him. My mind is too exhausted, it wants me to
go back into the darkness, but I won’t submit. I won’t leave him, he needs me. I can hear it in the pain
that tortures his voice. He needs me to make it all okay for him.
I did it, Jake. I fought him off, Ray was here at our house in our lives, but I fought him off and I won. I
did it for us, for you and our baby. He can’t hurt us anymore.
“I love you, Emma … I can’t do this without you, I’ll never survive. Please? I need you to try for me. Just
try to come back to us … I’ll never let you go and never let you out of my sight again.”
I’m trying, baby. I swear. I want to tell you everything. I want to be with you forever.
Jake’s soft voice pulling me upwards against the tide of heaviness that’s trying to consume me. His
hand, a graceful soft stroke of tenderness, runs across my face and I beg my sub-conscious to open
my eyes and tell him that I’m here. I’m trying so hard to be with him. Consumed with aching emotion
and overwhelming sadness at whatever this is, trying to keep us apart and I want to fight so hard; fight
for him and us. I feel like I’m stuck in a dream and I’m losing time every time the darkness draws me
back in.
I awaken to the flicker of light again, still trapped in
my tunnel and a song takes over, its volume increasing, and
his soft warm breath and gentle lips graze mine, starting my body with a jolt and a surge of energy. The
light comes closer and within grasp, so I beg for him to kiss
me again, to wake me from this nightmare properly.
It’s like I’m holding my breath waiting for another touch,
but his mouth moves away, the soft breath fading, along with his smell and I know the kiss isn’t enough.
I’m sliding backward, the darkness inviting me in, peaceful on my senses and helping my confused and
dazed mind recuperate.
“Emma, you need to open your eyes for Mamma. They said you can do it, so I know you can. You just
need to try to find us again.”
Sylvana.
Her soft feminine voice is so close that I can almost reach out and touch it. Her homely, welcoming
warm tone is waiting to embrace me as soon as I leave this darkness. But it just keeps clawing me
back and the moments feel like days, the seconds could be hours. There seems to be no concept of
time in my mind, just the changing of the music every time my sub-conscious brings me round from
another wave of enveloping darkness.
“Emma, you listen to me now…This is not on! You get your ass up and you wake up, you hear me.”
Leila … sweet feisty Leila, how much I love you.
Her haughty tone and fiery rasp are dampened by the soft crying through her voice, as her gentle tiny
fingers cup mine and I can smell her sweet, sweet perfume. The aroma sliding up my nostrils trying to
awaken all my senses.
“Move over, Leila, let me in. Emma, it’s Sarah, honey. Listen to me, they said if we talk to you that you
know … Maybe you’ll hear us. We love you. We are all right here with you.” There’s sniffling and the
shifting of bodies as the skin on my arm tingles with goosebumps at her tender stroke. “Don’t let that
bastard win, baby girl. Don’t let him take you from Jake … from us.”
I try so hard to just do something, say something or respond in some way but I can’t.
“Can I just be alone with her?” His broken voice comes through at me and I try again so hard to reach
for him, to will my voice to work. He needs to help me; I need his strength because I’m just too
exhausted to do this alone. I need him to draw me out from this place that holds me still and
motionless, suspended and floating like I’m drifting away on the water. I don’t want to be here anymore.
The music comes closer and louder, something new that makes my heart ache. The one song that is
always going to hold my heart. Bringing me back from another brief trip into oblivion. I have no idea
how long I go there for.
“Say you love me …” His voice is closer than the music and in perfect sync, his fingers are trailing my
face and he stops singing to lean in and breathe kisses across my closed eyes. Every touch and
caress is making it easier for me to move closer to where I want to be. I ache to end this darkness, so I
can feel him, and run my fingers across his mouth and jaw. I want to open my mouth and kiss his,
responding to his song in any way that I can. But I’m held captive and can’t find the strength I need to
pull me out of this, I need him to help me, like he always does.
I need you, Jake, please save me.
“Emma Anderson, you listen to me … I’m not going to sit back and watch you fucking sleep for the rest
of our lives, you hear me? Where is my PA Emma? She has way more sass than this, she wouldn’t lie
around like this doing nothing. Who else is going to kick my ass in gear when I’m misbehaving? If you
don’t wake up right now, I’m going to haul your ass up and make you.”
Jake’s forceful tone is almost a growl, full of emotion and tears and a bunch of aggression. He’s trying
to find me in here and he knows that the bossy, domineering asshole he can be always had a way of
giving me what I needed; even if it’s just to wake up and give him attitude back. I get a spike of
defiance in his non-gentle tone, yet a surge of deep hearted love at this version of him. “Listen, neonata
… No woman of mine is spending her life lounging in bed, letting everyone fall apart around her …
Enough is enough, it’s been days, Emma, now get up!” His tone deeper, huskier, and almost breaks.
His raw emotions are laced in every word he says, trying so hard to reach
me.
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