Chapter 370 – Essay
In the afternoon’s language class, we got back the essay we wrote in class yesterday.
The topic of the essay was ‘My Father/Mother’. Even the topics the teachers think of are more progressive and consider people like me who only have a single parent.
Although Ai ShuQiao’s story would be much more odd and interesting, there’s no way I could write about her.
Thus, this was how I started my essay:
“My father, Ye YuanFeng, is a noble man who’s detached from poor taste hobbies.”
You can’t say running an adults goods store is considered a poor taste because all we’re doing is helping lonely men and women in releasing their stress and reducing sex crimes. I think other than the police, we’re also partially responsible for keeping peace. I think it’s already good enough we’re not asking for payments from the government.
But the parents of my classmates should have normal jobs. Even a person who sells noodles is more impressive. (I’m not looking down on people who sell noodles. When I was in the third grade, one of the student’s parents sold noodles but they went to vacation in the Maldives every summer.)
Should I have to write about how my dad always conducts business honestly. For example, he would never substitute a Japanese AV vibrator motor with a Chinese one. Even all the complimentary gifts (lotion, condoms, etc…) he gave away were all quality goods with none of them past the expiry dates.
It would be way too embarrassing if I write that. In class 2-3, Xiao Qin and Eunuch Cao are probably the only ones who know what my family shop sells. The other students only heard my family runs an online store.
Besides, if the language teacher, old man Zhang, finds out, he would look down on me even more. He already looks down on me because of my ugly handwriting.
So I decided to freestyle, it’s actually one area I’m pretty good at in writing.
I raised my pencil and began to write:
“My father was the lead designer of the Shenzhou 10. The spaceship he designed has lasers, magnetic cannons, particle cannons, atomic cannons, etc…”
“The American government was scared witless, so they sent female spies into China to seduce my dad to handing over the secrets. But he was a noble man and rejected them, thus earning praise from his colleagues…”
“My dad single-handedly protected our country and he was crowned a captain like Li ShuangJiang. Now all our neighbours refer to my dad as general Ye…”
“So I’m general Ye’s son. If you don’t give me a good grade, I might end up doing something like Li TianYi…”
“Basically, my dad’s awesome. I’m already at the word count, so the end…”
Now that I look at it, the essay I wrote was a complete mess. I think I wasn’t in a good mood because I accidentally gave the bikini to the class leader. I wonder what kind of criticism I received.
I took a look and old man Zhang drew a big X at the end of my essay and said:
“All utter nonsense.”
“First of all, Zhang BoNan was the designer for the Shenzhou 10, it has nothing to do with your father.”
“Also, Li ShuangJiang isn’t even a general. China has never had a civil general, don’t believe everything you see online.”
Damn, why did you have to correct this many times in a 400 word essay?
I wasn’t sure if I was the only one who made up lies on the essay, but old man Zhang wanted us to go home and have our parents sign the essay.
Good thing I didn’t say my dad was superman. I mean it’s still bad I said he was the designer of the Shenzhou 10, but I think I could trick him into signing it.
I saw Xiao Qin also frowning, so I took a glance at her essay.
Surprisingly, the opening of the essay was:
“My dad is a famous actor…”
Huh, was Xiao Qin’s dad an actor? How come I didn’t know about it? But I have heard that Auntie Ren only became a martial arts instructor after getting married.
Maybe, unlike me, Xiao Qin’s parents still have a good relationship after getting married. But normally, shouldn’t she be writing about her life with her mother?
The next line said:
“My mother is a world-famous mangaka. Her penname is Celery sensei…”
Oh, so she wrote it from the perspective of our future child, not herself.
Although I don’t have any confidence in becoming a famous actor, but it’s still more possible than her becoming a world-famous mangaka. It looks like I would have to work hard or my family of three would starve.
“My father and mother are always very lovey-dovey. Regardless if they are in the kitchen cooking, watching TV on the sofa, or looking at the scenery on the balcony, they would always embrace each other. Then, I would get sent to my room to study, so I don’t know what they did next…”
Shit, are you saying I would be in heat 24/7 after getting married?
“Because I would frequently be sent to my room to study, I was able to finish a lot of books and graduate at 13…”
A child prodigy created due to the parents’ lewdness? I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
“One of my mother’s hobbies other than creating manga, is to bring me to the police station to find a woman with long black hair. She would make me call her auntie and ask ‘Class leader, when are you planning on getting married?'”
Trying to show off in front of the class leader? Looks like you let your true thoughts slip out in your imaginary world.
“Also, my dad pushed my mother down at the table. I had to go study halfway through the meal and I may end up getting a younger brother or sister…”
Is this how you teach your kids? What if it sets a bad example?
Ahhh, milk powder is already really expensive, it looks I have to work much harder. It was already hard enough raising a dog.
Wait why am I being distracted by her essay?
Old man Zhang’s comments were even more eye-catching:
“You need to get checked out.”
He’s pretty wise since he could instantly tell Xiao Qin is sick. I also support sending her to a research center to get proper treatment.
“Sigh.” Xiao Qin sighed, “It looks like I have to put the essay in my drawer time machine and hope my future mother will sign it…”
Do you have a time machine in your drawers. If you do, you should go back in time and tell your younger self to not bully yourself as much. That way, I wouldn’t have my current face and you might have a sliver of chance of becoming my wife.
Xiao Qin hung her head down the entire way home. She wasn’t sure how she would be scolded after her mom sees the essay.
It was easier for me to get my dad’s signature, but either my dad had to come home or I had to visit his hotel.
I decided to visit his hotel without giving him any notice. Firstly, it would be a good surprise. Secondly, it would be a sudden inspection to see if he’s been drinking a lot while I wasn’t around.
As I went home to grab some things, I noticed the black sunglasses Ai Mi gave me before.
According to Captain Guo SongTao’s analysis, the main issue of my scary face lies between my brows. I’m always used to knitting my brows, so it always looks like I’m angry. And my eyes seem to be always saying ‘death to those who offend me’.
That’s why if I cover my eyes with sunglasses, people might mistake me as a good person.
Since I don’t have anything important to do today, I might as well wear sunglasses outdoors and give it a try.
I was wearing my sunglasses, carrying my bag, and about to call a cab when a grandpa swayed towards me.
“Young man, do you know how to get to Pu Tai Nan road.”
Some… someone’s asking me for direction. A grandpa with a full head of white hair and a weak body didn’t avoid me, instead he asked me for directions.
Ever since I got my current appearance, no one has ever asked me for directions.
The only time was when an elementary schooler asked me directions to a net cafe when it was dark out. But he ended up kneeling down and begging for his life when he got a clearer look at my face.
It’s been at least two years since someone asked me for directions.
I can’t believe my current self would also be able to experience someone asking me for directions. I’m so touched that I started to cry.
The grandpa almost regained his youth as he jumped back when he saw tears streaming down my face.
From then onward, a weird love story about Pu Tai Nan road began to spread around Dong Shan city. It was how a young man would cry tears of sadness every time he hears the words Pu Tai Nan road…
What’s there to be sad about? There’s nothing on Pu Tai Nan road other than the pet hospital, a cafe, and a hotel.
Am I crying because I didn’t take the class leader to the hotel while she still had a favorable impression of me?
If I actually did that, I wouldn’t be forgiven if I cry, but I would for sure receive a bullet straight between my eyes.