‘‘What do you think it was then? To me, it was a fuck with a means to an end. I needed you quiet and
rational and it worked, get over it.’’ He sounds so cold it stabs me in the heart multiple times. Eyes the
palest grey and devoid of humanity, reminding me of the bastard that he really is, and it sobers my
insanity right up.
Aware there are eyes in this room and he’s right. I am making a complete fool of myself by practically
sobbing at his feet.
‘‘I won’t see you anymore, will I? You’re washing your hands of the problem and sending me anywhere
you won’t have to deal with me.’’ I sound broken and I feel worse, it’s like I can barely breathe.
‘‘Go upstairs and pack your shit. Mico is taking you to the airfield at seven.’’ Alexi brushes me off,
swiping my hand away that had still been clinging to his jacket like a lost child and I just burst out crying
irrationally.
‘’If you make me go then I’ll talk. I’ll tell about everything you do, I’ll go to the feds and fuck up your
life.’’ It's stupid desperation, a crazy woman’s attempt to cling on to someone who doesn’t want her and
it’s completely the wrong thing to say. I know as soon as it comes out of my mouth that I am completely
fucking stupid in every way.
Alexi spins on me in an angry flash, grabs me by the throat and walks me backwards at speed with so
much force I smash into the door of the nearest boudoir and almost wind myself. It’s fright more than
agony and I flail and grab his wrist as he pins me to the door with all the aggression of the monster I
know he can be.
‘’Do you forget who you’re threatening?’’ He snarls it right in my face so his breath fans my mouth and I
gulp, sobering my dramatics. I quiver under that hateful penetrating glare, trembling with fear.
‘‘One snap and I wouldn’t even miss you, so don’t push me and just take your chance to get the fuck
out of my life. Run as far away from me as you like because this time, you have my blessing.’’ It’s so
controlled and low. Deadly serious, that tone I have always been afraid of and that look in his eye he
had after he took care of that man in his office.
He’s a stone-cold killer and I should know better than to rage a war against him. I sob, not so much
from the force of his grip because he’s not really hurting me, choking slightly, but that’s clearly not his
goal. It’s more from the shock of his aggression and the cruel bite of his words in my face. Growling,
cold and hateful like he’s always been, I shouldn’t even be surprised.
‘‘I don’t want to go,’’ I whisper it weakly, pathetically feeble and considering what he is doing to me so
stupid. He just drops his hold on me, so I fall into a slump at his feet with the sudden release. My body
giving in completely.
‘’I don’t give a shit what you want. I want you gone. You have done nothing but cause me headaches
from day one, and I can’t deal with you anymore. You’re no fun anymore, London. This got pitiful and
boring.’’ He just looks like he means it and everything I had inside of me that was clinging to any tiny
hint of light, falls to ashes.
‘‘Why did you save me … any of those times?’’ Tears pour down my face as I sit on the floor looking up
at him brokenly, nothing left of me anymore, and I just want to know why he even bothered. Alexi looks
down at me with disdain across that face. Moves back so his foot isn’t touching me and just shakes his
head at the distasteful sight I make in front of him.
‘‘You had a use, now you don’t. That’s all it has ever been.’’ Alexi doesn’t wait for me to respond; he
turns and walks towards Joanne and takes her by the arm without looking back and possessively tugs
her away with him towards the main entrance. His new squeeze and plaything has no idea what is
coming her way.
‘’Alexi … how can you say that to me?’’ I call after him in one last-ditch attempt to appeal to that
softness somewhere inside of him. I don’t want to believe it was all an act. My crushing heart cannot
accept it, it hurts too much.
‘’Because it’s true. Stop overvaluing your worth to me. You’re nothing but a whore.’’ It’s like being shot
in the heart at close range, calling me that … labelling me as that again. He knows how to really wound
with very few words. I break down and just fall to the floor, my face eating carpet, but I don’t care.
All those years I endured so much. I held myself together through the worst kind of abuse and
depravity. I endured violence and broken bones more than once at the hands of people who were
supposed to care for me. I held my shit together when I got to America, living on the streets with no
money or shelter for months on end, starving and cold and getting sick from being dirty after my father
sent me running. I survived everything life has ever thrown at me and yet … One man!
One twist of fate that put me in his lap, and he has managed to destroy all of me with just his words.
Left sobbing on a club floor, and left to his minions to get rid of me. Throwing me out with the rubbish.
I can almost feel Mico’s pity as he loads my last case into the car and I stare numbly at the club in front
of me. Standing in the damp grey light of this back street, staring at everything I thought would hold me
captive for the rest of my life.
Alexi let me go, just like that, no more worth to him, no feeling, nothing. No longer obsessed with his
ownership of me, and I’m just a problem he wants rid of, so he’s sending me to be someone else’s
headache. I have no choice. As long as I still owe him money I am his to do with as he pleases.
He doesn’t want me, my body, or my presence anymore. I don’t have to be persuaded to go either. The
fact he left me sobbing on his club floor and walked away to let me, said it all. He is exactly who I
thought he was. A cold bastard that used me for his own ends, chewed me up and spat me out. He
does it to women every day of the week. I wasn’t special in any way,
Gino was completely wrong.
Joanne seems smug now, but I can guarantee she’s next. Sooner rather than later, she will be another
sobbing mess on that club floor, and she won’t be the last. I don’t even take any consolation from that
thought at all, I’m empty and just … done.
I get in the car as Mico’s phone rings; he closes the door on me and walks away to take the call. I’m left
sitting here numb and devoid of life. Staring at the back of my driver’s head while he delays the
inevitable with a dumb phone call.
My life once again being turned on its head to start somewhere else, somewhere new with a new wave
of strangers who will no doubt use me to some advantage that isn’t to benefit me in any way.
I know I look exactly how I feel. I didn’t bother to fix myself after I washed my face and brushed my hair.
Clothes wrinkled, face tear stained and limp red hair. I don’t care about anything, and my appearance
for once isn’t polished and primped to conceal all I feel. I am just losing everything I am.
I sit and stare at my own nails in my lap, hands laid loose and pale, like dead weights and just sit that
way to await my fate. I am so tired all the time and that stupid flu bug I could feel coming has my throat
rasping beyond my bout of tears, my glands swelling as I sit here in the lull of activity.
Mico wanders around the street for a few minutes talking before he comes back and opens my door.
‘’Change of plan, weather’s taken a turn and all planes have been grounded until further notice, we
have a storm brewing. I have to take you to an apartment Alexi has in the city until your flight is sorted.’’
And just when I thought my dark cloud of heavy depression couldn’t bear down on me any longer, there
is this.
‘‘Why can’t I just stay here until then?’’ I ask blankly, sick of being pushed around from pillar to post all
the time, and he hesitates. One thing I have learned about Mico these past few weeks is he’s not as
cold as his cousin, he has hints of a heart in there, and if I had to ever choose someone to feel an
inkling of affection for in my life, it would be him.
He also knows how to use his face from time to time to show an actual expression; maybe he could
give Alexi a few hints.
‘’Alexi will be using it tonight, now you have removed yourself.’’ He doesn’t need to spell it out, he
means to hole up and fuck someone in all his sadistic glory and I start to cry again, even though I didn’t
think my body had anymore tears to give.
I don’t care if two men are staring at me like I have two heads and I’m making them uncomfortable with
my female dramatics. I am done hiding my pain; it’s too big and all consuming. I don’t want to feel
anything for him anymore. I want to go back to the woman who viewed sex as a tool or a selfish
pleasure and could turn what he did to other women out of my head with disinterest.
I hate that he made me this way, turned it all on me, and now I cannot even imagine letting another
man ever touch me again. He’s ruined me for anyone else and he doesn’t even care. Just goes back to
his life, his fuck buddies and his apartment like I never existed.
Mico closes my door and goes to the front of the car to get in, handing me back some tissues when he
does and I take them with surprise, blinking through blurred damp vision at that face regarding me
softly.
‘‘Do yourself a favour; find a life that isn’t connected to him or us in any way. This world is not a place
for a woman, not without someone to take care of you, and it’s definitely not a place for a girl like you.
Get out while you can.’’ I just look at him with a heavy heart and still my tears, sobering up with some
real human treatment. Mico is a surprising source of it.
‘’Maybe you’re right; maybe I need a new game plan, a new outlook on what’s left of my life.’’ I lean
back when the car starts to move and will myself not to look at that building one more time with the
darkened windows that conceal what goes on inside. Even though I wonder if he’s up there somewhere
looking down.
I know he won’t be; why would he? That would imply I held some sort of feeling in that empty dark soul
of his and I don’t. He probably put me out of his mind the second he stopped looking at me.
He is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life and that is really saying something.
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