Sat alone in the bedroom as I pack everything I own with a complete lack of interest, I cannot help the
tears rolling down my face. Mico is in the other room making calls and figuring out where he is going to
put me from now on. Alexi didn’t come back and I gather one of the heated calls shortly after his
departure was him. Mico sounded enraged and left the building to finish his call, barely able to lower
his tone as he continued their argument.
The girl must have disappeared when Alexi got here as she has vanished into thin air and for that, I am
actually thankful. I don’t want anyone to see me sobbing and pathetic, like some poor battered woman
at the hands of a cold bastard and his words.
I just feel desolate and in pain. Alexi has cut me loose and I should be happy about it, but I am not. I
still harbour this dumb tiny little flicker that somewhere deep inside I mean something to him and as
toxic as we are, I love him. I can’t help or control how I feel about him.
Despite it all, he found a way to make me feel again. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree after
all, and I am exactly like my mother. Loving abusive controlling men who inflict pain in so many ways,
and still clinging to the wreckage like a drowning victim, praying for some little tinge of salvation.
Alexi doesn’t care about me. I am a plaything he likes to wound, and I can now free myself of his
torment. I just need to get my head and heart to catch up and work together to rid myself of this
disease.
This wasn’t what I imagined freedom would look like, but it’s a hell of a lot better than running and
surviving on my skills. I am so done with my old life and my old ways. This respite of not relying on
manipulations and seducing men to get by has been the breather I needed, to really see how miserable
I was and am as a person. Tired and weary and sick of running, fighting, every goddamn day just to
stay afloat. I can’t do this anymore.
The older I get the lonelier my life becomes, and I am starting to cringe with every male touch laid upon
my body, abhorring that my body is a vessel for them to use and own. Years of overcoming my scars
and internal battles to keep doing what I am good at, and it’s slowly unravelling. I don’t want to play
games and use my female wiles anymore, I don’t want to constantly look over my shoulder and run at
the drop of a hat. I don’t want to endure touches and perversions to scrape by.
I am exhausted and weary and even though I am only twenty-eight, I feel like I have lived a life twice
that long. I’m used goods and scarred deeply, so there is no chance of a happy ever after for someone
like me, but I can at least accept that life could be something else if I tried.
I never imagined I could ever fall for anyone and I guess this is Karma’s way of punishing me for my life
choices and decisions of my past. Making me fall for the devil himself and bringing with it a world of
pain and an inability to carry on as I did before. It hurts so much it’s like an aching tooth in every part of
my soul, and my chest is heavy with the weight of trying to breathe. The thought of never seeing him
again, never having reason to hear his voice, even if he is cruel and cold towards me, is killing me.
I jump, startled when Mico appears at the door and knocks gently to alert me to his presence. It’s open,
but I guess because I am sitting on the bed, slowly folding random pieces of underwear half-heartedly
while staring at nothing, he must assume I am fragile.
I guess I am, I’m still feeling poorly and running a temperature, still exhausted both physically and
mentally, sat like some deranged idiot who is leaking all her bodily fluids out of her face and down her
sodden top.
‘’I need to go sort out some fine details about where you will be staying and what you will be doing. You
can stay here tonight, and I will come by for you in the morning. You have my cell number if you need
me, just be ready for nine a.m. and I will pick you up.’’ He is trying to sound upbeat and smiling,
ignoring my obvious distress.
‘’Fine,’’ I answer so softly it is practically inaudible.
‘’Are you okay?’’ He surprises me with that question and I just throw on a mock smile through my tears.
‘‘Sure, maybe not right this second but I will be. I always am.’’ I shrug it off and wipe my nose on my
sleeve like a child. It’s times like this when he seems calm that I really see how much he shares of his
cousins DNA. Tall, broad, handsome and very clearly of Italian descent, dark hair and green eyes over
olive skin and if I wasn’t so enamoured with one sadistic prick from this bloodline I would see Mico’s
appeal.
He must be around his early thirties, like Alexi, yet he has a youthfulness about him when he smiles,
something else which seems to run in their family. The rare occasions Alexi actually smiled he had it
too and surprising dimples.
‘’You’re a warrior, nothing keeps you down does it?’’ He nods a smile at me, impressed maybe,
admiring a quality I doubt I possess. I have no choice but to keep going in life, it’s hardly a choice to be
this way.
‘’Why are you doing this?’’ I look at him forlornly, confused that he cares about me after everything. I
never did anything to try and earn it, but he does. If only it had been that simple when it came to Alexi!
Mico furrows his brow cutely and looks at the floor as though I have embarrassed him by asking.
‘’We are a funny breed, the Carreros. Even with what we are and what we do … some of us have an
ounce of decency and I hate to see women trapped by their circumstances in this world. Despite what
year this is, this is still very much a man’s world and you are a pawn being bounced around and used
with no value other than a toy. I want to help break you out and save you from a lifetime of misery,
Camilla. Alexi is not your hero ... he is so caught up in his own head that he cannot see past his
suspicion and mistrust, and he is aiming all his frustrations at you. I love my cousin but he can be a son
of a bitch sometimes. He won’t let any woman in and you are no exception, even if you do have an
effect on him on some level.’’ Mico shifts on his feet and looks defeated for a moment, his posture
sagging slightly, and it only fuels more tears.
I get what he is saying, he knows I have feelings for Alexi, and he knows like I do, they mean nothing to
him.
‘‘I never wanted to fall for him you know? It wasn’t part of the plan.’’ I don’t know why I am telling him
this. I guess I just need someone to tell, someone to talk to. Something I have never had in my life—
that longing for just one friend.
‘’Alexi has that way about him and women seem to fall at his feet no matter how he treats them. I wish I
could say you were unique, but the sad truth is a lot of women have fallen in his wake and cried
themselves sick. You deserve someone who treats you well and a new life away from all this shit.
Someone to really save you from the horror of it all. Alexi won’t.’’ That’s a statement I already knew but
didn’t have the strength to hear someone else say, and it wounds me to the core. More tears fill my
vision more intensely and I brush them away.
‘‘I don’t need a hero Mico, I need to stop following the same path in life that leads me to men like Alexi.
I need to work on being my own saviour and make smarter choices, and I need to stop putting myself in
shitty circumstances.’’
Isn’t that the truth!
I once heard someone say ‘’People are like water, they find their own level and attract like.’’ I guess
because I am trash and I deserve the shit I endure, this is maybe where I belong. Mico smiles sadly.
‘’I think that’s part of what gets under his skin … You are a survivor, tough and resilient. You bounce
back from the worst shit and don’t take much lying down. It makes him feel like he has no control over
you, and it makes you unpredictable. You are also the first woman, who isn't blood, that has ever had
the balls to repeatedly defy him. He doesn’t know how to take that from mere playthings.’’ A
compliment maybe, or just an observation. It’s the sad reality and it bites.
He smiles affectionately and for a brief second I feel a moment of warmth. I guess this is the first time
in my life I have someone even close to being genuine.
Well Sophie, I guess. She tried, but I made sure I didn’t ever let it reciprocate, and yet, in the end, she
acted like a true friend when she saved my arse. I treated her appallingly and cruelly and it has
followed me like a bad smell, eating at my conscience even though it’s not something I ever battled
with in my past. Guilt was alien to me until her. Since Sophie, I just feel like I am slowly losing the icy
wall of indifference and my stupid emotions are all over the place. Maybe it’s not Sophie … maybe it’s
because King Carrero swooped in right from that moment and it’s because of him my emotions have
been crazily out of control ever since. He infected me in the worst kind of ways. Damn the Carrero
bloodline.
‘‘I guess we are just not compatible like you said, we bring out the worst in one another, right?’’ It’s said
to remind myself more than looking for his agreement and as we both nod, he moves to go.
‘’9 a.m … Be ready for a new chapter. I’ll try and put you someplace that gives you a chance. The rest
will be on you.’’
‘‘Mico …’’ I call after him, wiping my face again and he pauses to look back. ‘‘Thank you.’’ It’s heartfelt
and emotional. It’s all I manage to get out as my throat closes up with emotion and almost chokes me.
Mico smiles softly, getting how much I mean it before he slides out and leaves me to myself and my
woes.
After I am done packing and I am all alone in Alexi’s apartment I wander around aimlessly trying to find
something to pass away the hours I have left here. I am cried out and empty, feeling listless and raw
and just hoping I can distract myself from all that I feel right now. It’s raining out, overcast, grey and
cold. It is barely mid-afternoon, and I have nothing to watch or read that will hold my interest. How can
it when my head has one image and one thought.
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