Chapter 174 - President Xie Teaches You How to Love Someone
Translated by Eve
Edited by Serefina
17. President Xie Teaches You How to Love Someone
Xiao Yan stared at the shattered jade pendant on the floor and met with Xie He’s icy gaze. Every part of his body stiffened…. Before, even though he had hurt Xie He so badly, Xie He had only ever feared him. He just hadn’t trusted him. He had never looked so…cold…like he was looking at someone he hated….
At this moment, he suddenly understood that he had truly lost this person.
Xie He stared at Xiao Yan. He used all his strength to slowly say, “Your Highness, please never appear before me again.”
He then grabbed his walking stick and slowly stood up, heading outside with strained movements.
If it were the past, Xiao Yan would have gone over to support him. But right now, standing there, he realized that he could not lift his feet. Xie He’s icy words had been like a knife, inflicting a death by a thousand cuts upon him. They told him that he was completely undeserving of forgiveness….
And he had no right to ask for forgiveness.
In the end, Xiao Yan could only watch as Xie He passed him and left. In the end, he was the only one left in the room.
He stood there, motionless, for a long time. He then slowly bent down and started to gather up the pieces of broken jade. The sharp shards sliced his palm but he remained unfazed. He held them tightly, blood flowing through the cracks between his fingers. The pain reminded him of the cruel reality he had to face.
There was no such thing as a secret that could be hidden forever. Xiao Yan had always known this. He was not someone who believed that he could get by with luck. It was just that…just once…because he had been too afraid of losing Xie He, he had lost himself in that unrealistic, futile hope….
But in the end, everything had been exposed.
Xie He walked towards the gate, numbed. When he almost reached the gate, he was stopped by the servants. He could go anywhere in the wangfu. He just couldn’t go outside.
He did not fight back or scream. He didn’t even show any emotion. He only walked back calmly and returned to his room.
Xie He sat on his bed and shut his eyes. All the unforgettable memories were pulled out from the dusty recesses of his mind. He recalled his scholarly father, and his gentle, virtuous mother. They had both loved him so much. Likewise, they had also been the ones he had loved and respected the most.
In the beginning, when he had been first sold to the brothels, he had blamed them. Why did they have to commit these crimes? Why had they abandoned him so heartlessly, and made him pay for their sins alone?
Back then, he had felt confused.
Later on, when Xiao Yan had told him that his father had been innocent and that his parents had been murdered, Xie He, who had already endured so many years of torture and suffering, couldn’t even conjure up any hatred or indignation towards the Crown Prince. He had just been happy that he had been able to hear this in his lifetime. He had already been satisfied.
He could not go back in time, but at least he did not have to die with any regrets. At the very least, he could see his parents smile at him in his dreams.
He hadn’t wished for much…. But now someone was telling him that it had actually been all his fault.
If it weren’t for him, his parents wouldn’t have died. His father would not have had to carry a blackened name. He would not have ended up in a brothel and become a courtesan at the lowest rungs of society….
“Father, Mother, I’m sorry….” Xie He mumbled to himself, a flash of determination flitting through his eyes.
He had actually always known that the greedy person who was willing to bend the law and slaughter the innocent had been the Crown Prince and not Xiao Yan. Xiao Yan hadn’t known that all of this had happened. He had even taken revenge for him, so he couldn’t blame Xiao Yan…. Actually, he hated himself the most. He hated that he had been the cause of his parents death. He hated himself for having turned out this way….
But even so…he could not accept Xiao Yan.
Because the other would always remind him of his own mistakes.
He finally understood why he had to bear these charges. He had indeed deserved it.
Xie He laughed. He picked up the teacup next to him and smashed it against the ground. He then picked up a shard and slit his own wrists.
Should he stay here and trample over his parents’ corpses as he became Xiao Yan’s princess-consort and enjoyed a life of luxury while pretending nothing had happened?
No…he didn’t want that.
He should die. If his parents were watching him in Heaven and saw him act that shamelessly, just how disappointed would they be…?
Xie He threw the shard out of his hand. Blood flowed out from his cut and he lay there calmly on the bed. He closed the curtains and shut his eyes, expression calm.
【444：Ah, ah, ah, ha, Host dada what are you doing, ah! QAQ】
【Xie He：Baby, what are you getting so agitated over? I just slit my wrists a bit. I won’t die within such a short amount of time. But the effect a bloody bed will have will be great. Xiao Xiao’s heart will definitely ache. Smile.JPG】
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【444：But why do you have to do that? I thought that you were going to marry him…._(:зゝ∠)_】
【Xie He：Baby, you don’t understand. When a man feels guilty for having lied and concealed things from you, he’ll work twice as hard to treat you well. This is because he’ll feel like he has to make things up to you. And Xiao Xiao did do his best to be good to me. However, if I were to become his princess-consort like he wishes, the last two Favourability Value will take a long time to gain. I’ve always been a person who valued efficiency. I have no interest in pretending to be a lovey-dovey couple with him for the sake of these two Favourability points. The quickest method is to expose his lies and force him to face reality. I need him to dispose himself of his wishful thinking and make a decision. It’s time for him to learn how to meet the bleak side of life head-on. 🙂 】
【444：So what will he do? QAQ】
【Xie He：Mix it with sauce and serve it cold.】
【444：……】
&#k3010;Xie He&#kUU1J;I’m joking. Except for letting me go, what else can he do? Watch me die? Baby, you really need to use your brain more. Smile.JPG&#k3011;
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【Xie He：Therefore, it’s clear that every relationship needs to have up and downs to be interesting. Xiao Yan only has to let me leave the wangfu and the Crown Prince’s people will have a chance to make a comeback. They went to painstaking lengths to give Song Heng this information so that he would incite disharmony between myself and Xiao Yan. I definitely won’t disappoint them. Although I’ve only heard of the Crown Prince here and there, he’s still an excellent, very cooperative helper gong. Although we’ve never met, we’ve been friends in spirit for so long. I’m very grateful towards him. 🙂 】
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&#k3010;Xie He&#kUU1J;Mn, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep for a bit first.&#k3011;
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When Xiao Yan returned to his study, he pulled out the decorated box. He carefully washed the pieces of the jade pendant clean and then carefully placed each one into the box, assembling it together.
He stared at the deep cracks in the jade pendant. The scene of it smashing onto the ground appeared in his mind again.
Not only had the jade pendant fragmented, so had the last tie he had had with Xie He…. There was no way to fix this.
Xiao Yan was told that Xie He had tried to leave the wangfu but had been stopped. The report said that Xie He had then returned on his own. Xiao Yan’s heart felt heavy.
He recalled the last words Xie He had uttered to him. The other had said that he didn’t want to see Xiao Yan appear before him ever again.
Xiao Yan knew that Xie He would never forgive him….
Xiao Yan sat there for a long time, motionless. He was like a statue. When night fell, someone came to ask Xiao Yan for instructions. They told him that Xie He had had locked himself in his room and would not answer anyone’s calls. He wouldn’t even eat. They didn’t dare enter without permission. Therefore, they didn’t know what they should do.
Xiao Yan finally turned to look at this person. He was silent for a long time before he moved his stiff body to stand. In a low voice, he said, “I’ll go see him.”
Xie He’s door was shut tight and it was silent inside. Xiao Yan quietly pushed the door open and walked in with heavy steps, his jaw clenched tightly.
Xiao Yan passed around the screen and saw that the curtain around the bed had been pulled shut. His gaze shifted down and his expression changed dramatically. He pulled the curtain open at once and what he saw caused his pupils to constrict and his hands to shake.
Xie He was lying on the bed, expression peaceful. His left hand laid next to him and red blood stained the bed. The blood looked like a blooming peony, complementing his beautiful, exquisite face. There was a certain beauty to it—a beauty that would make one fall to one’s knees in respect.
Xiao Yan quickly tore his sleeve off and tied Xie He’s wrist. He shouted sternly, “Someone, call for an imperial doctor!”
He stood beside the bed, caressing Xie He’s face with trembling hands. His action was very soft, as if he was afraid that even the slightest force would cause the person before to disappear…. This is how much you don’t want to stay by my side? You’d rather commit suicide than see me for a second more?
In your eyes, I’m the source of your tragedy….
I’m sorry. Wake up. I’ll let you leave, okay?
Pain and struggle filled his eyes. He had never loved someone like this before in his life. And this someone was someone he would never have.
He clenched his fists tightly. The yet-to-heal wounds on his palms reopened. Just as he was about to fall into despair, the imperial doctor finally arrived.
That imperial doctor looked at Xiao Yan’s bleeding hand, and then looked at Xie He, who was lying in a pool of blood. He did not bother with courtesies and went to examine Xie He’s condition. If Xie He died today, His Highness might just take his anger out on him!
It sounded like an honour to treat these noble people as an Imperial Physician. However, he always felt like he was walking on thin ice. Who knew when he might end up provoking one of them and end up sentenced to death?
The imperial doctor pulled out his own medicinal chest and used acupuncture on Xie He to staunch the blood flow. He then carefully examined him again before confirming that Xie He’s life was not in danger. Although he had lost too much blood, he had been discovered in time. Fortunately, they would be able to save him.
The imperial doctor wiped the cold sweat from his forehead and said to Xiao Yan, “Your Highness need not worry. Gongzi is fine now. He just lost a bit too much blood and will need to be nursed back to health.”
When Xiao Yan heard this, his nerves finally settled. Regardless of anything else, at least Xie He was still alive.
As long as he was alive, it didn’t matter if Xie He was by his side….
Even if Xiao Yan didn’t want to let go, he had to.
………………………………
When Xie He woke up, he found himself in Xiao Yan’s arms. He pushed against the other’s chest lightly, eyes cold.
Xiao Yan had been in a light sleep. He woke up at once. Meeting with Xie He’s cold gaze, his heart filled with pain. Things had already reached such a point, there was no use in continuing to deceive himself. In the end, all he said was, “You woke up.”
Xie He didn’t pay him any attention. He looked away and struggled, trying to escape Xiao Yan’s side.
Xiao Yan didn’t stop him. He only said, “I’ll let you leave.”
Xie He stopped moving.
From now on, as long as you can live well, regardless of whether you’re my wife or even just by my side, what does it matter? I just want you to be alive…. If I can only keep you here as a corpse, then I’d rather choose to let you go.
【Ding, the target Xiao Yan’s Favourability Value +1. The current Favourability Value is 99.】
Xiao Yan reached out to support Xie He up gently. His expression was gentle and his voice was hoarse. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you leave now. I’ve already prepared the place where you will stay. It’s very far from the wangfu. You don’t have to worry about seeing me.”
Xie He’s eyelashes trembled. Ripples of emotion finally emerged in his eyes.
Xiao Yan slowly said, “But your body isn’t well right now. I’ve assigned several servants to wait on you. Do not reject this. Treat it as my compensation for you…. Their contracts have been transferred to you. From now on, they only belong to you.”
Xie He was silent but he did not decline in the end. He knew that a few servants were nothing to Xiao Yan. If he were to refuse, Xiao Yan might change his mind. It may only serve to complicate things. Therefore, there was no need to bicker over this.
Xiao Yan saw that Xie He seemed to have accepted this and stopped speaking. He did not prepare too much, just a few chests and a few servants. Most of it was gold, silver and medicine. Xie He’s body was unwell. In the future, when he was no longer in the wangfu, he’d have to take proper care of himself.
He personally took Xie He to the sedan chair and then watched as he disappeared from his sight. He did not follow.
He just…stood there in place for a long time, not leaving.
Xie He sat on the sedan chair. He did not look outside. His gaze was that of indifference. A long time later, the sedan chair stopped and a servant girl respectfully helped Xie He off.
Xie He looked up and saw the board atop of the large mahogany gate. There were two words that had been written on it in a bold, powerful script: Cui Residence.
He stared at those two words and his eyes turned watery.
He had finally left the wangfu as he had wished. He had finally gotten his freedom, as he had wished. He was even given back a ‘Cui Residence’. It was like he had gone back in time to when his parents had still been alive. However, there was only him in this Cui Residence….
Things have remained the same but people have changed.
Xie He entered the courtyard. It was not particularly spacious inside, but the house was clean and the decor was elegant.
For the next while, Xie He lived here, never stepping foot outside the residence. There were quite a number of people in the Capital that knew him. Many hedonistic sons of the rich had been his clients before. Even though he was given back his original name and was once again a proper citizen, in other people’s eyes, he was still the renowned, most popular courtesan of the Xunhuan House. He would only be ridiculed.
His father was a noble and virtuous person. If he knew he had a son who had provided sexual services, he would probably never be able to face his ancestors again.
Xiao Yan did not go see Xie He, as promised. He understood Xie He’s feelings. Whenever Xie He saw Xiao Yan, he would recall all the ordeals he had gone through. Because he had saved someone with good intentions, he had been dragged into a political struggle. His family had been ruined and he had ended up sold to the brothels. How could he accept this…?
Although Xiao Yan didn’t visit, he kept an eye on everything Xie He did. He carefully paid attention to the secret reports his subordinates gave him. How much Xie He ate, what medicine he used, how many hours he slept, whether he was startled awake at night, whether he said anything that day….
He could only imagine Xie He in his mind through these few lines of words and pretend that he was still by his side.
…………………………
Xie He did not see Xiao Yan again. However, one day, his home welcomed another guest: Qi Qing.
Back then, Qi Qing had taken a risk to sneak Song Heng into the wangfu to tell Xie He the truth. Xiao Yan had been so angry. Qi Qing had thought that Xiao Yan would kill him, but he hadn’t…. In the end, all Xiao Yan did was expel him from the wangfu.
Qi Qing knew that the reason he was alive was that Xiao Yan valued Xie He. Even if Xie He wouldn’t know of it, Xiao Yan didn’t want to do anything else that would upset or disappoint him.
When Qi Qing came over, Xie He had only just woken up. He didn’t seem particularly surprised. “Qi daren,” he said in a soft voice.
Xie He looked very calm but Qi Qing could see the exhaustion in his eyes. Although he was still very young, he had experienced more ordeals than any of them. Pain took up the majority of his short life. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.
Back then, Qi Qing had told Xie He the truth out of a moment of impulsiveness. Later on, when he heard that Xie He had attempted suicide, he regretted it terribly. He had thought that if he didn’t tell Xie He then, and he were to find out later, he would be unable to accept it. He had thought that the other would fall apart. But…the other was just as upset, knowing the truth now.
It was just a matter of whether he suffered now or later.
Qi Qing was silent for a while and said, “I…no longer work for the wangfu. I only came here to check up on you, as it was on the way. If you need any assistance in the future, do not forget about me. I am your friend.”
Xie He paused and then said, “OK.”
Qi Qing added, “I do not live far from you. If you have the time, you can come visit.”
The two of them spoke for a while, as if they were normal friends. They both knew that there could never be anything between them. Xie He could not accept anyone else so easily and Qi Qing would not take advantage of the other while he was at his weakest. He would not disturb Xie He’s peaceful life.
Qi Qing did not stay long. In the end, he cast one last glance at Xie He, his gaze filled with emotion. “Then, I shall be heading out.”
Xie He stood up and watched him leave. When Qi Qing nearly passed through the gate, he quietly said, “Do not blame yourself. I am very grateful that you told me the truth.”
Qi Qing froze for a moment. He then nodded and left.
He walked for a long time before he stopped. He was afraid that if he were to turn back, Xie He would be able to see his reluctance to leave. He knew that Xie He didn’t want his love.
Actually, he was the one who should have thanked Xie He, thanked him for his consideration and gentleness.
Although they could not be together, Xie He would always be the only person he had ever wanted to protect with everything he had.
【Ding, Qi Qing’s Favourability Value +5. The current Favourability Value is 100.】
Xie He returned to his room and shut the door. He then lazed on his bed.
【Xie He：Xiao Qing’s Favourability Value is full. It’s time to go on a sudden adventure. Smile.JPG】
【444：(⊙v⊙) Mn. What do you plan on doing with Xiao Yan’s Favourability Value?】
【Xie He：Baby, I prepared all this for the sake of maxing out his points. I’ve spent so much time shut inside, I feel like I’m about to get moldy. How can I continue to get Favourability points if I don’t give him a chance to interact with me?】
【Xie He：I think the remnants of the Crown Prince’s faction are getting impatient. They know how important I am to Xiao Yan. They will definitely wrack their brains to get their hands on me. After all, it’s very difficult to directly dispose of Xiao Yan. I’ve already made preparations to appear at their door. 🙂 】
【444：……】
………………………………
The day after Qi Qing’s visit, Xie He called for his housekeeper and said that he wanted to leave the Capital and go to Jiangzhou.
The housekeeper was shocked and tried to convince Xie He not to go but Xie He would not budge. The housekeeper could only pack things up according to Xie He’s request and quickly send a secret letter to Xiao Yan.
Xie He didn’t care about what his servants were doing behind his back. He just didn’t want to stay here in this heartbreaking place. He wanted to leave this place, leave these things he did not want to recall. He wanted to go back to where his parents were. He missed them. He was just worried that his parents wouldn’t want to see him.
They did not have a lot and thus finished packing quickly. The housekeeper was worried about Xie He suffering from bumps on the road so he prepared a very comfortable horse-drawn carriage. He helped Xie He into the carriage and they set out before dawn.
Xiao Yan followed after on horseback far behind. He had received this information a while ago but he did not stop Xie He. It had been so difficult for Xie He to regain peace in his life. Xiao Yan wanted to do everything in his power to protect him. He could not destroy Xie He’s life again out of selfishness. But he really could not let go and did not feel assured letting Xie He leave alone either. Therefore, he followed from behind like an escort.
Xie He’s body was weak so they could not travel very quickly. They did not reach a post in time, so they had no choice but to camp out in the middle of the mountain for the night.
Xiao Yan had not laid eyes on Xie He for a long time. He stood far away, staring at him, gaze unwavering.
The beautiful, frail youth was helped down from the carriage by a servant. He seemed to have gotten much thinner in the time since Xiao Yan had last seen him. Did the servants take good care of him…? Because the night was slightly chilly, the youth was bundled up in a thick fur coat. However, his face still paled from the cold. Xiao Yan really wanted to hug him, but if he were to go over, it would only upset Xie He. It would only cause the other to recall painful memories…. Therefore, he endured.
Xiao Yan stood there and watched Xie He that night. Because he was afraid that he would be discovered, he did not light a fire. The subordinates behind him did not dare make a sound. Luckily, they were all robust imperial guards and would not catch a cold from the chill.
Xiao Yan followed Xie He like this for three days. Finally, his guard coulds not help but try to persuade him. “Your Highness, we should go back. You’ve been gone for a long time.” The situation in the Capital was not steady right now. The remnants of the Crown Prince’s faction were still fighting desperately. Xiao Yan could not leave his post.
Xiao Yan also knew that he should go back. After escorting Xie He so far, it should be alright. It was just that, when he thought that he would not be able to see his beloved for a long time from now on, or even receive letters about him—he’d have to wait many days to receive them—how could he bear to leave?
One day, Xie He’s party passed through a forest when suddenly, the ground in front of them sank. The horse whinnied and a group of fierce-looking bandits rushed out with swords! Xie He’s servants were all trained in martial arts, but the other party had an advantage in numbers. Very quickly, they were all slaughtered!
Xie He pushed the curtain open and saw the housekeeper, who had taken care of him all this time, get stabbed through the chest! In his dying moments, the housekeeper widened his eyes and said, “Gongzi, quickly escape!”
Xie He took in the tragic scene before his eyes, his body trembling. There was grief and indignation in his eyes. Although they were people Xiao Yan had given him, they had always taken very diligent care of him, especially the housekeeper. The housekeeper had taken care of him like a senior would. Now, they were fighting to their deaths to protect him, only to end up slaughtered. Xie He watched as each servant fell and he became so angry his eyes nearly popped out of his sockets. Right then, the sorrow overcame his fear and he shouted, “Who are you people?!”
The leader’s sinister gaze fell on Xie He and he smiled coldly. “Grab him. Careful not to kill him. We need him to draw out Prince Su.”
Xie He understood at once. His gaze was full of fury. “You are the Crown Prince’s men.”
The man smiled and said, “Truly a beauty. No wonder you were able to charm Prince Su.”
Xie He turned around, wanting to escape. His eyes were full of hate. The Crown Prince had murdered his whole family and he now wanted to kill him…. But at the same time, there was a profound sense of powerlessness. He didn’t want to be involved, but he could not escape the grudge between Prince Su and the Crown Prince.
Because Prince Su loved Xie He, the Crown Prince would not let Xie He go.
Xie He could not run quickly. The men followed after him like he was the mouse and they were the cats. When they saw Xie He fall to the ground, they laughed at his lame leg. “So he’s a cripple! Since it’s like this, what do you need this leg for? How about Laozi cut it off for you? That way, you can never escape!”
As the leader said that, he lifted his blade, a cold glint reflecting off it, and swung it towards Xie He’s legs!
Xie He shut his eyes, face pale. Just then, he heard an angry shout. “Halt!”
At the same time, he was pulled into a familiar tight embrace.
The author has something to say:
I heard that everyone thinks that this isn’t angsty? That’s really good. This author feels like she can turn into an author that writes fluffy stories then 23333.
This world will end with the next chapter~
sere: fukin angsty bruh who tf im so angsty