Chapter Ch184.1 - Absolute Control (1)
Translated by Eve
Edited by Serefina
9. Absolute Control (1)
“Don’t go…” Xie He hadn’t spoken for a long time. His intonation was odd and stiff. He didn’t really know what he was doing. He was only pleading for this person to stay instinctively. He didn’t want him to leave….
The man stopped when he heard Xie He’s plead. The man once again held Xie He in his arms, his gentle, magnetic voice sounding beside Xie He’s ear. “Okay.”
Xie He thought that he would be rejected, that the other would abandon him coldly like so many times before. Who would have expected that the man would actually agree. At this moment, the intense joy and gratitude caused tears to flow down his cheeks. That soft, low voice was like words of love from God. Being held in that warm embrace was like receiving salvation from a deity.
When the man heard his plea, he had been magnanimous and benevolent, agreeing to it….
Xie He had a death grip on the man’s arm as he curled into his embrace…. He still wanted to sleep for a while….
Liang Chengshan held Xie He and peered down at his face. Because the young man had been imprisoned for a long time, his skin had lost its shine. His originally graceful body had turned frail. He was very, very light when Liang Chengshan held him…. Tenderness flickered through Liang Chengshan’s eyes.
But it wasn’t enough. It still wasn’t enough.
This was only the beginning.
Liang Chengshan glanced at his watch. As a reward for you taking the initiative to beg me for the first time, I’ll give you two more hours.
Xie He’s world was quiet. It was comfortable, like he was immersed in warm water. He wanted to continue sinking down like this in his world forever. He didn’t ever want to leave again…. But gradually, he realized that someone was calling him.
That gentle voice told him, “Wake up, wake up. I have to go soon….”
Xie He slowly woke up. After some time, he realized what the man had said. Fear immediately appeared on his face. His emaciated fingers held onto the man tightly. “No. Don’t go, don’t leave me….”
Liang Chengshan stroked his back, action full of tenderness. There was reluctance to leave in his soft voice. “But I can’t stay.”
Xie He’s voice was raspy. There was a hint of dread and urgency. “Why…?”
Liang Chengshan said, “Because you did something wrong. That’s why you have to stay here by yourself and receive your punishment.” After saying this, he put Xie He back on the chair and slowly, but firmly pulled Xie He’s arms off.
“No! No—don’t leave me!” As soon as Xie He’s body came in contact with the icy metal chair, he began to struggle frantically. His voice was full of fear and his expression was warped, but nothing could change what was going to happen. In the end, he was still fastened to the chair…and that faint light once again disappeared. The warm embrace and voice had also disappeared. The world was once again filled with endless darkness and silence.
Incomprehensible, pained sounds spilled out from his mouth. He kept fighting his binds but it was all useless.
Gradually, Xie He realized that no matter how much he struggled or pleaded, the man would not come back.
He had always known just how dark and silent this place was. However, he couldn’t help but begin to think, his imagination running wild. He recalled what the man had said just before he had left.
He had said, “Because you did something wrong. That’s why you have to stay here by yourself and receive your punishment.”
Because I did something wrong, I have to be punished. So that was what had happened….
He couldn’t remember why he was here anymore. All that was in his brain were an assortment of random, nonsensical thoughts. He had a head-splitting headache. If he wasn’t bound, he would have torn his own body apart and gouged out his own organs.
When did this pain and torture begin? He couldn’t remember….
There was no beginning nor end.
The man was the only person that existed in his pitch black world. He could only hear that man’s voice, could only be held by him, touched by him. He could only sleep in peace in that man’s embrace.
Moreover, that man was so tender. He would always appear when Xie He’s despair was at its peak….
The man’s words were the only thing he could clearly remember now.
Xie He mulled over it for a long, long time. He kept replaying that man’s words. He wanted to know what he had done wrong, but he couldn’t recall&#k2026;.
He only knew that he was supposed to hate that man. The hatred that had been rooted inside his heart was the only thing he could still remember. But he didn’t remember why he was supposed to hate him&#k2026;. Xie He recalled how the man would save him so gently. For the first time, he began to doubt his hatred.
The man treated him so well. Why should he hate him?
There was no doubt. Xie He must have done something very serious. It must have been an unforgivable mistake.
Otherwise, why would he have to endure this endless torment?
Xie He shut his eyes. However, even with his eyes closed, he could not sleep. He slowly slipped into madness. Finally, he was once again able to hear the sound of those familiar steps.
The steps were very quiet but they were so clear in Xie He’s ears. Each step was engraved into Xie He’s soul. He knew that the sound meant that he would be able to rest. He opened his eyes, eager, and began to make ‘ah ah’ sounds. His already exhausted body once again began to fight against the binds.
Liang Chengshan walked over and let Xie He out. He held Xie He gently in his arms.
As soon as Xie He entered the man’s embrace, he gripped the man’s collar tightly before falling to sleep.
Liang Chengshan watched him with a soft gaze. He then personally helped Xie He wipe his body before readjusting the nasogastric tube and catheter. He then gave him a basic examination. While Xie He had been imprisoned, regardless of whether he was awake or asleep, Liang Chengshan would not let anyone else touch Xie He. He was the only one who could touch Xie He, who could make him feel.
He was the only person in the other’s world.
After Liang Chengshan did all this, he simply held Xie He without moving, letting Xie He sleep a bit. After all, his goal wasn’t to drive Xie He insane. He just wanted the other to be obedient. That was why whenever Xie He reached the brink of breaking down, he could come in and let him rest for a while. It was like Xie He was drowning and Liang Chengshan would come to pull him back from the edge of death time and time again. Over and over, he would let Xie He experience the despair of facing death but he would never let him die for real.
And this repeated on and on.
Xie He slept very deeply. His expression was peaceful. Liang Chengshan looked over Xie He’s emaciated face affectionately. In the end, a flicker of callousness flashed through his eyes. He then kissed the other and once again entered him.
Actually, a frail Xie He wasn’t comfortable to make love to. He was too thin. Furthermore, Liang Chengshan had to be very careful.
However, Liang Chengshan continued to firmly stick with his plans. He wanted his lover to only remember him from his body to his soul. He wanted his lover to remember that he was the only thing in the darkness that could bring him happiness and warmth. He was the only one who could make his life feel full.
He wanted Xie He to become intoxicated with him. He wanted to be the only medication that could alleviate Xie He’s pain.
Xie He slowly woke up. Although he felt what the man was doing to him, he didn’t feel conflicted. He only yearned for the other man and felt happy…. He hugged the man with all his strength, wanting to fuse with the man’s body. He wished that this would never stop.
But that was impossible…. He knew that everything would soon end. Every time the happiness came to an end, the man would leave.
It was like alms to comfort Xie He for a bit before he left….
When Xie He thought of this, he felt an incomparable alarm and reluctance-to-part bubble up. Therefore, when the man was about to withdraw from his body, he grabbed onto the other forcefully and said in a trembling voice. “Don’t leave….”
Liang Chengshan gazed at Xie He affectionately. There was powerlessness mixed into his loving tone. He said in a low voice, “I’m sorry. I can’t stay.”
Xie He wouldn’t let go no matter what. His expression twisted into one of madness. “What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong…? Tell me…? Why must I suffer like this…? What did I do wrong…?”
Liang Chengshan stroked his cheek, his tone aggrieved. “You betrayed me. You betrayed your lover.”
Xie He was startled. “I betrayed you?”
Why would I betray you? I yearn for you so much, I look forward to seeing you…as long as you can come, I’d be willing to die for you. How could I have betrayed you…?
“Yes,” Liang Chengshan said. He slowly fastened Xie He back to the chair, voice low. “You are here to reflect on your mistakes. This is the price of your actions. No one can save you. Only you can save yourself.”
Xie He fought, howling in despair. “Save me, save me, ah…I can’t save myself, I can’t move….”
His voice then suddenly cut off. It was as if he was thinking of something. With a raspy voice, he said, “You’re not willing to save me because I betrayed you. You want to make me stay here all on my own…right…you’re punishing me….”
Liang Chengshan’s always gentle voiced cooled down that instant. “It seems like you haven’t reflected over your actions. You’ve ignored my kindness and leniency. It’s obvious that you’re paying the price for your betrayal and yet you’re blaming me, who had come to see you out of love. If this is how you feel, I won’t come again.”
When Xie He heard this cold tone, the dread in his chest intensified many times over. He regretted saying those things so much. “No, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry…I wasn’t blaming you…don’t abandon me….”
Liang Chengshan didn’t reply. He just left.
When Xie He heard the door close, he couldn’t help but recall Liang Chengshan’s last words. He had said that he would not come back. The man was going to abandon him…Xie He had lost his last sliver of hope….
He drowned in hopelessness.
This was all his fault. Not only had he betrayed his lover, he had even tried to shift the blame onto him.
The man clearly treated him so well….Xie He had betrayed him but he didn’t give up on him. He kept coming to see Xie He, and kept giving him warmth. He was so kind…but Xie He had been ungrateful. His greed had been insatiable.
He was a sinner. No wonder he had to undergo such torture. This was all his fault….
He reflected on his wrongdoing in the infinite darkness. He had to pay the price for his actions….
Xie He did his best to struggle against the binds, knocking his head against the back of the chair. He cried out frantically, “I was wrong, I was wrong…come back, ah…..”
………………………………
Liang Chengshan stood inside the monitoring room, coldly watching as everything unfolded. Three months had already passed. Xie He had persevered for longer than he had expected. However…it was almost time.
Pity flashed through the eyes of the doctor in charge. Being loved by Liang Chengshan was probably the worst thing in his entire life to ever happen to the young man inside that room.
The doctor hesitated and then said to Liang Chengshan, “I think that his mental state has already begun to break down. Are you sure that you want to continue?”
Liang Chengshan said in an insipid tone. “He still hasn’t fallen in love with me.”
When the doctor heard this, he didn’t dare make another peep. He had received a fat pay cheque to do this for Liang Chengshan. But right now, he felt so guilty. However, he didn’t dare refuse or go against Liang Chengshan’s orders. Liang Chengshan could even treat the person he loved so cruelly, what couldn’t he do to him?
In any case, Liang Chengshan only asked that he ensured Xie He’s continued survival and safety. Xie He was safe…it was just his mental state that was being altered. The doctor could only console himself by deceiving himself like this. He made sure to watch over Xie He even more responsibly and diligently.
If Xie He were to suddenly die or to fall into irreversible insanity, Liang Chengshan would not let the doctor off.
Liang Chengshan did not allow for any mistakes. He had not stepped foot in the city for several months in order to keep an eye on Xie He’s condition at all times. He rarely ever left home. Everything was controlled remotely. Since he had chosen to walk down this path, he would ensure that it was a surefire plan. If something were to suddenly happen to Xie He and he wasn’t able to rush back in time, then he’d only be left with regrets…. That absolutely could not be allowed to happen.
The duration Xie He was able to endure grew shorter and shorter. The first time, he lasted eight days. Then it became seven, six, five…and now, at most he could only endure for two or three days before he would be on the edge of falling apart.
His body and willpower had both weakened considerably. Both had been continuously crushed and put back together again.
Xie He sat on that cold chair. There were no other thoughts in his mind except for one…. All he could think of was that he had done something wrong and that was why he had to be punished. He was a terrible sinner. He had even hurt the person he loved.
If that man was willing to come back, Xie He knew that he would never say such terrible things again. As long as that man was willing to come back….
He would never betray him again.
But this time, he waited for a long time but that man didn’t come back.
Xie He fell deeper into despair with every minute, every second. Time passed so arduously. The man must have abandoned him…right? Of course…he had betrayed the man and then even selfishly blamed him. Why should the man forgive him or save him? Xie He was supposed to endure this suffering on his own in the first place….
Just as Xie He had completely fallen into despair, his mind foggy, he once again heard the door open, the sound of footsteps.
Those familiar footsteps were like a power switch. As long as he heard them, all the hopelessness, madness and pain would all disappear. That sound was like a light shooting through the dark, melting the frost and bringing spring back into his world.
Xie He made ‘ah ah’ noises again. He was so happy he began to cry. He sobbed, “You came back…I was wrong. I was always waiting for you….”
Liang Chengshan walked over and took Xie He out of the chair and into his own arms. He sighed. “Although you hurt me again, I couldn’t let you go. I love you.”
Xie He held him back, shaking. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault….”
Liang Chengshan kissed him softly and said, “It’s fine. I don’t blame you.”
Xie He felt that hot kiss on his skin. It was like a spark on a fuse. It lit up his yearning. He wanted more. He wanted more contact. He didn’t want this simple kiss. It was too little…it couldn’t warm up his frozen body.
He took the initiative to pull Liang Chengshan closer. He wanted to drill into the other’s embrace and sink into slumber there….
When Xie He woke up, Liang Chengshan was about to put him back on the chair. Xie He didn’t complain. He endured the intense fear and pain and asked Liang Chengshan, “You said that the only person who could save me was myself….but I can’t save myself…I don’t get it….”
Liang Chengshan stroked his head and said, “Think of what you had done wrong. Not only did you betray me, you even doubted my feelings. You’re a cunning liar, a traitor. You don’t know how to feel gratitude or how to love someone…that’s why you have to reflect on yourself here. You have to atone.
“When you understand, you will regain freedom.”
Xie He listened as the footsteps grew further away. In the end, the door was shut.
His brain was filled with the man’s words. So all he had to do was think it through and he could leave here…. So the darkness, the quiet, the inability to sleep was all for the sake of making him think and reflect….
He immediately used all his energy to reflect. He shouldn’t have betrayed the man. He shouldn’t have doubted the man’s feelings for him.
He would learn how to be grateful and how to love….
He would no longer make such a mistake. He would be thoroughly loyal to the man and love him completely. Would that be fine?
He hypnotized himself by repeating these words to himself. Love him, be loyal to him…love him, be loyal to him…love him, be loyal to him….
But why hasn’t he been saved…? Did he not reflect deeply enough?
When Liang Chengshan appeared again, Xie He couldn’t wait to tell him, “I was wrong. I have already reflected on my mistakes. But why aren’t I freed?”
Liang Chengshan only laughed and said, “Your heart knows whether or not you have truly realized what you’ve done wrong. It knows whether or not you’re pretending to admit to your wrongs to escape. You cannot lie to yourself.”
Xie He wanted to give up all hope. He knew he was wrong, truly. Was it still not enough…? He hadn’t lied to himself….
But Liang Chengshan still left, leaving him there all on his own.
Day after day passed. Xie He didn’t know how much time had passed. He spent every second pondering over his mistakes. He had already suffered so much. Was it still not enough to atone for his sins?
It wasn’t enough…it was all useless….
He then began to doubt whether he was being sincere enough. Time and time again, he introspected. He analyzed every bit of his mistakes….
He had thoroughly reflected but he still couldn’t leave this place….
In the end, Xie He gave up wanting to leave here. He gave up all hope and let himself sink into despair.
The only reason he still lived was to wait here for the person he loved to come see him. Even though he had messed up so badly, his lover never gave up on him. He would always appear when he felt the most hopeless and give him peace and warmth. Over and over again, his lover brought him back from the brink of death.
Nothing else was important now. It was enough to have his lover. Even if he sunk into the depths of hell, even if he could never escape the cycle of pain, at least he had his lover….
That was enough.
sere: aaaaaand once again i am wrong.