Huaiyang (Part 3)
The window is closed, yet there is still a night breeze seeping through the cracks. The candle flame flickers, and the light and shadows dance upon Pei Qian's pale and serene sleeping face.
I have been sitting by the bed all along. My mood has lost its previous intensity, yet it remains chaotic and messy.
"....NǚJun," Uncle Qi's words from earlier still lingered, "allow me to say one thing. I have witnessed the journey of both NǚJun and Gongzi. Young love, is the most precious. In the past, what happened were beyond our control. But now that NǚJun and Gongzi have encountered each other again, it is an opportunity that is not easily obtained. If one can continue one's relationship, would it not be a great fortune? NǚJun, please stay..."
Stay?
For some reason, I thought of Wei Tan.
He sent me to meet Pei Qian, but he did not tell me about Pei Qian.
He gave me gold.
He said whether I leave or stay is entirely up to my own will.
With countless thoughts running through my mind, even if I now know his original intention, I still find him a confusing person.
The person on the bed moved slightly. Pei Qian furrowed his brow, and after a moment, he opened his eyes.
When he saw me, he paused for a moment. His hazy eyes revealed a joyful gleam.
"Ah..." He opened his mouth, but the sound got stuck in his throat.
"Don't move," I said, bringing a bowl of water and holding it to his lips.
Pei Qian raised his head slightly and took small sips. He continued drinking until he had consumed most of the bowl. Finally, he heaved a sigh of relief and lay back down.
I put down the bowl of water and stood up.
Just as I was about to take a step, my sleeve was tightly grasped.
"Ah Jin..." Pei Qian's voice was hoarse, "Don't go."
His complexion was still pale, and a glossy sheen covered his dark pupils, making him appear like a pleading child, evoking sympathy.
"I will go and fetch some porridge." I said, unintentionally softening my tone.
Pei Qian seemed to hesitate for a moment, glancing at the table where the porridge pot was placed not far away, then he let go of my hand.
I poured a bowl of porridge and brought it over, looking at him. "Can you eat on your own?"
Pei Qian attempted to move his body, managing to prop himself up slightly, but then he slumped back down and blinked his eyes. "Can't get up."
I looked at him sceptically, fearing that he might actually strain his wound, so I reluctantly sat down next to the bed.
Qi Shu had brought the porridge half an hour ago, and it wasn't very hot anymore. I scooped a spoonful from the surface and brought it to Pei Qian's lips.
"Have you eaten?" he suddenly asked.
"Yes, I have," I replied.
Pei Qian fell silent and opened his mouth to swallow the porridge, but his eyes were fixed on me, with a deep smile curving his lips.
"Why are you looking at me?" I said casually.
"Beautiful," Pei Qian's eyes gleamed. His smile was always charming. If any other woman saw him smiling at her, she would surely blush and be overwhelmed, especially if he accompanied it with sweet words. She might even faint.
But I'm not falling for it.
"You're being foolish." I said disdainfully, and then I spooned some porridge into his mouth.
The porridge had been scooped from the bottom, so it was still somewhat hot. Pei Qian held it in his mouth, grimacing and gritting his teeth.
The porridge, scooped from below, was evidently a bit hot. Pei Qian held it in his mouth, constantly grimacing and showing his teeth.
“You, woman….” After swallowing it with great difficulty, he glared at me.
Seeing this awkwardly helpless look, my mood inexplicably improved, and I stuffed another spoonful into his mouth.
Perhaps because I was feeding him spoonful after spoonful quickly, the bowl of porridge was finished soon. I thought of getting another bowl, but Pei Qian refused.
“No need, I’m full.” He said.
"Well, that won't do. LangZhong said your vitality is depleted and needs to be replenished," I replied.
Pei Qian looked at me, his face filled with a smile. "No need, I've already been replenished," he said. After a sigh, he continued, "Ah Jin, I never thought being bedridden could be so comfortable with someone taking care of me."
What a show off. I rolled my eyes at him, but deep down, I wasn't truly annoyed.
In the past, Pei Qian rarely fell ill, while I, on the other hand, would often catch a cold and develop a fever due to seasonal changes. Sometimes, it would be so severe that I had to stay in bed. Every time this happened, Pei Qian would come to visit me and take care of me, feeding me medicine and porridge.
When I would refuse to open my mouth, complaining about this or that, he would narrow his eyes and say, 'You ungrateful little woman, do you know how many beautiful women in Chang'an beg me to take a look at them when they are sick and pale? I wouldn't even bother. But now, I am personally feeding you. Dare you not eat?’
Naturally, these words provoked me, and I jumped up from the sickbed to pinch him. After many years, those scenes have now reversed, and I can still recall how, despite the anger on my face, I felt a sense of happiness in my heart.
"Then have another bowl," I said, "Get your fill of comfort."
Pei Qian forced a bitter smile, "But I can't eat anymore."
I raised an eyebrow, "Fine, don't eat. In that case, there are countless sickly handsome men waiting outside for this remarried woman to come and feed them."
Pei Qian paused for a moment, then smiled meaningfully, "Is that so? Then I'll go with you. I am a widower, just the right match for you."
My expression froze on my face.
Pei Qian looked at me, the playful expression on his face disappeared, leaving only seriousness.
"Ah Jin..." he reached out his hand, but I moved away.
Pei Qian's hand froze in mid-air.
I lowered my head, avoiding his gaze, and whispered softly, "It's late at night, I'll go rest, and you should sleep too." With that, I set down the bowl, turned around, and headed towards the door.
*******
When I stepped into the courtyard, the moon in the sky had already descended to the west. The soldiers guarding outside of Pei Qian's house looked at me with varying degrees of curiosity. Ignoring them, I borrowed a lantern from someone nearby and followed the same path I had taken earlier, making my way back to the house I reside in.
In such a late hour, everything around was pitch black. When I entered the courtyard, I was startled to find a person under the moonlight.
Following the light of the lantern, I recognized him. It was Wei An. He was sitting on the stone bench in the courtyard, leaning against the old plum tree behind him. He stood up when he saw me approaching.
“Si Shu?” I exclaimed in surprise. "Why aren't you asleep at this late hour?"
Wei An didn't answer. Instead, he asked, "Where did ZhangSao go?"
I was taken aback for a moment, and then explained, "Pei Jiangjun's old illness relapsed, so I went to visit him."
"Visiting until dawn?" Wei An's tone was somewhat sharp.
I sensed the displeasure in his words and frowned, speaking softly, "Si Shu, what nonsense are you talking about?"
Wei An remained silent, let out a "hmph," and walked away in a huff.
Not long after, I heard a loud "bang" as the nearby door was forcefully shut.
I stood there stunned, feeling awkward, when Ah Yuan came out.
"Furen," she was wearing her coat and yawning, "Furen, you're back."
"En," I said, handing her the lantern, "Has Si Shu not slept all night?"
"Perhaps," Ah Yuan shook her head, "He said he wanted to wait for you, no matter how I tried to persuade him to leave."
"Why did he want to wait for me?"
"I don't know," Ah Yuan said, "By the way, Furen, how is Jiyuan Gongzi? When I saw you sleeping, I went to have a meal with Si Gongzi, but when I came back, I heard that Jiyuan Gongzi had fainted and you were nowhere to be found. Did you spend most of the night taking care of him?"
I wearily forced a bitter smile and nodded, "For now, there's nothing to worry about."
Ah Yuan sighed, wanting to ask further, but I waved my hand at her. I was already tired and didn't want to discuss the matter any further.
******
In my dreams, there were ups and downs, and time seemed to intertwine. Sometimes I would go back to my youth, and other times I would witness those nightmarish days, filled with laughter and tears, far from peaceful. I dreamt that I was constantly searching for Pei Qian. He would stand at a distance, sometimes smiling at me, and other times appearing melancholic. I wanted to chase after him, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never catch up.
After waking up, I let out a long sigh.
I had had many dreams like this before, to the point where I knew in the dream itself that it wasn't real.
“Furen has awakened.” Ah Yuan approached and handed me clothes to wear.
"How is everything over there?" I asked.
Ah Yuan understood who I was referring to and replied, "Qi Shu came by two hours ago. He saw that Furen was still resting and left. He only told me that Jiyuan Gongzi is still recuperating on the bed."
I nodded. If that's what he said, then there shouldn't be any major issues.
"Does Furen want to go and check?" Ah Yuan asked.
I pondered for a moment and replied, "No, I won't go."
It was habitual from the past, whenever I heard that Pei Qian was ill, I would instinctively feel restless and unable to sit still. However, I also understood that things had changed now, and there were too many barriers between us. Unless it was absolutely necessary, it would be better for us to keep our distance.
Ah Yuan looked at me thoughtfully and was about to get up, but I held onto her and said, "Ah Yuan, stay and talk with me." She hesitated for a moment and then sat back down.
I remained lying on the bed and recounted in detail everything I had learned yesterday. There were so many facts swirling in my mind, disturbing my peace. I eagerly shared everything, pouring it all out, hoping to free up my energy to think about what to do next.
Ah Yan listened to me, her eyes widening with each word. By the end, she was left speechless, unable to utter a single word.
“You can’t believe it either, can you?” I smiled wryly.
"Furen, for Jiyuan Gongzi, I could believe it. But Da GongZi..." Her words became fragmented. "Heavens, he has been hiding it from the ChengXiang...."
I gazed at the canopy above me. Whether Wei Jue is aware of my knowledge about this matter, I am uncertain. However, by simply observing how many of my father's former students and acquaintances are currently assisting Wei Jue, it is clear that he is not paving the way for this marriage without reason.
"Furen," Ah Yuan hesitantly looked at me, "What do you think? Will you return to the capital or stay in Huaiyang?"