Chapter 128: Side Story 1 – Empress Xu
Empress Xu
"....The celestial fate lies within your being, adhere to it with diligence. May the heavenly blessings endure. O sovereign, follow the grand rituals, feast with myriad nations, and respectfully embrace the mandate of heaven."
In the grand hall of the ancestral temple, the Minister of Ceremonial Chen Zheng resounded with a clear voice, meticulously reciting the abdication edict word by word.
As the last words faded away, a soft and sorrowful sobbing filled the air. Looking around, I saw members of the clan, dressed in plain white, kneeling on the ground with mournful expressions.
Before me, the Emperor maintained a calm demeanor, as if the edict recited by Chen Zheng was just one among many he had heard throughout his life.
Oh... Perhaps I should no longer address him as the Emperor, for the abdication edict has just been proclaimed.
I glanced down the steps at the courtiers densely standing inside and outside the hall—some mourning, some composed. Their faces, perhaps some I've seen before , were faces I might never encounter again in the future.
And then there's the person directly in front of me.
Twelve mianlu, dressed in deep black and vivid red, with newly embroidered insignias gleaming. One cannot deny the commanding presence that these garments lend to him.
Has it finally come to an end?
Unexplainably, a sense of relief washed over me.
I'm surnamed Xu, and was named Xu Ping.
My mother once told me that when I was five years old, a fortune teller visited our home. After examining my features, he proclaimed that I possessed an exceptionally noble aura and could become an Empress in the future. My father was delighted and rewarded the fortune teller with gold.
This tale circulated among the adults for only two years, as not long after, my father was promoted to a high official position and took our family to Chang'an.
Chang'an is vast, and the population is abundant.
The first time I stood on a major street and witnessed carriages rushing by, I was so frightened that I burst into tears.
Yet, Father and Mother enjoyed this place. Our family was prosperous, and almost every few days, Father would invite his colleagues for dinner at our home. Mother would also take me to various places to acquaint ourselves with the noble families of Chang'an.
I have a good look, with a pleasant temperament. Many people acknowledged this, and as a result, I gained more friends.
Like me, they are mostly daughters of officials. However, many of them have deep roots in Chang'an, making me seem less outstanding in comparison. Sometimes, I couldn't understand what they were saying, and their demeanor often made me feel uneasy.
Mother once encouraged me, saying that regardless of where I lived before, now that I am the daughter of a high official, I shouldn't be half-shorter than anyone.
"Someday, Ping might become an empress," Zizi said with a smile.
I chuckled, feeling both ridiculous and puzzled. What is an empress like? Am I like one?
Mother paid no heed to my timidity. She continued to take me to various places, introducing me to different people. I learned to speak in their accents, to carry myself with grace like them. Whether someone was haughty, gentle, noisy, or playful, I greeted them with a smile. In disagreements, I never stirred up trouble. By the time I was fourteen, my Gumu from our hometown in Fenyang visited. She exclaimed, pulling me aside, "After these years, Ping has truly become a Chang'an girl."
I took some satisfaction in hearing those words.
Indeed, what she said was true. Now, I am truly a real noblewoman of Chang'an.
Whenever I went out with my sisters, there were always young dandies discreetly following my carriage. Among my friends, a few also discreetly mentioned that some of their brothers had an interest in me.
Of course, these matters could only be kept hidden, to be savored when no one is around. In Fenyang, the Xu family held a prominent status, and my parents always hoped for me to marry into a noble family in Chang'an.
"I want to marry someone I truly love," I said to Mother.
Mother smiled dismissively, "Is that so? Then tell me, how do you define that you are in love?"
"It means I like him, and he likes me."
Mother chuckled, stroking my hair with a knowing look. "How do you know he likes you too?"
I wanted to say it's simple, but upon careful thought, I realized I couldn't come up with a clear answer.
Not long after, Zizi quietly informed me that Father had set his sights on the eldest son of Fu Situ. Unfortunately, he got married last month, so now the attention has shifted to the second son, whom Father also finds suitable.
The prestigious Fu Clan name, of course, I've heard of. The Fu family from Huainan is a renowned and influential clan, deeply rooted in Chang'an. In the generation of Fu Situ, more than a dozen family members have attained high-ranking positions. And the Fu residence situated in the north of the city where the nobility congregates.
Though my father holds the position of Shaofu, the north of the city is a distant aspiration for us. It's home to the most powerful figures in the realm, making it indeed Father's ideal place.
Zizi's words quickly turned into reality. A couple of days later, our family went out for an outing, and coincidentally, we encountered the Fu family. Given Father's good social connections, we joined them on the journey.
Feeling shy, I could only steal glances at Fu Yun, the second son of Fu Situ, from behind the carriage curtain.
He was handsome, with a graceful presence while riding his horse. His laughter was charming, and he had a calm demeanor while chatting with others. Before long, he spurred his horse towards a carriage, exchanged a few words with a smile.
I saw a corner of the curtain being lifted, revealing half of a face. I recognized that face—it belonged to Fu Situ's youngest daughter, Fu Jin.
I'm familiar with Fu Jin as well. I've encountered her several times during outings with noble girls. Despite her young age, she's widely recognized as a budding beauty. However, birds of a feather flock together, and the elite circle of Chang'an includes girls like Fu Jin with even higher status and background, and her playmates are all from prestigious families.
Watching her elder brother, Fu Jin seemed to be amused, with bright eyes and rosy lips. She wore a delicate outfit in lotus color, looking incredibly charming.
The carriage and horses reached the bank of Ba River, where green willows flourished. Everything was prepared here, with vibrant tents stacked together. A young man emerged from the woods, smiling and bowing as he greeted Fu Situ and the others.
Seeing him, I was momentarily stunned, nearly forgetting the etiquette that a lady should not gaze directly at someone.
That was Pei Qian.
The most renowned scion of a noble family in Chang’an. The girls of our age discussed him daily, and every encounter with him brought about a sudden hush followed by excited commotion. Though I had long heard of his great reputation and found him pleasing to the eye, I did not feel infatuated like some other girls. Because I knew, even though I belonged to a high-ranking family and shared the same city with him, for someone like me, he remained as distant as the stars on the horizon.
Because Pei Qian and Fu Jin had been betrothed since childhood.
Nevertheless, being able to dine and have fun with Pei Qian was already a delightful experience.
He sat with Fu Jin's brothers, chatting and laughing. That carefree demeanor was something I hadn't glimpsed in our brief encounters before. I also noticed that whenever he mentioned something amusing, he would glance over at Fu Jin, as if gauging her reaction.
Actually, they didn't seem like they suited each other; Pei Qian was significantly taller, and Fu Jin was still a child. However, when Pei Qian spoke to her, he would slightly lower his head, and his expression carried a hint of doting. After a while, it seemed like he said something that annoyed Fu Jin. She playfully pinched his arm, and Pei Qian, whose face was often praised as exceptionally handsome, actually laughed as if he had achieved something.
"Seems like she's got all the good fortune, hasn't she?" Zizi whispered in my ear, full of sighs.
I smiled and pretended not to be bothered, but even after we returned home, the image of those two lingered in my mind.
Deep down, it's not that I'm not envious. They seem to be in perfect harmony—perhaps that's what people mean by having an affinity with each other?
There was no further news about Fu Yun, but a few days later, when Father returned home, he seemed somewhat displeased.
"Wei Jue is coming to Chang'an," he said to Mother.
"Wei Jue?" Mother thought for a moment and said, "The Northern Commandant of Luoyang that Fujun helped?"
"Exactly," Father said, sighing as he tossed a letter onto the table. He looked at me and continued, "Fuqin personally wrote this letter. He intends to betroth Xu Ping to Wei Jue's son."
This matter left me astonished, and Mother was even more furious.
The Wei family hailed from a prominent clan in Hexi, and they had a long-standing friendship with the Xu family. Wei Jue's father and my grandfather were once colleagues, sharing a close bond during their service. Wei Jue himself had a youthful friendship with my father. However, these connections were not enough.
Previously serving as the Northern Commandant in Luoyang, Wei Jue had offended the powerful, and Father had assisted him in various ways to help him escape punishment. Now, he came to Chang'an to serve as a cavalry captain, a position that paled in comparison to the influential nobles in the capital Father sought to befriend.
However, my Zufu was still my Zufu. No matter how unwilling Father was, he dared not defy his wishes.
Two months later, the Wei family arrived in Chang'an. When they visited our home, I laid eyes on my supposed fiancé—Wei Tan—for the first time.
That year, I was fourteen years old, the same age as Wei Tan.
If we talk about looks, he certainly didn't have the refined features of Pei Qian or Fu Yun. His facial features were somewhat angular, yet not abrupt, and surprisingly, he appeared very handsome. The first time I saw Wei Tan, he stood behind Wei Jue, with an imposing and charismatic air, catching my attention instantly.
My engagement to Wei Tan was settled when I turned eighteen. Father, citing the advice of a fortune teller that I shouldn't marry early, had been delaying it. However, under the pressure from Zufu and considering my age, he couldn't postpone it any longer.
From our initial acquaintance to the formal engagement, Wei Tan and I were no longer strangers.
Mother told me that the engagement with Wei Tan was a temporary arrangement. If the opportunity arose, Father would still try to break it off.
I didn't take these words too much to heart because, for this fiancé of mine, I found him quite satisfactory. After Wei Tan arrived in Chang'an, in less than two years, he had proven his skills and became a Yulin Guard. Every time I, along with other noble girls, visited the palace gardens, the Yulin Guards on horseback with their weapons would dash through the imperial restrictions, drawing the attention and admiration of many.
Among them, Wei Tan undoubtedly stood out. Wearing the same armor as the others, he exuded a more heroic aura; when the Emperor organized military exercises or cuju games in the palace, Wei Tan always managed to take the lead.
What surprised me was his close friendship with Pei Qian. Once, after a gathering, he escorted me home, and we unexpectedly met Pei Qian on the way. They spoke familiarly, and when I inquired, I learned that Wei Tan had known him for quite a long time.
Du Yin, an official that managed the Yulin Guard, was on good terms with Father. He once told Father that the Emperor held Wei Tan in high regard, foreseeing a limitless future for him.
Upon hearing this, Father smiled and didn't show much reaction.
I understood Father's thoughts. The Wei family hailed from the Hexi (western region), with a long lineage of military officers. Wei Tan's dream was to follow in the footsteps of his ancestors, achieve military exploits on the battlefield, and be rewarded with noble titles. However, Father scoffed at such prospects. Becoming a noble and holding high positions might seem appealing, but in the end, one would have to return to the court. A general receiving a stipend of a thousand stones would face greater hardships than a court official of the same rank. In an era that valued civil over military achievements, the future was uncertain. Most importantly, Father believed that if I could initially marry into the aristocracy, why settle for someone currently only “held in high regard by the Emperor"?
This was the truth, and I also found it reasonable.
But I have gradually accepted the future marriage to Wei Tan, and my feelings toward him had grown warmer than before the engagement. I started to do things like other women, sending him small tokens of affection, such as a personally crafted scarf or embroidered handkerchief. I would also unexpectedly visit him at the palace gate where he was stationed.
Amid the teasing from Wei Tan's colleagues, I saw him blush and quickly tuck away the items I had given him into his sleeves.
However, Wei Tan was a Yulin Guard after all, so our opportunities to meet were extremely rare. Moreover, unlike other young couples who might be overly affectionate when they did meet, Wei Tan never acted that way. Even during our private moments, the most intimate thing he ever did was hold my hand. Wei Tan's polite and gentle demeanor made me feel comfortable, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.
I thought of Fu Jin and Pei Qian, how they were together, laughing and playing like children, yet so happy.
So, was Wei Tan and I happy?
Thinking about it made me too shy to ponder or ask. Whether we were happy or not, we were already engaged. I liked him, and even though our relationship was not yet familiar, there would be plenty of time for it to grow.
Nearly a year after our engagement, one day, while I was visiting the palace to enjoy the flowers, I decided to drop by and see Wei Tan on my way out. However, when I arrived at the palace gate, he was nowhere to be found.
"He mentioned he had urgent matters and requested leave," said one of his colleagues from the Yulin Guards.
"Leave?" I exclaimed. "Where did he go on leave?"
"It seems he went to the East Market," he replied.
Upon hearing this, I hesitated for a moment. However, considering it was still early, I instructed the coachman to take me to the East Market.
The East Market was bustling with people, and it was noisy and chaotic. I had never been here before. Sitting in the carriage, I looked around aimlessly but couldn't spot Wei Tan.
As I was searching, the road was blocked by an ox cart, and I couldn't proceed. At that moment, I heard a somewhat familiar voice. Peering through the curtain, I saw a vendor haggling with someone.
"...Seventy coins?" The vendor, seemingly quite young but with a confident demeanor, continued, "Esteemed Gongtai, You could tour all around Chang'an from east to west, from north to south. With seventy coins, you can only buy a corner of this chessboard of mine. I can give this chessboard to Gongtai!"
"What do you suggest, then?" the buyer inquired.
"Five hundred coins," the vendor responded.
The buyer's eyes showed uncertainty.
"Three hundred," he said.
"Five hundred," the vendor insisted, "Not a coin less."
"This is an old item!"
"Ah, don’t Gongtai know that an old chessboard is even more valuable? I initially thought of selling it for seven hundred coins. Since Gongtai is interested, I'm making a special offer. If it seems expensive to Gongtai, you can always..."
I feel that the vendor has delicate features, like that of a young girl. Very familiar, yet I can't recall where I've seen them before. Before long, his face turned slightly in my direction, and my heart felt as if struck by lightning.
It was Fu Jin, the daughter of Fu Situ. I couldn't believe it, hastily looking again. At that moment, the carriage started moving. Disappointed, I took a few steps forward, and on the other side of the crowd, Wei Tan's figure appeared.
I wanted to call out to him, but the crowd was too thick. I instructed the driver to stop, and I got off the carriage to approach him.
The surroundings were bustling, and as I approached Wei Tan, I saw him standing quietly against a wall, seemingly observing something. Intrigued, I followed his gaze to the front where various people were present. The only distinctive feature was the tender voice—Fu Jin was still in the same spot, engaged in a spirited debate with the buyer.
Meanwhile, Wei Tan appeared focused, with a slight curl at the corner of his lips—a demeanor I had never witnessed before.
Even towards me, he had never shown such an expression.
Human intuition can be remarkably sensitive; with just a glance, one can sense something unusual.
I looked at him from a distance, only coming to my senses when my maid reminded me.
“Nujun, go and call Gongzi,” she said.
But I shook my head.
“No need.” With that, I turned around and walked back to the carriage.
This visit to the East Market left me feeling as if I had done something furtive. I couldn't pinpoint why I didn't go talk to Wei Tan. Perhaps I was inherently someone who didn't like meddling in others' affairs. Even if I had questions, I wouldn't readily express them.
Especially when it came to Wei Tan.
Maybe because I truly held him in my heart, I found myself acting cautiously. Why was Fu Jin in the market? A noblewoman disguising herself and mingling in the market, I could hardly recognize her. Was the Fu family short of money?
And Wei Tan, he kept looking at her...
With thoughts swirling in my mind, the day passed somewhat absentmindedly.
In the evening, however, Wei Tan paid me a visit.
Under the watchful eye of my mother, we couldn't be alone. Speaking through an embroidered screen, Wei Tan asked, "Did you come looking for me today?"
His words hit home.
"En," I replied softly, "You weren't around."
"I went to the East Market," Wei Tan said.
"Oh?" My heart skipped a beat. "What were you doing in the East Market?"
"Jiyuan asked me to handle some matters for him," Wei Tan explained. "He had urgent business today and couldn't spare the time, so I went on his behalf."
Mentioning Pei Qian eased my heart. Pei Qian was engaged to Fu Jin, and with this explanation, things seemed clearer.
Wei Tan was sometimes hard to read, but he had never lied to me.
"Why are you looking for me?" This time, Wei Tan asked me.
I regained my composure and said, "There is something. Can you take leave the day after tomorrow? Guo Jiu is hosting a gathering in his residence, and Bian Nujun invited me. She suggested that I bring you along."
"Guo Jiu?" Wei Tan seemed a bit hesitant.
"Exactly." I hurriedly said, "There will be many talented individuals at the banquet. If you go, you can make new friends, and it won't be boring either."
Wei Tan enjoys making new friends. As I said this, he indeed agreed.
After he left, I felt a sense of relief.
Wei Tan did not tell me why Fu Jin was selling goods in the East Market, and I didn't want to press for answers. Now, the more crucial matter is the family gathering at Guo Jiu's house the day after tomorrow.
I have my own plans.
Wei Tan is currently just a member of Yulin Guard, not enough to impress Father. Fortunately, I know quite a few noble ladies who might help me gather some information about good opportunities.
Guo Jiu, Bian Heng, enjoys gathering young talents for feasts at his residence, where there is music, drinks, and joy. As the elder brother of Empress Bian, and with Empress Bian currently in favor at the court, the Bian family holds a prominent position. Those favored by Bian Heng often find themselves on the path to success.
I get along well with Bian Heng's daughter, Bian Ying. A few days ago, I asked her about this matter, and she readily agreed. Today, while strolling in the palace gardens, she mentioned to me that Bian Guo Jiu had met Wei Tian and was willing to invite him to the feast.
On the appointed day, I arrived at Guo Jiu's mansion first. Bian Ying led me and several noble ladies to a small pavilion in the garden to enjoy refreshments. The exquisite doors were wide open, offering a view of a delicate rockery. Beyond it, there was a pavilion surrounded by water, where guests were seated at elegant tables, chatting and laughing. At the top, Bian Guo Jiu, dressed in a brocade robe, was engaged in conversation with a handsome young man.
"Who is that? He wears more rouge than a woman," a noble lady, using a silk fan to partially cover her face, remarked with a light laugh.
"That is the newly appointed Secretary of the Bureau of Ceremonies," Ban Ying said, "just promoted from the position of an Assistant Secretary."
The noble ladies understood. In the courtyard, the lanterns illuminated the surroundings as if it were daytime. The guests arrived one after another, all of them young men with diverse appearances, yet all pleasing to the eye. In my heart, I admired the discerning eye of Bian Guo Jiu in selecting guests. Before long, a familiar figure appeared in the courtyard.
Wei Tan was dressed in a neat silk robe with a jade belt tied around his waist, moving with agility.
"Who is that?" someone asked.
Bian Ying looked at me, chuckled behind her sleeve, and said, "You should ask Ping."
I blushed slightly and smiled with pursed lips.
Looking back at the banquet, the family members had already led him to greet Bian Guo Jiu, who was looking at him with a friendly smile, as if engaging in casual conversation. Being quite young, Wei Tan appeared a bit reserved from this distance.
To my surprise, when Wei Tan took his seat, Bian Guo Jiu personally indicated a seat near the top for him.
Even Bian Ying couldn't help but be surprised and said to me, "It seems my father truly appreciates him."
I was also happy in my heart.
Under the bright moonlight, the enchanting songs of the performers reached the small pavilion, creating a delightful atmosphere. The beautiful scenery and pleasant moments captivated the audience.
While chatting and laughing with the noble ladies, I couldn't help but glance at the banquet from time to time.
Bian Guo Jiu and the guests were drinking and chatting, and laughter echoed. Some approached Wei Tian for a toast, and he accepted, already having consumed a fair amount of alcohol. At this moment, Bian Guo Jiu stood up from his seat, holding a jug of wine, and walked toward Wei Tian.
Wei Tian quickly stood up.
Bian Guo Jiu's face was already flushed, looking at Wei Tian with a smiling expression. He was saying something while raising the wine jug.
Wei Tian also raised his wine cup and drank it all in a toast with Guo Jiu.
After Guo Jiu finished drinking, instead of leaving, he extended his hand toward Wei Tian. From my direction, I couldn't see exactly what he did, but in that moment, Wei Tian suddenly pulled away from Guo Jiu's hand.
I was stunned.
After a moment of silence, laughter erupted from the banquet, and even Guo Jiu laughed.
Wei Tian, however, seemed stiff all over. Before long, he bowed to Guo Jiu, placed his cup back on the table, and left, sweeping his sleeves.
This incident came suddenly, laughter abruptly ceased, Guo Jiu stood in place, watching Wei Tan leave, the smile on his face gradually faded.
The noble ladies also exchanged glances.
"What's going on?" asked Bian Ying.
I didn't know how to answer, hastily stood up, and walked quickly towards the outside.
"Meng Jing!" I urged the coachman to speed up, finally catching up with Wei Tian at the gate of the Wei residence.
"What happened?" I asked urgently, "Why did you leave so suddenly?"
Wei Tian looked at me, expressionless.
His silence only intensified my sense of his anger.
The incident just now, anyone with discerning eyes could guess a few details. Bian Guo Jiu enjoyed making connections with young talents, and privately, I had heard that he kept young attendants in his mansion.
In Chang'an, there are many young dandies who seek pleasure and entertainment, and having young attendants is not an uncommon practice. I just didn't expect Bian Heng, the dignified Guo Jiu, to behave inappropriately at the banquet, nor did I anticipate such a strong reaction from Wei Tao.
"Guo Jiu..." I asked hesitantly, feeling both ashamed and embarrassed, "Guo Jiu just now..."
"I am fine," after a moment, Wei Tian took a deep breath, calmed down, and said to me.
Feeling a bit relieved, I thought for a moment and comforted him, "You don't have to worry about the situation with Guo Jiu. I am acquainted with Guo Jiu’s family’s Furen and Nujun. I'll persuade her, and everything should be fine."
Wei Tan's gaze sharpened.
"Persuade?" He sneered coldly, "No need to persuade. Even if I can't stay in Chang'an, I don't need his favor or attention."
I furrowed my brows, understanding that he was upset. I spoke kindly, "Tonight's events were unexpected, and Guo Jiu was also drunk. You shoudn’t act impulsively."
"Impulsive?" Wei Tian looked at me. "Guo Jiu committed such disgraceful acts, and I'm the one who shouldn't be upset? That is being impulsive?"
His tone was a bit sharp, and I also became annoyed. I said, "So what do you intend to do? In Chang’an, those who seek to climb high encircle the city wall hundreds of times. It’s not like you're not aware of Guo Jiu's current power. Do you think it's easy to secure a seat at his banquet? I wanted you to make connections with him just to ensure you have a promising future."
“Promising Future? Is that the kind of promising future like that courtier officials?” Wei Tan stared at me, his gaze cold. "If I seek a successful future, I will work hard to achieve it. I disdain such crooked paths!"
I said anxiously, "I am not urging you to submit. The influential families in Chang'an are not limited to just Guo Jiu. Meng Jing, I know you aspire to follow in your Zufu's footsteps, achieving military success and building a legacy in Chang'an. However, times have changed. Although you are currently favored in the Yulin Guard, what about the future? Many have served as Yulin Guard for over a decade or two, only to end up as a sergeant without any chance for military merit. The Emperor values young talents, hence the existence of the Yulin Guards. You are still young now, and with the support of a patron, you can achieve twice the result with half the effort!"
Wei Tan's gaze deepened.
“It's getting late. You should go back,” he said calmly.
I was startled, and it took a while before I understood that this was an order.
"I did it for your own good," I said, somewhat incredulous.
Wei Tan seemed a bit weary.
"In that case, thank you so much," he said.
I reached out to pull him, but my hand grasped empty air.
"Go back," he repeated before turning away and leaving.
On the way home, my hands remain cold.
I felt defeated and wronged, shedding tears in the carriage. I had gone to great lengths, all for the sake of Wei Tan gaining Father's approval.
However, Wei Tan didn't see it that way... Wiping away tears, I reflected on what had just happened and felt like a complete fool.
Father had warned me long ago that this engagement couldn't be taken seriously, but I still eagerly threw myself into it with high expectations.
"…How do you know he likes you too?" I suddenly recalled Mother's words.
Yes, I did all this simply because I liked Wei Tan. But does he like me?
That day, the image of him looking at Fu Jin surfaced in my mind.
Feeling chaotic inside, I closed my eyes, unsure of what to do next.
Upon returning home, Mother came to greet me, and upon seeing my appearance, she was taken aback.
"Weren't you supposed to attend the feast at Guo Jiu's residence? What happened?" she asked.
I couldn't find the words, so I just shook my head.
Mother seemed to understand: "Is it Meng Jing? I heard he went too. Did he bully you?"
Her words hit the core of the matter, and I couldn't hold back. I buried my face in Mother's embrace and started crying.
"Then don't bother with that Wei Family’s son anymore!" Father's voice came from the hall. He walked over, handed me a piece of paper, and smiled, "The Emperor has issued an edict to select a consort for Prince Zhen, and I have already submitted your name to the Ministry of Rites."
Father's words turned into reality. Prince Zhen, born of Empress Bian, showed great potential to become the successor to the throne. Without hesitation, Father went to the Wei residence, citing my supposed illness as a reason, and called off the engagement between me and Wei Tan.
I don't know how Wei Jue reacted, but as for Wei Tan, after our dispute that day, he returned to the Yulin Guards. I heard that the Emperor sent them to Luoyang, and they wouldn't be back for half a year.
This turns out to be convenient. When Father called off the engagement, I felt miserable—lost my appetite and couldn't sleep well. I was reluctant to let go of Wei Tan.
However, I couldn't defy Father. I understood that his decision was for my own good. Wei Tan could not fulfil what my parents wanted, so it's better to endure the pain and move on.
When Wei Tan finally returned, I heard that he had considered coming to my house to confront the situation. However, in the end, he never did.
Our paths crossed again when I was chosen to learn etiquette in the palace. Once, on my way back from meeting with Da Changqiu, I happened to encounter Wei Tan.
Surrounded by silence, we faced each other, both momentarily halting our steps.
"You entered the palace," Wei Tan looked at me, his expression calm.
"En," I nodded.
"Was the cancellation of our engagement your choice?"
This was probably his inquiry.
I looked at him, a faint smile on my face. "Meng Jing, if it weren't for our Zufus arranging the marriage, would you have married me?"
Wei Tan was momentarily taken aback.
His lips moved, but before he could answer, footsteps echoed on the palace path. Someone was approaching.
I didn't say more, just nodded slightly at him and turned away to leave.
The sounds behind me quickly faded away. I didn't know if Wei Tan was still standing there or had already left, but I didn't turn my head back even once.
If it weren't for our Zufus, perhaps Wei Tan and I would have only met in passing. We were meant to walk different paths, and now it's time to return to our respective places, it’s good too.…..
******
Sometimes, I feel that the world is wondrous because you cannot predict how others will turn out in the future. Those who are high and mighty may suddenly fall into the mud, and the world that seems unshakeable might shatter when you least expect it.
Take the Fu family, for example.
I heard about the annihilation of the Fu family while I was still learning courtly manners with the court ladies.
In such a glorious and revered family, with just one burst of imperial anger, it was uprooted overnight. Including Fu Situ and the handsome Fu Yun, the entire Fu family was listed for execution. However, Fu Jin, who enjoyed selling goods in the market, was spared by Empress Dowager Liu. I heard that to keep her, Empress Dowager Liu declared she would disown her own son. The Emperor, unable to resist, had no choice but to acquiesce.
As an outsider hearing this news, I couldn't help but feel a sense of shock and dread. Yet, on the other hand, there was a small sense of relief. This matter, rather than saying that Emperor's dissatisfaction with the Fu family, it was more accurate to say that it was a victory for Empress Bian. The Fu family supported Prince Chen, the Eldest son of the Emperor, while Empress Bian naturally desired her own son, Prince Zhen, to ascend the throne. Now that the Fu family had fallen, the position of Prince Zhen seemed secure.
I have met both of these princes before. Prince Chen is refined, reserved in speech; while Prince Zhen is more lively, enjoying social gatherings. To be fair, Prince Chen carries himself with the demeanor of a future ruler, but ultimately, circumstances outweigh individual qualities. After the Fu family was exterminated, Empress Dowager Liu, fearing harm from Empress Bian to Prince Chen, brought him into the Empress Dowager's palace. Unfortunately, within a year, Empress Dowager Liu passed away. Fu Jin was married off to distant Laiyang, and Prince Chen was conferred the title of Prince of Jinan.
The struggle for the imperial throne, a recurring theme in every dynasty, was considered commonplace by the people. However, no one could have anticipated how swiftly the situation would change. Following the passing of Empress Dowager Liu, the Emperor quickly succumbed, and the Bian clan sought to enthrone Prince Zhen. Simultaneously, the elder brother of the late Empress (Prince Chen’s mother), Gao Mi, rebelled. Chang'an descended into chaos overnight, and I found myself trapped in the palace, living in constant fear. Empress Bian was poisoned by Gao Mi, and subsequently, the Governor of Liangzhou, He Kui, led his troops into Chang'an to quell the turmoil, killing Gao Mi. People thought the matter would end there, but He Kui, too, proved to be no benevolent figure either.
Father exerted great effort to take me out of the palace, and immediately afterward, we departed from Chang'an.
The realm has fallen into great chaos, with warlords vying for control, and even our hometown in Fenyang is not spared from the turmoil.
In just a short span of two years, the once prosperous and flourishing era has vanished like smoke and clouds. In Fenyang, I heard that Prince Chen ascended to the throne, but both Chang'an and Luoyang have suffered destruction in the ravages of war. Occasionally, I catch glimpses of news about familiar faces. Some have perished in the chaos of war, others lead a tumultuous life alongside the Emperor, a few have joined various warlords, and some have become warlords themselves.
One day, Father returned from outside and informed us of a significant event. Wei Jue had pacified Liangzhou, Hetao, and Shanxi, escorting the Emperor to Yongzhou. Before long, they would arrive in Fenyang.
This is indeed a significant matter. Upon hearing it, Mother and I were left speechless for a long time.
When Wei Jue met Father, it seemed as if there were no grievances between them. They exchanged warm greetings, resembling old friends who had been apart for many years. Wei Jue informed Father that the Emperor was planning to establish the capital in Yongzhou and was gathering former officials, expressing the hope that Father would return to the court.
After much contemplation, Father agreed.
The next time I saw Wei Tan was in Yongzhou.
He rode on horseback, leading soldiers as they dashed through the streets. People called him Da Gongzi. I stood on the side of the street, gazing at him from a distance. His figure had grown taller compared to several years ago, no longer the young Yulin guard with a hint of youthful innocence.
In this chaotic era, everyone struggles to ensure their survival, and my family is no exception. In these two years, our fields lay fallow, wealth dissipated, and Father had to dismiss almost all of our servants. Even after arriving in the capital, Father retained his position as a minor official, but compared to our days in Chang'an, it felt like a drastic decline. The new court regulations reduced our stipends significantly. With the year-end approaching, it became challenging to provide for the household, and even the basics like food and drink were hard to come by.
One night, as I emerged from Mother's room, I suddenly heard the sound of hooves. It abruptly ceased, as if stopping right at the entrance of our home.
A stir in my heart, I hurried to take a look, only to find that the servants had already opened the door. Outside, a person stood, in the process of bringing in two or three bamboo baskets.
Even in the darkness of the night, I wouldn't mistake that figure.
"Meng Jing." I was greatly surprised and walked towards him.
Wei Tan looked at me and nodded slightly.
"The New Year is approaching, and Father instructed me to bring some festive gifts," he said.
I glanced at those bamboo baskets, expressed my gratitude, and instructed the servants to bring them inside.
"I’ll take my leave," Wei Tan said, then turned to leave.
I quickly called out to him, "Meng Jing!"
He turned around.
I gazed at him, feeling there were many words, yet unable to articulate them.
"How have you been?" I asked softly.
Wei Tan fell silent for a moment.
"Good," he murmured, then turned towards his horse and walked away.
I stood by the door, watching his figure disappear into the night and snow, lingering there for a long time without moving.
Wei Tan seemed to be aware of our difficult circumstances. After that night, every few days, he would bring some goods—a supply of rice, meat, or fabric, all essentials for our daily life.
Mother sighed, saying, "Wei Jue is indeed a person of great integrity."
But I didn't see it that way. I felt it was all Wei Tan's doing.
Why was he doing this?
Thinking about that figure, reminiscing about the beautiful days we spent together, I felt like the gloom of the past two years had suddenly lifted, and even my breaths became lighter and more joyful.
As the weather warmed, and the conflicts intensified once again, Wei Tan left Yongzhou to go to war.
Every day, I went to the temple to pray, solely for one thing – his safety. Three months later, he returned with Wei Jue, and I heard that Luoyang had been reclaimed.
Just as I was overjoyed at the prospect of seeing him again, Father brought news from the court.
"Feng Chan proposed to the Emperor to establish an Empress, and the Emperor ordered the selection of a lady from among the daughters of officials. Chengxiang favors you," he said with a smile.
Upon hearing this news, I felt a moment of emptiness.
Almost without hesitation, I turned and rushed outside.
I walked out the door, traversed the streets and the crowds, and arrived at the foot of the city wall. Wei Tan patrolled the city every day, and sure enough, I saw him.
He looked surprised when he saw me approaching.
"Your father wants to marry me to the Emperor," I gasped, speaking to him.
Wei Tan seemed to have already known about this, showing little surprise.
He gestured for others to step back, then nodded, "So it is like that."
An uneasy feeling settled in my heart as I looked at him. "And what about you? What do you think?"
"Me?" Wei Tan looked at me, "This matter was discussed between my father and yours. Besides, entering the palace as the Empress has been your long-cherished wish."
His words caused my heart to plummet, and I stood there in a daze, feeling a chill running through my body.
"All those supplies, they were sent by you," my voice trembled as I murmured, "Do you still have feelings for me?"
"Xu Shaofu helped my father; I was merely returning the favor," Wei Tan said softly. "Do you remember when you once asked me if, without our Zufus' wish, I would marry you?"
He looked at me and sighed, "I've thought about it a lot later on. You were right; we were wrong from the very beginning."
Wrong, were we?
I stood on the crimson steps, gazing at Wei Tan. Behind him, Fu Jin stood at the forefront of the women, adorned in elegant attire.
Wei Tan said that he and I were wrong.
So, was Fu Jin the right one for him?
I still remember the shock I felt when I heard that she was marrying Wei Tan. When Guo Furen brought her into the palace to meet the Emperor and me, my gaze lingered on her face for a long time.
Five years had passed, and everyone had endured their share of hardships. I experienced hope and disappointment, married to the Emperor but lost my own child. Fu Jin was married off to distant Laiyang, silent and seemingly resigned, only to unexpectedly remarry Wei Tan.
What I had hoped for, she seemed to effortlessly attain.
I, filled with envy and anger, once asked Wei Tan with a hint of sarcasm, "You and Pei Qian are good friends. Now that you've married his old flame, is it to take care of your friend?"
Wei Tan remained calm, saying, "You need not concern yourself with that."
Indeed, their affairs were none of my concern. Rumors circulated about their deep marital bond, but I did not believe it until that snowy morning when Wei Tan hastily took Fu Jin's hand, walked away without looking back, leaving me behind. It was then that I understood: perhaps that faint sense of unease I felt many years ago when Wei Tan gazed at Fu Jin was indeed real.
He said we were wrong, but it seemed the roots of our mistakes had been there all along.
There is no grief greater than when the heart dies. From that moment on, all my thoughts about Wei Tan turned into ashes of silence.
I thought I would be driven to madness by pain.
But I wasn't.
Perhaps I am inherently cold-hearted, or maybe I have always understood the art of survival, knowing not to charge headlong into a dead end. I still live in the palace, performing my duties as the Empress. Even after Zhao Jun’s disaster, even after Wei Jue pointing a sword at the Emperor's chest.
"Does it hurt?" the Emperor asked as he wrapped my injured palm.
I looked at him, seemingly examining for the first time the man who was my husband.
Though his age was close to mine, the difficult circumstances, the abuse from powerful ministers, and the suppressed ambitions had turned a vibrant young man into someone with streaks of white hair.
We've been married for three or four years, but our relationship is more like mutual respect and courtesy. Especially after my miscarriage, the number of words I exchanged with him on a daily basis couldn't compare to the conversations he had with the court officials. When he favored other consorts, had children with them, I didn't feel jealous. Instead, I arranged for caregivers and took care of all the trivial matters.
Sometimes, I find it funny to think that in the whole world, it would be difficult to find a puppet couple more harmonious than us.
"It doesn’t hurt," I said.
"How could it not hurt?" the Emperor replied, "One can already see the flesh."
I gave a faint smile and said, "What does it matter if it's flesh? If Chengxiang had wielded his sword, Qie had lived more than twenty years, it would have been sufficient."
The Emperor remained silent.
"You actually didn't need to shield me," he said. "Chengxiang wouldn't dare to kill Zhen yet."
His mind was clear, but it was easy to be wise after the event. Anyone could do that.
"If that's the case, if BIxia finds someone annoying, the next time Chengxiang comes, just order them to stand in front of you," I suggested.
The Emperor paused for a moment, then burst into laughter.
I smiled too.
The remark was actually quite dull, with no real humor, yet as we locked eyes, our laughter grew louder, but lacking genuine joy, carrying only a sense of helplessness.
"Don't leave," the Emperor said to me as he tied the knot on the cloth, "Both of us have nowhere to go. We can only live for more than twenty years, so we might as well watch the show together."
I looked at him for a moment, then averted my gaze, remaining silent.
I do have somewhere to go. Although my parents have always been proud that I became the Empress, they still worry about me. Mother has visited the palace several times, expressing concern about the current situation. She told me that if I wished, Father could plead with Wei Jue to depose me as the Empress and allow me to leave the palace. After all, Wei Jue sent his nieces into the palace with the intention of taking over the Empress position.
I was deeply moved and told Mother that I would think about it.
If it had been on the day when Wei Tan walked away with Fu Jin in front of me, I might have immediately agreed to Mother's suggestion. However, now I hesitated repeatedly.
The reason is simple—I have a child.
To be precise, he is not my biological child but the son of Ji Guiren, who was forced to death by Wei Jue. I adopted him when he was just two months old.
His name is Li. When he first arrived in my palace, he often cried, and I found it quite bothersome. However, as time passed and I took care of him alongside his wet nurse, my heart softened as I watched him occasionally smile at me with his small face. Perhaps having invested so much energy in Li, I no longer have the strength to think about trivial matters as I did before. Even when I go out each day, my thoughts are consumed by what he should eat and when he should sleep.
This is probably what it feels like to be a mother. I believe it's a small reward from the heavens to compensate for the regret of my child who I was not destined to meet with. If I were to leave, this little comfort would also be lost.
The Emperor also dotes on this son. He visits every day and often stays in the palace, not leaving.
Perhaps because of Li, or perhaps because we are both in the midst of adversity, there is a strange closeness that has developed between the Emperor and me.
I've noticed that he isn't as reserved as before. When he encounters interesting things, he doesn't let the adversities prevent him from laughing openly.
He is a thoughtful and caring father, personally teaching Li to speak and walk. Sometimes, we dismiss attendants and play with Li together—talking and laughing. Every moment is unexpectedly filled with joy.
Watching my husband and child, I suddenly had some aspirations. I thought, if things could continue like this, even if I were an ordinary commoner, what would it matter?
Perhaps it's because I have nothing more to lose. After having this thought, I suddenly became exceptionally persistent.
The Emperor carries the heavy burden of being an emperor. Over the years, the weight has accumulated, and he can no longer bear it.
"Go," he said to me as he left with Wei Tan and Fu Jin's daughter in his arms. "Guo Zhang is waiting outside Rong'an Gate. If a fire breaks out in the palace, the Yulin Guard will surely come. Take this opportunity to leave with Li."
"What about you?" I asked, my voice trembling slightly.
He gave a strange smile.
"Do you remember what I said? Even if One only lives for more than twenty years, One might as well watch the show," he looked towards the illuminated city wall and said, "I'm going to watch the final act."
I took a deep breath. "Qie will accompany Bixia."
The Emperor looked at me with deep eyes. In the end, he didn't say anything, just instructed Huang Shao to stop me, then turned and left.
I didn't listen to his words. When the palace caught fire, we sneaked out and indeed found my father. However, taking advantage of the distraction, I pulled him down from the carriage and took the reins myself.
Father and others shouted loudly behind me, but I didn't look back. I just drove the carriage forward.
My heart was in chaos, but I wasn't lost. For the first time, I was certain of what I should do, right or wrong. I no longer evaded; instead, I exerted all my efforts to fight for it.
I encountered Pei Qian. By the time I reached the city wall, the wall beside the Emperor had already been hit by the arrows.
The wind ruffled his clothes, as if it could take him away at any moment.
I rushed towards him, calling him. When he saw me, his face turned to shock, but the light in his eyes was no longer lifeless...
The palace road stretched endlessly, and at the end, a line of carriages and soldiers awaited.
They were meant to take us to our fief, the title of Tanyang Gong, given to the Emperor after abdication.
Li enjoyed going out. When he saw the carriages and horses, he happily ran towards them, and I couldn't help but call him to slow down.
The sound of bells and chimes echoed from afar, a familiar tune, the music played in the main hall. The Emperor walked in front of me, and his steps came to a halt.
He looked back, the palace walls towering too high, leaving only a rectangle of sky.
"Is this how it is?" he asked softly.
I remained silent.
I know what he is thinking – leaving this place means leaving behind everything that burdened him before.
"Does Bixia resent me?" I asked after a moment.
He looked at me in surprise.
I whispered, "The current situation may not be what Bixia desires."
He looked at me, revealing a wry smile.
He took my hand, his voice slow, calm, and indifferent: "Why harbor hatred? If one dies, all wishes cease." Pausing for a moment, he continued, "Also, from now on, Furen must not address me as you did before."
I was stunned for a moment, but soon understood.
He said "me" and referred to me as "Furen."
Looking into his eyes, after a while, I too revealed a smile and said, "Yes, Fujun."