Chang'an (Part 2)
The sky was somewhat overcast, as if the sun wouldn't appear again. The broad collar wrapped tightly around my neck, yet I still felt cold, so I pulled my sleeves closer.
Even though the houses were all destroyed, I still recognized every corner of the ground well. I can recognize where the empty spaces were, where the covered walkways used to be, and which path leads to whose courtyard. I bypassed the front hall and headed inside. In the snow, there's only a row of lonely footprints left behind by me.
My house's backyard was beautifully landscaped, every tree and stone carefully selected by Zufu who loved to create. I also loved this place. When I was ten years old, I persistently insisted on turning the only small building in the backyard into my own private room. Since then, the backyard has become my courtyard.
Unlike the fate of the buildings, the flowers and trees in the backyard were still there, albeit lacking proper pruning, growing like wild bushes. In winter, most of the leaves have fallen, leaving only desolate branches. The only verdant sight was a distant pine tree, its branches still retaining the shape they had when I left.
Beside it was the small building that had already collapsed.
I walked slowly over and climbed the stone steps. Charred wood scattered in all directions, and debris of tiles and stones piled up on the ground. I stared blankly at the scene, recalling the last night I stayed here.
At that time, it was just as cold as it is now. In the middle of the night, Mother hurriedly woke me up and told me to get dressed.
I was confused, and watched her face, full of anxiety, as she kept instructing the wet nurse and maidservants to take this and that while packing things.
"What has happened?" I realized that something was amiss and asked Mother.
She looked at me with a complex gaze and wrapped my fur coat tightly around me. "TaiHou (The Empress Dowager) summoned you to the palace just now, saying she wants you to stay with her for a few days."
Before I could say anything, Zhangxiong came in from outside and said that the carriage was already waiting at the front gate. Mother no longer allowed me to speak and pulled me out of the house.
Only a few lanterns were lit in the mansion, which surprised me. At the front gate, to my astonishment, Father, Erxiong, and ZhangSao were already waiting there.
"Is everything packed?" Father asked Mother.
Mother nodded and instructed the servants to load the bundles onto the carriage, then she asked me to get on as well.
Everyone's face wore a solemn expression, even ErXiong, who loved to crack jokes, remained silent.
"Ah Jin," Mother touched my collar one last time and urgently reminded me, "After entering the palace, you must listen to TaiHou's instructions in all matters. Stay by her side at all times in Changle Palace, and never leave, no matter who comes looking for you. Do you understand?"
I saw her eyes become red-rimmed, and then I looked at Father and my elder brothers. The unease in my heart grew heavier and heavier.
"Muqin, I won't go to the palace. I won't go anywhere," I said as I attempted to get down from the carriage.
"Sit down!" Father suddenly came over and held me down, giving Mother a stern look and said, "Why are you saying such things?" He then ordered the coachman, "Go quickly!"
The coachman responded with a sound and urged the horses forward with a flick of his whip.
Caught off guard, I was pulled back and stumbled for a moment.
"Muqin!" I pulled back the carriage curtain and called out to her. She stood at the doorway, looking at me for a moment before covering her face with her sleeve…
Water droplets fell on the snow, creating shallow little pits. I stepped on the snow and debris, walking in with each step shallow or deep. I had lived in this place for many years, and although it looked completely different, I could still recognize where the couch used to be, where the table was set, and where my favorite spot to daydream by the window was. Underneath a wooden beam, I noticed a partially torn grass mat, and as I looked further down, it seemed to be pressing down on something.
I bent down and flipped over the grass mat, revealing a dirty, smiling face right in front of me. I was taken aback for a moment, but then I picked it up.
It was a cloth doll.
The fabric, weathered by years of wind and rain, had faded and become dirty, but it was still intact. The stuffing inside was flattened, the large head, slender limbs, and crooked stitches—only I could sew so clumsily in this mansion.
I remembered; this was the first finished product I made when Mother forced me to learn needlework. At that time, I thought I had done a great job and proudly showed it off everywhere. I even wanted to give it a name.
"...Tsk tsk, it really looks like Ah Jin. Let's call it Ah Sha," ErXiong chuckled while patting my head.
I removed a piece of mud stain from the cloth doll's face. It looked at me with its two eyes sewn with black thread and its lips sewn with red thread, indeed resembling a smiling fool. My nose felt a bit sour, and I couldn't tell if it was due to the cold wind or memories. I held the cloth doll, looking around; this place that was once home, familiar people and objects, had all disappeared without a trace.
The withered trees and remnants of the garden suddenly blurred before my eyes. 'Going home, going home', I thought to myself. In this world, is there still a place I can truly call home?
The north wind continued to blow, but suddenly, I felt warmth as a large cloak was draped over my shoulders.
I turned my head in surprise, and there, just within arm's reach, stood a figure, appearing blurry in my teary eyes. As I tried to wipe away my tears to see more clearly, I heard a long sigh, and before I knew it, I was embraced in his arms.
The fabric carried the familiar scent that I had gradually become accustomed to, as warmth radiated through it, dispelling the cold from my face. I wanted to lift my head, but Wei Tan held the back of my head, not allowing me to move, "If you want to cry, then cry. No one here can see."
It felt as though something inside me had been touched. I buried my head in his embrace, no longer struggling…
When I came out, besides my carriage, Wei Tan's horse was also there.
"Where does Furen still wish to go?" Wei Tan asked me.
I looked back at the ruins behind me for a moment, then shook my head. Chang'an no longer matched its past appearance, and I feared that other places would only evoke more sorrow.
"Isn't Fujun supposed to return only in the afternoon? How did you find your way here?" I asked him.
"There was nothing significant, so I decided to return early," Wei Tan replied, then glanced at me. "This is the only place Furen would go."
That's true.
"Since Furen has nowhere to go, how about accompanying Weifu to Huguo Temple?" he suggested immediately.
I was surprised, "Huguo Temple?"
Wei Tan nodded and said, "Weifu hasn't been to Yan Tower in many years. One was thinking of revisiting the old place."
After some thought, I nodded in agreement.
*****
Huguo Temple is the largest Buddhist temple in Chang'an, ordered to be built by the filial Emperor two hundred years ago. Not only is it a place of bustling incense, but it also boasts towers, ponds, and woods, making it one of the favorite places for the people of Chang'an to visit. Among them, Yan Tower, over ten zhang high, provides a panoramic view of half of Chang'an from its top.
Mother didn't particularly like Huguo Temple; she said it was crowded with people, and apart from worshipping Buddha, she rarely took me there.
However, Wei Tan was evidently much more familiar than I was. While I was still trying to recall the direction to Yan Tower, he had already led me to the path that led there.
Although Huguo Temple had also experienced warfare, it had been better preserved than other places. Yan Tower stood tall in front of us, and the scripture pavilion on top remained as it was before.
In the past, I used to dislike coming to this place, not for any other reason but because of those tall, one-foot high steps—eighty-one of them in total. Every time I climbed up, it was extremely exhausting.
Today's weather was unfavorable, and it wasn't an auspicious day either, so there were very few people coming to Yan Tower. The stone steps were covered with ice and snow, and after just two steps, I slipped. Fortunately, Wei Tan grabbed my arm.
"Be careful," Wei Tan said, but he didn't let go of my hand and instead led me up step by step.
Wei Tan was always traveling outside, so these stone steps were like flat ground to him. But it was different for me; I felt tired after walking not even halfway.
"Want to take a break?" Wei Tan looked back at me.
I shook my head and breathed heavily, "No need."
Wei Tan slowed down his pace and smiled, "Furen doesn't move around much. Once we return to Yongdu, if Furen accompanies Weifu to walk around the city walls every day, you won't feel tired easily anymore."
I wanted to reply with a couple of remarks, but I felt that engaging in a verbal exchange with him would be a waste of energy. Instead, I decided to conserve my energy and focus on climbing the tower.
By the time we finally reached the top level, I was already sweating, so I took off the cloak and held it in my hands. The door to the scripture pavilion was tightly shut, and Wei Tan walked along the stone balustrade, gazing into the distance.
I also looked in that direction. In the past, standing here, I could see the magnificent and towering rooftops of the palace, grand and imposing. But now, over there, there was nothing left except for high walls and platforms. Not only the palace, but many of Chang'an scenic spots, such as the tall buildings that used to stand in the bustling market, adorned with exquisite flying eaves during the day and shining brightly like stars at night, had all disappeared without a trace.
Although I felt downhearted, I didn't want to allow myself to sink into desolation. So, I looked for some topics to discuss and asked, "Did Fujun used to come here often in the past?"
"En," Wei Tan replied, "Before I entered Yulin Guard, I used to run up and down these steps ten times every morning."
I was taken aback and looked up at the steps.
Eighty-one steps, ten rounds each time... He had to run 1,620 steps every day... I was amazed by this revelation, no wonder Pei Qian couldn't defeat him back then.
Just as I was about to speak, a gust of wind blew, and I sneezed, "Ah-choo!"
"Put on the cloak," Wei Tan turned to look at me.
I replied, "Qie is still a bit warm."
Without saying a word, Wei Tan took the cloak from my hand and draped it over my shoulders. Then, he extended his arm and enveloped me in his embrace.
Warm breath tickled my ear, and I felt embarrassed as I glanced at the people nearby. A visitor who had just climbed up to the platform kept glancing in our direction.
"There are people watching," I whispered softly.
"En?" Wei Tan also looked in that direction but didn't seem to mind. "What's there to be afraid of? You and I are husband and wife." After saying that, he nodded to the visitor, "Is Gongtai here to enjoy the scenery by climbing the tower?"
The person hesitated for a moment, then cupped his hand and replied, "Indeed."
Wei Tan smiled and said, "The weather is nice today. Why didn't Gongtai bring your wife along?"
The person glanced at me, gave a somewhat embarrassed smile, and replied, "One's wife is at home and didn't come out." After saying that, they looked around nervously. After a brief pause, they then stepped down from the steps.
"Does Fujun know him?" I looked at that figure and asked with confusion.
"No," Wei Tan replied.
"Then..."
"He's already left, hasn't he?" Wei Tan whispered, biting my ear gently.
Me: "....."
Ruffian. I took a deep breath of the cold air, hoping to dissipate the warmth on my face.
There were only Wei Tan and me left on the Yan Tower. He held me close, with his chest against my back. We stood there quietly for a while, and then he suddenly asked, "Do you want to return to Chang'an?"
I was taken aback for a moment, and it took me a while to understand his question. He was asking whether I wanted to return to live in Chang'an again.
Unspeakable bitterness surged in my heart. After a moment of silence, I said, "But it's already ruined."
"Ruined?" Wei Tan replied, "Chang'an has been built and destroyed numerous times over the past thousand years. Do you know how many times it has been ruined?"
I was stunned; this was something I didn't know. I shook my head.
"Nine times," Wei Tan said.
I tried to calculate and felt puzzled, "Almost once every two hundred years? But Chang'an has only experienced three dynasties."
"Not only were there changes in dynasties," Wei Tan said, "but there were also invasions from foreign enemies, military disasters, and political upheavals. The most tragic one was during the end of the previous dynasty, when a great fire engulfed the entire city of Chang'an, followed by a devastating plague that wiped out all the population within three years. When the First Emperor unified the realm, there were less than a hundred households in Chang'an, barely even qualifying as a small county."
I remained silent.
"Will it ever return to how it was in the past?" I gazed in the direction of the city, and after a while, I whispered softly.
"If you wish it, it will," Wei Tan said, releasing his grip on me and turning me to face him. He held my shoulders with both hands. "Ah Jin, there are indeed things that cannot return to the past, but that's not everything. No matter how treacherous the world may be, there will be days like before, just like Chang'an. If you don't abandon it, it won't abandon you."
I gazed into his eyes, and under the sunlight, there was an indescribable radiance in those eyes, firm, or perhaps passionate. My heart unexpectedly stirred, like the first warm breeze blowing across a frozen lake after the harsh cold of the winter.
"Will Fujun rebuild Chang'an?" I asked softly.
Wei Tan smiled gently, "I will. Would Furen be willing to accompany me?"
My heart pounded in my chest, and I remained silent, gazing at his face. His eyebrows and eyes had graceful and handsome contours, standing out even amidst the surrounding snow-white colors. His bright eyes were so captivating that I couldn't look away.