Chang'an (Part 1)
I haven't seen Chang'an again for six years. That place carries almost all of my joys and sorrows, separations and reunions. Everything of mine is deeply imprinted with its shadow. People say it has become a ruin, so I have been hesitant, wanting to visit it, yet fearing to see it no longer what it used to be, which only adds to my sorrow.
So when Wei Tan asked me, I hesitated for a moment. But considering that if Wei Tan left, I would be alone in the Wei residence. What happened today at the hunting ground, the pregnant Xu Ji, everything had tired me. In comparison, although Wei Tan and I had some minor disagreements this morning, staying by his side felt much easier than dealing with those people.
"How long will Fujun be gone?" I asked.
"Two days," Wei Tan replied.
I nodded and said, "Qie will accompany Fujun."
Behind me, Zhou Shi and Mao Shi chuckled softly. I gave them an angry glare, then got off the carriage.
*****
During these two days of camping in the wilderness, some daily necessities were already on the carriage. Wei Tan was in a hurry and didn't return to the residence. After stuffing my belongings into a smaller carriage, we immediately set off without delay.
Yongzhou is not far from Chang'an. In the past, due to the destruction of Chang'an, the Emperor couldn't return to the capital, so Wei Jue chose Yongzhou as the new capital. However, in the cold winter, the roads were covered with ice and snow, slowing down the pace of the journey.
That night, we stayed in a small county town. When the county magistrate and the county officer heard that Wei Tan had arrived, they originally wanted to host a banquet. However, Wei Tan declined politely, citing fatigue from the journey and the need to rise early the next day. With nothing to attend to during the night, both Wei Tan and I laid down on the bed at the same time, which was the first time in several days that we could rest together peacefully.
After washing my feet with warm water just now, they feel cozy. However, the mattress is not thick enough, and the board beneath is a bit hard. I tossed and turned for a while.
"Cold?" Wei Tan asked.
"Not cold," I replied.
But it seemed like Wei Tan didn't hear me. He reached out and pulled me into his embrace.
"It's really more comfortable to sleep with Furen in One's arms," he said with a smile, his voice close to my neck in the darkness. "Last night in the camp, I shared a bed with Zixian, and he snored so loudly that I almost got kicked off the bed."
I smiled and said, "Was Fujun very busy yesterday?"
"En," Wei Tan replied, "Yongdu needs to have people on patrol, and we must be vigilant around the hunting ground. I had a quick rest at Xiliu Camp, and in the early morning, I had to rush back to the hunting ground."
Then went to meet Empress Xu. I couldn't help but add something in my heart.
The two of us seemed to have an unspoken understanding, and for a moment, silence fell between us.
"Is Furen's arm still hurting?" Wei Tan asked suddenly.
"It doesn't hurt," I replied.
Wei Tan didn't respond, but shortly after, he suddenly pressed my arm with his hand.
"Ah..." I cried out in pain.
"Lets apply some medicine," Wei Tan said in a flat tone, getting up to light a lamp.
With the light shining again, I squinted and turned my head back, only to see him getting off the bed and fetching the small porcelain bottle we had seen in the morning.
"Shall I take it off for you?" He came back, arching an eyebrow when he saw me not moving under the blanket.
I had no choice but to roll up my sleeve and extend my arm. The cold air touched my skin, causing a shiver to run through me.
Wei Tan draped his coat over himself, sitting inside the blanket. He poured the medicine into his palm, rubbed it together, and then applied it to my arm. The scent was strong, reminiscent of the medicinal ointment I had helped him rub the other time.
"Even with such deep bruises, you claim it's nothing," Wei Tan glanced at me.
"Qie feel it won't take much longer to heal," I replied with a hint of embarrassment.
"What a childish notion," Wei Tan said, "How can you be sure it will heal? Ignoring minor injuries, letting them accumulate, and eventually becoming chronic, it will only bring suffering upon yourself."
The way he said it sounded like a nurse, and he seemed to be prattling like he had become Bian Que himself with the medicine bottle in hand.
I gave a perfunctory response, saying, "Got it."
Wei Tan looked at me and continued to rub the medicine.
He applied a strong pressure, and I winced in pain, furrowing my brows. However, Wei Tan showed no mercy, saying that if One wanted to get better quickly, One couldn't be afraid of pain. After what felt like a moment, he finally stopped and put away the medicine bottle.
My arm felt warm, and I began to worry that the injury might have worsened.
"Let's sleep," Wei Tan said as he took off his coat and blew out the lamp.
He slipped back under the blanket, holding me close, and then he extended his feet from under the covers. His feet were a bit cold from being on the ground, so I instinctively moved away. However, Wei Tan didn't let me get away with it. He not only approached me again but also sandwiched my feet between his.
Me: "..."
"Medicine fee," Wei Tan said softly behind me, feeling justified in his actions.
*****
When I was a child, I often went on outings with my family to the outskirts of Chang'an, so I was quite familiar with the scenery there. However, during winter, the fields and villages were covered with heavy snow, and everything was a vast expanse of white, making it hard to recognize anything.
Mother once pointed to the tall and imposing Twin Pagodas in front of the city gate and asked me what they looked like.
I looked at those massive structures, thought for a moment, and said they looked like giant mushrooms.
Mother laughed and said, "In the future, if you ever get lost and can't find your way home, just look for these two giant mushrooms. When you see them, you'll know you've arrived in Chang'an…"
Many years have passed, but those words from long ago remain vivid in my memory. However, as I returned to the front of the city gate, the majestic Twin Pagodas had changed beyond recognition. Beneath the leaden clouds, there were only two half-ruined platforms left, covered with heavy snow on top, resembling lifeless trees without leaves.
I gazed at them, silently lowering the carriage curtain, no longer looking outside. The carriage continued its journey, sometimes moving and sometimes stopping. I could discern when we passed through gateways and when we reached the main streets. Occasionally, voices of passersby came from outside, the local dialect that I hadn't heard in many years.
Wei Jue's residence in Chang'an was still intact. After the carriage entered the city, it galloped all the way to the front of the mansion.
After getting off the carriage, I looked around. The streets were smooth and spacious, and the rooftops of the houses were covered with snow. Sparrows chirped as they flew from the bare branches of the trees. I recognized that this was the southern part of the city. While I wasn't very familiar with this place, I could still recognize it because I saw the rooftops of the Hu Guo Temple.
In Chang'an, there were hundreds of thousands of households, and people were divided into nine classes. Over time, they clustered together based on their social status. It was quite simple to determine someone's background - you just needed to ask where their family lived. If they answered "North of the city," they were either royalty, nobility, or high-ranking officials. "South of the city" indicated a middle or lower-class family. "East or West of the city" meant they were common people. However, if someone couldn't claim a specific location in Chang'an, it meant they were from the countryside, and their background didn't matter as much.
My family resided in the northern part of the city, and the people around me, including Pei Qian and Ruochan, also resided there. Chang'an is too vast, as I gaze towards the north, all I can see are the snow-covered rooftops, and there is nothing else visible.
"It's already close to dusk today. If Furen wishes to see it, I will accompany you tomorrow," Wei Tan said.
I turned my head, and Wei Tan had walked over without me noticing. The weather was very cold, but he still didn't like riding in the carriage. Instead, he rode the horse all the way, enjoying the breeze. His cheeks and the tip of his nose were red from the cold.
"En," I smiled and entered the residence with him.
*****
The land prices in Chang'an were exorbitant, and Wei Jue's mansion was clearly not as spacious as those in Luoyang. Wei Tan's residence was even more narrow; the courtyard was less than ten steps deep, and upon entering, one could see everything inside the house at a glance.
However, when I saw a set of leather armor in the corner, I paid particular attention to it for a while.
That was the leather armor of the Yulin Guards. When the late Emperor established the Yulin Guards for talented young individuals, he specially ordered a set of leather armor for each of them. The leather armor of the Yulin Guards was more exquisite than that of the regular Guards. The edges of the shoulder and chest plates were inlaid with gold and silver, and the copper buckles on the leather straps were designed in the shape of swirling mythical creatures. The Yulin Guards, fully armored, would dash through the palace with great spirit, often leaving a dazzling impression on people.
At that time, I was also often attracted by the beauty of those splendid armors. When entering the palace, I would sneak glances, but perhaps there were too many people, and I had no impression of Wei Tan back then.
"Is it beautiful?" Wei Tan asked when he noticed me gazing at the armor.
"It's beautiful," I said, "But since Fujun doesn't reside in Chang'an, why leave it here?"
"I can't wear it anymore," Wei Tan walked over and touched the feathers on the helmet. "Besides, it's too conspicuous. If I wear it outside, people might not recognize me as a Yulin anymore, right?"
I couldn't help but smile and looked at the leather armor. "Leaving it like this, aren't you afraid of it being damaged by insects or mold?"
"Once the armor is kept in a chest, it loses its murderous aura, but I have someone in the family taking care of it," Wei Tan replied. Then, he suddenly looked at me and asked, "Has Furen seen me wearing it before?"
I felt a bit embarrassed and replied, "Haven't seen it."
"I have seen Furen, though," Wei Tan smiled gently.
It's not surprising. In my younger days, I was quite arrogant too. With the Empress Dowager backing me, I could snatch pastries from the hands of princes and frequently enter the palace without any worries.
"Is that so?" I also smiled, modesty is necessary when it's called for, "Did Fujun know about Qie when Qie entered the palace?"
"Not then," Wei Tan replied, "Even earlier."
I looked surprised and asked, "Even earlier?"
Wei Tan didn't answer but stood in front of me, looking at me. The light from outside cast a gentle glow on him, his eyelashes slightly lowered, and a faint smile at the corners of his lips. After a moment, he hooked his finger under my chin and said, "We'll talk about it later. Let's go have our meal first." With that, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked outside.
The servants were still hanging lanterns in the corridor. When they saw us coming out, they greeted us with bows and courtesy.
I noticed their furtive glances, which made me feel a bit uneasy. However, Wei Tan's arm held me firmly, and he walked briskly, making it challenging for me to keep up with him as he led the way.
"Even earlier?" I kept thinking about his earlier words, and after a while, I finally understood. At that time, Wei Tan and Pei Qian knew each other, and he must have learned about me from Pei Qian.
******
In winter, the days grow dark early, and after we finished our meal, it was already nightfall.
Since there were only Wei Tan and me as the hosts of the residence, One didn't need to attend the in-laws. Once we returned to the house, we could prepare for rest and freshen up. After two days of travel, I was already tired, but Wei Tan was full of energy. He sat on the bed and said he wanted to have some tea. However, before the tea was even ready, he reached out his hand impatiently.
He held me in his lap and playfully nibbled my earlobe before gently kissing my lips.
After many days without such intimacy, I felt a bit unaccustomed, and before long, he had me slightly breathless from his affectionate gestures. Hearing the "gugu" sound from the tea stove, I hurriedly said, "Isn't Fujun going to have some tea…"
Wei Tan acted as if he had never heard of it, but his lips and tongue lingered even deeper. After a while, he finally released me and gently rubbed his nose against my cheek, his voice low and intoxicated, "Furen is even more fragrant than tea…" Saying that, he buried his head to nibble on my neck. I was left speechless.
Me: "....."
Just as I thought he might skip freshening up and straightly lie down on the bed, I heard the voices of the servants outside saying that there were visitors.
When Wei Tan looked up, there was a hint of annoyance on his face.
He responded with a sigh, released his hold on me, and smiled at me helplessly. He caressed my face regretfully and said, "Weifu has guests to attend to tonight. Furen, don't worry. We'll continue later."
Of course, I wouldn't just wait idly while brewing tea. After Wei Tan left, I asked the servants to put out the tea stove and went to freshen up and change my clothes.
As I finished tidying up and noticed that the night was getting darker, Wei Tan had not yet returned. I thought for a moment and decided to put on my outer clothing and head to the front hall to check the situation.
Hiding behind the curtain, I saw several people sitting in the hall, and from their conversation, I could tell they were officials stationed in Chang'an. I stood there for a while, realizing they would continue talking for some time. Just as I was about to turn away, I suddenly heard Wei Tan mention something about medicinal ointment, which made me stop in my tracks.
I only heard the person at the lower end saying, "..... Replying to Da Gongzi, Mou has sent people to search for herbalists in the villages and towns. Due to the continuous years of war and chaos, the ordinary herbs for stopping bleeding and treating wounds are now hard to find. Moreover, with the cold weather and snow, all the plants are covered under the snow, even in remote and desolate mountains, it is difficult to find any produce. If we want to find medicine, we can only wait for spring when the weather warms up, and the ice and snow melt, allowing the plants to grow. Perhaps we can gather some then."
After a moment of contemplation, Wei Tan said, "With warlords ruling various regions and even though the Emperor has unified the north, there are still concerns in the south. We do not know when the war will come, and for such urgent preparations, I ask all of you to pay close attention."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
I listened to them talk about other matters, adjusted my outer clothing, and quietly returned to the room. Wei Tan stayed in the hall for quite some time. When he returned, I was already lying down, and I could faintly hear the rustling sound of him changing clothes. After some time, the lamp went out, and there was a warm chest behind me.
"You're back..." I asked sleepily.
"En," Wei Tan's voice was gentle, whispering by my ear, "Go to sleep."
*****
Wei Tan is indeed a busy man. He goes to bed later than me but wakes up earlier than me.
The next day, I was awakened by the chirping of birds outside the window, and Wei Tan was no longer by my side. When I asked the servants after getting up, they told me that Wei Tan had left half an hour ago, saying he would return in the afternoon.
I nodded in response, looking at the sky, feeling somewhat hesitant in my heart.
Wei Tan mentioned yesterday that he would accompany me to the north of the city. To be honest, it's been many years since I last came back, and I do want to visit. However, I don't want to go with him. That place is my home, belonging to me, my parents, and my brothers. For a long time, I haven't dared to touch it, nor do I want others to touch it. Even when I felt so sad that I wanted to die, I only wanted to cry alone, where no one could see.
I can probably imagine what it looks like over there. Ruochan once told me that when she left Chang'an, the mansions of the high-ranking families in the northern part of the city had all been looted and burned, none were spared. She didn't mention how the Fu family's mansion fared, but I can guess without her saying anything.
As I rode in the carriage towards the north of the city, along the way, there were pedestrians passing by, and in several marketplaces, the scenes resembled the past. However, the beautiful high-rise buildings, the luxurious carriages and horses, and the elegant and charming young men and women that used to be seen everywhere on the streets have vanished, replaced only by the hurried commoners and beggars huddled in corners.
Passing by the front gate of the Imperial City, the gate was tightly closed, and the once solid city wall no longer had any city towers. Thick snow accumulated on top of it, but one could still see the charred black color of the magnificent vaulted roof that collapsed in the past. As the Fu family's mansion appeared amidst the ruins, my heart felt like it was tightly clenched by something.
The surrounding wall still stood tall, but the gate was no longer there. Dense artemisia grew on top of the wall, pressed down by the snow, with its dry, black, and sturdy stems poking out.
I got off the carriage and walked over the icy and snowy broken bricks, stepping into my home.
If the outer wall gave me a sense of familiarity, as I stepped into the courtyard, everything before me appeared completely unfamiliar. The main hall that Zufu personally selected wood to build, the book tower that Father was proud of, the western pavilion that Mother loved, and the water pavilion where my brothers would drink... Everything, absolutely everything, was no longer there.
Only a few sections of ruined walls remained standing in the vast expanse of white snow. The surface of these walls had lost all color, and the thick, sooty blackness indicated that something significant had occurred here.
I thought I would cry a lot, but when I saw these, not a single tear came out. Only tears, when they welled up in my eyes, carried warmth, slowly turning into icy coldness that made me feel ashamed.
I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. It's better this way, I thought. With nothing left, no one would disturb their peace again.